


The Light Behind Your Eyes

by Fafsernir



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canary Wharf Battle, Drug Addiction, Gwen Bashing but only in the beginning, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Lisa died, M/M, Post-Episode: s01e05 Small Worlds, References to Sex, Suzie didn't turn evil and is still on the Team, Torchwood Cardiff exists but Ianto doesn't work for them, Year That Never Was, junkie Ianto, references to Episode: s01e11 Combat, seriously it gets better!, strong denial, use of drugs and alcohol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-28
Updated: 2017-01-28
Packaged: 2018-08-11 15:58:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 26
Words: 50,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7898866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fafsernir/pseuds/Fafsernir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ianto had thought that fleeing London would help him, but it hadn't. He had contemplated the idea of forgetting the pain, but he didn't want to forget them. He needed help, but he didn't want any.</p><p>[It's a post-Canary Wharf Battle story, but Lisa died in this version. Torchwood London was destroyed in the same way as the canon and Ianto is one of the twenty-seven survivors, and Torchwood Cardiff exists but Ianto never hunted down the job as he had nothing to save.<br/>Trigger Warning for use of drugs and alcohol, mentions of sex (but nothing too graphic), mild language...]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. So long to all of my friends, everyone of them met tragic ends

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! I'm back with another story my weird mind thought of. I've binge-watched Shameless (US) last week so I came up with the idea of Ianto being a drug addict, but it didn't really fit in the Torchwood canon and I was going to do an entire alternate universe, but then I thought it could work if Lisa had died in the Battle and Ianto had never joined T3.
> 
> Anyway! I do not know a lot about drugs use or laws against it in Wales, so I apologize for any mistake, if anyone knows better, please do tell. Also most of my researches come up in French so it's annoying blablablah, we don't care, I just apologize in advance if it doesn't look real at all, but I'm trying, and if anyone can help, I'd be happy!
> 
> This is the first time I start posting without more than one chapter in advance so I'm unsure of how frequently I'll update this one. But I will not give it up at any point, don't worry! I hope you'll like this because I'm trying to write more fics with chapters now, it's pretty interesting to write a character development!
> 
> (Title from the song The Light Behind Your Eyes by My Chemical Romance)

A year had passed since the Battle. Nobody was mentioning it, no special tribute on the TV or the newspapers... As if nothing had happened. Not that Ianto wanted it placarded everywhere, he didn't need any reminder of that day – he was doing fine by his own – but it still hurt. It upset him, not for himself, but for those who had perished that day. Those who had suffered and died or just disappeared into nothingness. The media were silent about it because _no, of course not, aliens didn't exist, it had all been a lie, yes._

Ianto Jones knew better. He had fought in this Battle, or at least had been in the building during this Battle. And he was alone. Not the only one to have survived, but the survivors hadn't really kept in touch as they would all rather forget this day. Some had moved on with their lives, Ianto had heard at least two had committed suicide, and he had almost joined them, but before he could do it he had chosen to leave the city. London was too much. His only memories in this place were from College or Torchwood, and he didn't want any of them. A city that reminded him of all the people he had lost that horrible day, and he didn't want to live in this anymore.

Cardiff was perfect. Big enough, not far from home, but not totally home because he didn't want to go back to childhood either. It didn't really help to forget the pain, but putting some distance between him and Canary Wharf was the least he could do. And sometimes, just sometimes, he managed to forget everything. The smell of blood and burnt flesh, his colleagues and friends dying. Sometimes he even forgot Lisa. It didn't happen much, but just sometimes he would forget his girlfriend he had found after the Battle. Scattered, barely recognizable... Dead. His world had fallen apart when he had seen her, and he often still didn't believe she was dead, but he knew she was. He had almost choked on the smoke because he hadn't moved from his spot next to her, but then some firefighter had thought his life was worth it and had saved him. He wished he had died back then, because he was unable to take his own life consciously. He had tried so many times and given up as many times.

The fact that it had been a year shouldn't make any difference, but it somehow did. Knowing that after a whole year he was still alive while his entire world had stopped spinning was hard.

 

As the young man woke up that day – more like regained consciousness – his first thought was "one more day". Another day he had survived the memories. His second thought was to throw up, which he did, then to wonder where he was. Some posh hotel room, which he had no memory of. He crawled to the bed – how the hell had he ended up so far away from the mattress, he didn't know – and straightened up slowly. He managed to stand, noticing he was naked, and sighed. He found his underwear and jeans and a shirt that almost fit him even if he was pretty sure it wasn't his own. Then he realised that if the cloth wasn't his, it was someone else's, which sounded pretty obvious but was hard to guess for an hangover mind. Which meant that someone else should be in the room and indeed, upon closer inspection, someone was sleeping in the bed. He let his eyes idly wander on the lower back the sheets weren't covering anymore and smiled slightly in appreciation. When he understood it was a man lying on the bed, he frowned. That was a new one. He usually tried to avoid meaningless sex because it sometimes felt like he was still betraying Lisa somehow, when he clearly wasn't, but still. But he had never woken up beside – or on the floor or whatever – a man. A very good-looking man, yes, but a man. Not that he was closed-minded, or even straight, but he had no memory of such an encounter and he couldn't even remember if he had topped or not. Well, he didn't feel sore or anything, that was something. Not that he minded that much...

Ianto shook his head and sighed. He had other matters at hands for now. Such as where the hell he was. He buttoned his shirt – well, the man's shirt – and gathered his stuff quickly, not finding the t-shirt or shirt he had been wearing the day before – not that he remembered which one it was anyway. He tried to clean his mess a bit, because the man seemed nice – not that he could see his face, but still – and left the room quietly.

He grunted as he massaged his forehead on the lift, trying to suppress his headache. He left the hotel (Radisson Blu Hotel, apparently) as fast as he could – not very fast – and went home where he took painkillers and a hot shower that turned into a cold one – both literally and metaphorically – when only then he realised which day it was, or rather what it meant. He stopped the water when he couldn't bear to stand motionless and almost jogged out of the bathroom, still soaked. Even if he almost ended up face first on his floor, he made it to his bedroom and after putting on clean underwear and t-shirt, he opened a drawer, ignored the little stuff he had in it and almost ripped it off the desk to turn it over. The bottom slipped to the floor and Ianto took the photos that fell with it. He grabbed trousers on the way and put them on before collapsing on his sofa.

It had been a year since the Battle of Canary Wharf, and Ianto Jones was one of the 27 survivors of that day. He hadn't lost any limb, but he had lost a part of his soul and his heart.

It had been a year since Ianto's life had been turned upside down, and he was not okay with it, and probably never would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a first quite slow and short chapter to set things up. I'll say more in the next ones. I hope you liked this and don't hesitate to comment, if you think of anything or want something, as I haven't written more for now! Well if you comment only to say that you liked it, I will also be very happy, thank you! (Comments are the only way a writer knows how his work... worked!)


	2. We've been here before, they found pictures in the snow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Title from "You Are A Memory" by Message to Bears)
> 
> After some reflection, I decided to put the team in the second chapter (I didn't want them to appear before long at first) and to keep it as it was in the very first episode! Which means Suzie is part of the team and is not evil (not that i know of... Well for now she isn't but maybe she will, maybe she won't, I don't know) and Gwen is not here yet. This doesn't follow the Torchwood canon at all, I suppressed for example the entire existence of the gloves. I don't know yet if I'll keep any canon cases and refer to them or not... Anyway, still a lot of unanswered questions with this chapter I guess, but it's coming slowly I promise ;)
> 
> I don't smoke, and I certainly do not take drugs, so I hope this is all still realistic! Don't forget to leave a comment to let a writer know what you think :)

The man sighed as he walked down the last steps and almost ran into the main room, barely waiting for the door to open.

“We need someone,” he said without greeting anyone – well, he had already seen them in the morning after all.

“What do you mean?” A young Asian woman answered, frowning but not looking away from her workstation.

“I mean that we need someone in this team that can deal with basic things like... Cleaning this place up, repair the fucking lift, and deal with the Office upstairs, it doesn't even look like a tourist one. Not even a fake one. It's just a mess of papers and flyers...”

“Are you okay, Jack?” Another woman asked from her workstation, on the other side of the room. She looked older than the first that had talked and had longer hair. “You're acting odd, lately.”

“Listen, I don't want this place to end up like...”

“Like Torchwood One?” A third person interrupted, talking as he was getting rid of gloves. He kept his blouse on nevertheless.

“Exactly,” Jack replied, an index pointing at him. “Exactly like Torchwood One. In secret organisation, there's organisation, and we are not organised.”

“I don't think that's why organisation is there...” the other man grumbled, not really wanting to know where his boss was getting at. He liked their mess as it was.

“Well secret is also in it...” the Asian woman whispered and the doctor grinned and nodded in silence, Jack not having heard.

“What I meant was that we need someone new to tell us to clean up.”

“Wait, you want someone to order us around just so we clean up?”

“Yes, Owen, that's what I meant. I mean not exactly but...”

“Jack, you're the boss. How did that work so far?” Owen interrupted and Jack rolled his eyes.

“Okay, we need a new agent in the field, then. Tosh, you're brilliant, but we need you out of the field. If you coordinate everything, we can't risk you out there,” Jack smiled, trying to convince her first. He needed back-up.

“Why the sudden interest, though?”

“Suzie, you were here first. You know how having Tosh changed everything. And Owen after this. It's time for someone new. We need someone to work on our relations with UNIT and the Crown.”

“Aren't you the one doing this?”

“It works fine with the Crown but I'm meeting some resistance with UNIT. Let's not talk about the police force.”

“What, your irresistible charm doesn't work on UNIT officers? I'm shocked,” Owen exclaimed from the chair he had collapsed in. “I guess the place is big enough for someone else.”

“Thank you. And for your information, it works, even on the phone, but they still stay professional. That's so very rude,” Jack said dramatically and the team laughed with eye rolls or shakes of head.

Jack winked at Tosh who was about to talk, but didn't, and jogged to his office. He came out a few minutes later with tools.

“You need help with this?” Suzie asked as he was passing by her.

“Nah, that's really easy to repair,” he smiled.

The team rolled their eyes because he had just been complaining about how they needed someone to repair the lift but now that they had agreed, he himself did the job. But a new face could be good, maybe.

* * *

“Is Clydwyn here?” Ianto asked before he was even on his usual seat. The barman nodded while handing him a beer. The young man sipped a bit but left without having drank half of it, setting enough money on the counter to pay for it, and went out by the fire escape. He waved at the man outside and let him finish with someone, not stepping in even when the guy threatened the other with his fists. Clydwyn dealt with him and turned to Ianto when they were alone.

“Missed me already?” He smiled.

“I need a new kit,” Ianto said without greeting, stepping forward.

“What happened to the last one?”

“I... I don't know, I don't remember what happened last night.”

“Wow you should calm down...”

“Well, I'm paying, ain't I?”

Clydwyn sighed. “Okay. I wanted to see you anyway.”

“Why?” Ianto frowned, suddenly on the defensive.

“Don't worry. I suppose you don't have much left?” The young man shrugged but didn't answer aloud. “It's on the house then. You're a good man, Ianto.”

“Are you trying to make me stop?”

“Hell no, you're my biggest client lately. But I don't want you dead.”

“Well, you're the only one to care then,” Ianto replied dryly, still not trusting Clydwyn.

“Don't say this... Anyway, take it,” he said, handing him a small amount of drug.

“And you happen to have a needle on you?” the young man asked, wondering why the dealer was acting so nicely.

“Well as a matter of fact, yes I do.”

“Clean?”

“Yeah, don't worry,” the man smiled and handed everything to Ianto who finally took it with a nod.

“But isn't it going to get you into trouble?”

“Nah, I told you, you're my biggest client. And I like you. I'm not in trouble for one gram... I guess you need it, especially today.”

Ianto froze and his eyes darkened. “I don't want your pity,” he spat out and Clydwyn instantly raised two defensive hands.

“I know, it's not. Listen, just take it, and forget about... whatever. See ya.”

Ianto chose not to answer apart from a vague wave of his hand. He carefully put everything in his pocket and left the dead end to head back home quickly. He hung his jacket and left his flat again, scratching his arm on his way out.

 

He walked slowly to the Roald Dahl Plass and sat in a quiet spot, watching people walking by, not minding him, not even glancing at him. Being ignored sometimes felt good and he appreciated the peace he was given. He closed his eyes, letting his mind wander where he had tried not to go all day long, but knew he would have to face at some point. Once the hateful memories passed – crawling through lifeless bodies and puddles of blood, seeing people he had cared about dead – he managed to find the good ones. First the smile Lisa always had, then some happy moments he had spent with her, the first time they had come to Cardiff. The first holidays they had had with Torchwood, he had taken her to his family, because she insisted upon meeting them – and it had been very nice – then they had spent a few days in Cardiff, forgetting about work and aliens, until they had encountered a strange looking alien that had withdrawn to the sewer before they could do anything. It had made them laughed as it was the day before they had to go back to London and their own deal of aliens with their Torchwood.

He had rarely done that in a year, thinking happily about Lisa. It surprisingly felt good. _For now,_ he thought as he started to scratch his arm. He forced himself to stop, because he had made a promise to Lisa – to himself – not to take any this day. He had already kind of failed, as he couldn't even remember the night before, but he could still make up for it the rest of the day. He opened his eyes again, and glanced around. A kid who was eating an ice-cream was eyeing him curiously, certainly wondering if he was okay. He nodded, not really knowing why, and the child looked away.

Ianto sighed and looked at different families, wondering if it was time to pick up kids from school as there seemed to be a lot of them around, then concluded he didn't really care. He stared briefly at a couple walking slowly, hand in hand, looking too happy for him to be able to keep watching without feeling nostalgic. Or angry.

He ran his hands in his hair and took a deep breath, the surrounding sounds suddenly becoming too loud. He reaffirmed his grip on his hair and started to go on hyperventilation as the noises stopped completely. He closed his eyes as tightly as he could and tried to keep steady breaths, managing to calm himself down after a while. He didn't move as he slowly came to his senses and took a dozen of minutes before letting go of his hair, his grasps hurting him. He tried to concentrate on the water, a constant smoothing sound that allowed him not to plunge back into his panic attack and to entirely come back from it.

 

As his stomach manifested itself, he realised he didn't remember eating since the previous day, at lunch, and even if he had eaten at some point in the evening or night, it had been too long and he was starving. He finally got on his feet, ignored the strange looks some were throwing in his direction, and made his way to Jubilee Pizza. He had taken the habit of buying pizzas there in the past few months, a place he had discovered when he had moved to Cardiff. Their pizzas were pretty good, and it was not far from his place.

He searched his pockets as he was waiting outside and found a pack of cigarettes and a lighter in his left back pocket. If he had stopped smoking some time during his university years, started again when joining Torchwood to stop after only a few months, he was smoking again since the Battle, a lot, and wasn't sure he could stop one more time. He sighed as he took the last one and got rid of the pack, smiling at the delivery woman who was parking the motorbike of the company.

“Hi Ianto, how are you?”

“Fine,” he answered to Annie that he knew only because she was usually there when he ordered pizzas. She was a student and was working here as a part-time employee. She didn't know much about him but she trusted him, not that he knew why. “And you?”

“I've known better,” she sighed as she opened the box at the back of her vehicle.

“Your sister?” Ianto asked after taking a hit from his cigarette. Annie's older sister was sick and even if Annie had never said exactly from what, Ianto knew it was curable but that her sister refused to go on medication.

“Yup. And my mother yelling at me. Apparently it's my fault she refuses to take her pills. She told me to shove them down her throat and give her no choice.”

“Did she?” Ianto chuckled.

“Okay, maybe not like this. She told me to put them in her drinks or meals but I shouldn't be doing this, should I?”

“I sure wouldn't appreciate it, and you probably won't either, but if it saves her life, then maybe you should...”

“But she trusts me, I can't do this...”

“She trusts you to make the right choice... Try talking to her one more time, with all your family, it's for her own sake. Have a doctor with you if possible. Very precise medical facts could help her. If she's disgusted by what might happen, maybe she'll accept her treatment,” the man shrugged.

“Do you think that could work?”

“I have no idea, but it's worth a try, isn't it?”

“You're right... Thank you, Ianto!” she exclaimed, kissing his cheek. “I should get back to work, you're coming in?”

“Soon, I just have to buy some cigarettes, I don't have anything left.”

“You're killing yourself, you know this?”

“I promise I'll accept my pills when the time comes,” he winked at her then looked at both sides of the road before crossing it. “See you some other time!” He said as he was walking away.

Annie waved at him and entered Jubilee while Ianto made his way to a nearby shop to buy his cigarettes. He quickly came back to the pizzeria, noticed Annie was already gone, and retrieved his order. He ignored his jacket as he entered his flat and sank into the sofa, turning the TV on to make some background sound in his silent place. After a while, he looked at the pictures he hadn't put back in his drawer yet and sighed, not hungry anymore. He stood up to put the pizza in the fridge and stopped on his way back, his jacket tempting him. He shook his head, took one of the packs he had bought and lit a new cigarette. He looked through the pictures again, running a hand through his hair. Pictures of Lisa and himself, or his friends, pictures of people smiling and having fun. People who would never laugh again, even himself, he sometimes thought.


	3. There is fire in the air that I’m breathing

“What is this?” Jack asked as Tosh set a file on his desk.

“I did some research, as you asked me. This is the file you wanted. Classic, nothing particular, no outstanding deeds. Mother ill, father dead, only child...”

“Quite handsome, too,” Jack smiled as he was going through the file. He had suggested the idea two weeks before and they still hadn't found but they were waiting for someone they could trust. “Thanks, Tosh.”

“You're welcome. I think it's a great idea to take someone in the police. We met them a lot and they're never really friendly... I hope this will change.”

Jack nodded and smiled as he was reading, and Tosh left him there. Only a couple of minutes after, she yelled, “Rift activity!” and Jack jumped on his feet and grabbed his coat and precious Webley on his way out.

 

“The police is already on the way,” Tosh said as they were in the SUV. “Do I send them home?”

“No, let's see some of them in action. Maybe we'll find our next friend!”

“Does the new recruit have to be our friend?” Owen rolled his eyes, but then concentrated on the road. Suzie scoffed at the back of the car and Tosh shook her head.

“We talked about this, having a new person in the team is an advantage.”

“Yeah, yeah,” the driver muttered, but added nothing.

He eventually parked with a last-minute braking that made the team sigh, and they all get out of the car quickly, everyone doing what they knew had to be done, everyone knowing where they had to be. The team really worked great together, but Jack knew it had been a question of time before he had to hire a new face, and it felt like the right time. As they passed by two police officers, Jack smiled to himself as he eavesdropped their conversation.

“What the hell is this?” The woman said to the man.

“Special ops. Guess we came here for nothing,” he shrugged in response, as if he was used to doing this.

“I don't like this,” the woman insisted. “We're the police.”

“Well, they're Torchwood.”

“What's Torchwood?”

Jack didn't hear the answer as he was too far, but he kept an eye on the two, watching them argue over something, and the woman leave while the man stayed and contained the few curious that tried to look at what was happening.

 

As Jack and Suzie followed a track, Owen and Tosh stayed to examine the body the alien had left behind.

“You realise we're being followed?”

“I know,” Jack grinned. “THERE!” he suddenly yelled as he finally spotted the alien they were after, and started running.

It was nothing unusual, just a blowfish that had fallen through the Rift again and had killed a panicked woman unfortunate enough to be on his way. They had to shoot the alien before he could shoot Suzie, which upset Jack because the more he thought about it, the more he felt like they were following Torchwood One's path. Killing aliens, taking all of them as a threat...

He sighed as he looked away from the corpse, Suzie calling Owen and Tosh so they would bring the SUV over and take the body away. He eventually turned when he remembered the presence they could feel since the beginning.

“You like what you see?” he shouted to the night, and heard a gasp. Finally, a woman appeared and Jack didn't hide his surprise, nor his deception.

“Don't move,” she snapped, holding a stun gun with shaking hands. She clearly had never used it, or even aimed it at someone as she was way too far to even brush anyone, and Jack didn't try to look afraid, and barely managed to contain a laugh. “You just killed a man,” she said.

“Are you sure about that?” he smiled and stepped to the side so she could see the blowfish by herself. She approached, letting her guard down, and Jack rolled his eyes at this. “Who are you?” he eventually asked.

“Gwen,” she whispered, not tearing her eyes away from the corpse. “Gwen Cooper... What is this?”

“Halloween costume,” Jack joked, then sighed when the woman clearly believed him.

As the SUV parked next to them and Owen jumped out of it, the woman turned to call backups, and Jack almost growled in frustration. This was a lot of mistakes in only a couple of minutes. They were gone before she could turn away, even if she tried to run after the car, which made them all laugh, at least.

 

“Who was she?” Tosh asked.

“Gwen Cooper,” Suzie answered from beside her, and Tosh was already typing the name on her computer.

“Oh, she's Davidson's team-mate,” she exclaimed, and Jack turned to look at her.

“Who's Davidson?” Owen asked from the driver's seat.

“Potential recruit. What does it say on her?”

“She's rather new, nothing really interesting. She seems to have a normal life...”

“I saw them talk earlier. He totally fancies her.”

“Well, she has a boyfriend of her own.”

“Really?”

“Rhys Williams. They both grew up here, they seem pretty happy. Both parents alive, apparently healthy, no siblings, no criminal records...”

“Not even a little fun?” Owen sighed from the front.

“She doesn't seem like she will give up, Jack,” Suzie said, not really liking the smile on Jack's face.

He looked at her and his smile widened. “I know, exciting, isn't it?!” he laughed.

“Jack, she can't even hold a weapon,” Suzie rolled her eyes and Owen scoffed.

“Really? Don't we need someone who can shoot in the field?”

“Oh because any of you knew how to shoot before Torchwood?”

“I did,” Suzie shrugged, and Jack grunted because she wasn't helping him at all.

“Anyway, she first has to find us, good luck with that,” Jack said, closing the discussion and turning back to the road.

Owen shot a look at Suzie through the rear-view, and tried to hide a smile. Suzie managed to contain a laugh but looked away, at Tosh who was trying really hard not to grin, typing something to busy herself and not think about what Jack had said.

“Right?” Jack asked after a while because nobody had answered, and everyone agreed weakly, but it seemed to satisfy Jack. Maybe they should tell him that Torchwood wasn't that secret. He wasn't dumb, but when it came to Torchwood being secret, he was pretty oblivious.

 

In the end, P.C Cooper did come back. There was no procedure to recruit someone in Torchwood – not in Torchwood Three at least – and after two days, Jack contacted her (they had been avoiding her) and eventually hired her. Tosh was the first to agree, even if she did say Andy could bring more to the team than Gwen because he seemed more experienced. Owen simply shrugged and let the boss take the decisions, and Suzie disagreed all along, saying Gwen was under-experienced and wouldn't take the existence of aliens in a good way. But Jack had the last word, and he gave Gwen her chance. She accepted the job without even knowing what she was walking in.

 

“Maybe she can bring something new!” Tosh said as they were eating leftovers while Jack was trying to teach to Gwen how to shoot, on her third day.

“I don't like her,” Suzie shook her head.

“It's not that I don't like her but, seriously, I'd rather commit suicide than trust her with my life. She'd probably shoot me in the back while aiming for an alien,” Owen scoffed as he finished his beer. “Jack didn't even think with his brain.”

“But she has a boyfriend...”

“Don't act so innocent Tosh, Jack doesn't fucking care, he'd shag anything.”

“I'm not talking about Jack, but Gwen. We've been working for him for years and he has been flirting with every one of us, but nothing actually happened, right?” The two others nodded, so Tosh kept talking, “If she doesn't respond, he'll stop after a while, like he did with us. I don't think she'll cheat on her boyfriend.”

“With Jack? I'm having my doubts,” Owen said after some reflection.

“The point is, Jack recruited good people for now. I don't see why he suddenly would take someone incompetent. He's good to see potentials,” the Asian smiled reassuringly, and her colleagues nodded.

“I still don't like her,” Suzie shrugged after a while, and Owen almost choked on his pizza.

They talked about something else and greeted their boss and Gwen when they got back, exchanging knowing looks and smiles the two didn't understand. Jack went to his office and Gwen sat with them, trying to understand what their glances meant, but they changed the subject.

Jack sighed once in his office, hoping the tension he could feel between the new recruit and the rest of the team would soon wear off, but glad that Gwen was oblivious to it. Well, not that glad because if she couldn't tell the other didn't like her for now, he didn't really know what that meant for her interrogations skills for example. But she was a quick learner, as their gun-shooting session had proven him, and he was sure she would adapt soon enough. And one never had the same vision on things about themselves and others. He trusted her and was sure she could become a real asset for them. She just needed someone to give her a chance, very much like people had given Jack chances in his life, even when he clearly didn't deserve one.

He dismissed the team not long after, the Rift pretty calm, and set the alarm on his vortex manipulator if something were to happen. He then closed the Hub for the night and headed to a pub he had discovered not long ago and quite liked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Title from the song Battleborne by Two Steps From Hell) Not that it had anything to do with the chapter, it was just the music I was listening to when I was editing this chapter and I'm having a "I need epic songs" day so...!
> 
> Anyway! Not breaking news: I do not like Gwen, like I really don't, but I'm trying to write as much as I can with her. It's hard, but I'm slowly getting there (it's a good exercise). I'm trying not to be too harsh on her, but if she seems stupid and really clumsy in the first few chapters, it's on purpose and it'll get better, I promise, it's a way to show her evolution.  
> I needed to show she couldn't really handle a weapon in this chapter, and I know firearms aren't a common thing on police officers, but I don't really know about stun guns. It sounded possible and I hope it'll not make some of you cringe if it cannot happen in real life ;)
> 
> If you have ideas, suggestions, or want to see a particular scene that doesn't seem to fit canon but could fit this story, please do share! Or even things that would fit canon but hasn't been written in a fic you've read and that you'd like to read. Or just canon things you'd like to see, as I don't plan on including a lot of them. Anything, really, I'm open to everything if it can help me write :D I hope you liked this chapter and don't hesitate to drop off a comment, it's always highly appreciated.


	4. But wait a minute, how did we get so high?

“Mind if I sit here?”

“It's a free country,” Ianto answered, not looking away from his glass. He sighed and finished his drink, lost in his thoughts. He sometimes wondered what he was doing with his life. He didn't want anything, he had already lost almost everything, and he just spent his days smoking or drinking. As he thought about this, he took a cigarette from his pack and lit it up. On his darkest days, he did drugs, but he'd rather not think about it when he could avoid those thoughts. He had always known life wasn't easy, he just hadn't imagined it would be that hard. He really was lost. He could afford to be jobless, but he didn't know if he could live with this. He was always alone at the end of the day, and it was sometimes too much to bear. He was afraid of ending up alone, but he didn't want to let anyone in his life anymore. He had already done that, over and over. He had made friends at school, at University, at work. He had flirted with girls, some rare boys, he had made out, he had shagged around just because it had been fun and he had been young, and then he had fallen in love and for a moment he had thought he wouldn't have to start over.

He didn't even know if he was able to love anymore. Or even appreciate people in a friendly way. He liked Clydwyn, but the man was his dealer. He liked Annie but she was barely an acquaintance. Maybe Kevin, the barman, was the closest thing he had from a friend, but it didn't feel like friendship. He had no one he wanted to hang out with, just people he occasionally liked to talk with when he was in a good mood.

He sighed again. No, he really didn't have any friend. Certainly not the people he threw sometimes parties with but who were mostly alcoholics or drug addicts with whom he was only when he wanted to get pissed with other people around. And he mostly was doing it alone.

And time was both ticking by too fast and too slowly. Sometimes he felt like it had been years, when he had only moved in Cardiff since a few months. Other times it felt like days because every day seemed to repeat itself and he had trouble knowing for how long he had been there.

He was lost, and he refused to seek for help even though he needed to.

 

“Can I buy you something?” Ianto turned to the man who has asked to sit next to him, and took his time to look at him. He seemed tall, or the long coat gave the impression, he looked like he was in the wrong century, which wouldn't even surprise Ianto, he thought with a smile. He was pretty gorgeous, blue eyes that told he knew exactly what people thought when they saw him, a confident smile with maybe too many teeth, not that Ianto minded, and dark hair that first looked like the man never spent time in front of the mirror but probably was actually a lot of work.

“Yeah,” Ianto eventually said. He could use some company – especially this kind of company – instead of going home alone and have a good trip that would end up with feeling like shit and smoking half the night to pass out in the morning.

The man motioned to Kevin, who filled Ianto's glass, then commanded water for himself. The barman looked at him curiously but shrugged and gave him his order. He stared at Ianto for a while, but the young man ignored him and half turned to the stranger.

“Water?” he asked with a smile.

“I'm not complicated to satisfy,” the man answered with a grin, that he also knew to be an advantage on him.

“Good to know,” Ianto answered, sipping his beer.

“Captain Jack Harkness,” the unknown guy said and Ianto rolled his eyes. _Oh great_ , he thought. Just what he needed, someone related to Torchwood reminding him of how fucked up his life was. And he thought he had just met someone he could spend a nice night with, but no, it was fucking Torchwood coming back to haunt him even in his local pub. “And you are?”

“Busy,” Ianto dryly answered, facing the counter again.

“Come on, Ianto...”

The young man chuckled because that Harkness wasn't even trying to be discreet in his approach. He shook his head as he sipped at his drink. Maybe if he ignored him, he would leave. Or disappear, one could always dream.

“I can help you,” he said, which upset Ianto even more.

“I don't need help,” he replied, putting his second finished cigarette in the ashtray.

“Okay... do you sleep at night?”

“What?” Ianto asked, unable to ignore this personal question. What was he trying to accomplish? Appease his conscience by helping Torchwood One survivors when a year earlier he had done nothing for them?

“Can you sleep at night?” Jack insisted.

“That's none of your goddamn business,” he snapped back.

“I could help you with that.”

“I don't want to... Wait. Are you fucking trying to get into my pants?!”

“Weeell, it--”

“Go fuck yourself,” Ianto interrupted him.

“I'd rather have you for that,” Jack shrugged and Ianto felt his anger building up.

“I'm not interested,” he said, hoping it would be enough.

The Torchwood leader smiled and leaned over to whisper into Ianto's ears, “You can't sleep. You just stare at your ceiling and think until your body let go, don't you? I can help you with that.”

Ianto turned, carefully moving back so he wouldn't kiss or bump into Jack while doing so, and frowned. “That is the most insane pick-up line I've ever heard.”

“Promising, isn't it?”

“That's disgusting.”

“But you want it,” Jack winked at him and turned without further ado, his coat swirling behind him. Ianto set money on the counter, next to Jack's, and stood. He almost ran out of the pub and followed the long coat.

“Wait!” He yelled after him, and Jack turned with a smile, as if he knew already what Ianto was going to say and would like it.

“Yes?”

“You're just gonna leave like this?”

“I'm not here to force y--” Ianto shut him up by kissing him and Jack gasped but responded anyway.

The young man cursed mentally because he hadn't meant to do this, but he had been staring at his lips half of their conversation and he wanted to believe his words. He wanted to believe he could sleep well for once, because he missed normal nights. And he missed good sex and was pretty sure that Jack was a good one, if he believed in Torchwood London's gossips about him. Not that he wanted to think about Torchwood One right then.

“Eager,” Jack laughed when they parted and he noticed Ianto's hands pulling at his shirt to run his hands under. “You think you can behave until we're at my place?”

“Mmh... I shouldn't follow strangers making promises...”

“I swear my candies are very good,” Jack answered and winked at Ianto who laughed and kissed him again before taking a step back.

“Lead the way,” he said as Jack whimpered at the loss of contact, which made Ianto proud even if he didn't show it.

Ianto followed Jack to his car and hid a smile at the way the man was driving – fast, impatient – but then looked through the window, wondering what he was getting into. He didn't know what Jack wanted, and it occurred to him that maybe he wanted to kill Torchwood One's survivors, but he suppressed the idea quickly, it was stupid. He hadn't referred to Canary Wharf, which was weird, and Ianto didn't understand what was the point. Maybe he just wanted a quick shag. But then why him? Unless he loved his job so much he wanted someone who understood it, Ianto didn't see why he would choose him as his one night stand. Maybe he didn't even know he had worked for Torchwood London... But then, how would he know his name?

He stopped thinking when he felt a hand on his thigh, and turned to Jack as if he had forgotten about his presence.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, sorry,” Ianto smiled reassuringly. He got out of the car and took a deep breath. What the hell was wrong with him? Couldn't he just try to enjoy a nice evening? Maybe Jack could really help him.

When Jack asked him if he wanted to drink anything, he politely refused and glanced at the flat around him. It was very neat. Too neat. As Jack came back in the living room, he had gotten rid of his coat. A shame, Ianto liked it.

“You're not a lot in this place, are you?” he asked, because it really didn't look like anyone was living here.

“Not really. I don't sleep a lot, and when I do, I often just doze off at work. It's not as bad as it sounds, it has a bed or a sofa, that's comfortable enough to sleep,” Jack smiled. “But we're not here to talk about work, are we?” he asked, suddenly tugging Ianto's shirt to bring their bodies closer.

“Who knows, maybe I'm just here to investigate on your way of working and living... I may have to ask some questions,” Ianto said with all the serious he could gather.

“Whatever pleases you, Sir,” Jack whispered between two kisses in his neck.

“Maybe I should see if this place is in order...”

“Oh and where would you want to start?” Jack pulled Ianto's t-shirt off as he talked.

“What's behind that door?” Ianto asked, not sure he could keep a straight face for more than a few more minutes.

“Shall we see?” Jack chuckled and dragged Ianto by his belt into the bedroom – he had hoped it was it. The young man eventually forgot about what he was trying to do because Jack was too much of a distraction, and kissed him hard as he was fumbling with his belt.

* * *

 Jack hadn't lied. Ianto fell asleep from exhaustion and slept more than he had in the past year. The sex had been great too, which was even better. He wasn't sure he had felt that much pleasure in a long time, if ever. Not that he would admit it, but still.

As he woke up with the first rays of sun, he yawned and rubbed his eyes. He froze when he felt someone kissing his shoulder, but then relaxed when he remembered the day before – at least for once he remembered. Jack nibbled his ear when Ianto didn't open his eyes, and he eventually laughed because his breath was tickling his neck, and rolled on his back so the man would stop annoying him. He opened his eyes and was rewarded with the sight of a naked really handsome man, which was unusual but not too bad for the eye.

“I should have closed the curtains maybe...”

“It's okay,” Ianto said, putting a reassuring hand on his arm, then groped his biceps because it felt nice. “Did I wake you up?”

“Nope,” Jack said, then laughed. “You need help with that?” he asked, looking at Ianto's hand.

The young man blushed and stopped the groping, not having really realised what he was doing. He ran his finger down Jack's chest with an innocent smile as Jack gasped and took his hand so he would stop. “You shouldn't do this.”

“Or what?”

Jack kissed him as an answer and guided his hand further down, Ianto laughing under his lips.

 

“You mind if I smoke?” Ianto asked once they were done, and Jack shook his head, still panting. He took his trousers and found his pack and lighter in a pocket, sitting back against the wall. Jack eventually moved, and half lied on Ianto, fumbling in the night stand. “Already up for another round?” Ianto joked.

“You wish,” Jack replied, and took an ashtray out of a drawer, setting it next to Ianto who thanked him.

“You want one?” Ianto asked once the other man lied back on the bed. He shook his head then actually cuddled with Ianto who opened wide eyes, surprised. “I didn't take you for the hug-after-sex kind of guy.”

“I'm full of surprises,” Jack mumbled against his skin and Ianto laughed. It really was a weird day. “Oh, by the way,” he said after a while, straightening up. He stood then fumbled through his wardrobe, and Ianto enjoyed the view in front of him. Then Jack turned and tossed him a t-shirt at his face, laughing. “I washed it,” he answered, misinterpreting the puzzled look in Ianto's face.

Ianto looked at the shirt he knew from somewhere then remembered it was his own.

“And as much as I loved my shirt, I don't mind if you keep it,” Jack shrugged, as realisation dawned on Ianto. Jack was the man from the hotel room. Jack was the mysterious shag he couldn't remember. _Oh. Fuck._ That explained why Jack knew his name but hadn't mentioned Canary Wharf or Torchwood, not even once. So he probably had no idea of who he actually was. This was a big misunderstanding. And it made a lot more sense than Jack tracking down Canary Wharf's survivors to help them somehow.

“Please don't set my place on fire,” Jack said after a while and Ianto squeezed his unfinished cigarette on the ashtray instead of letting it fall on the bed.

He looked at Jack, not knowing what to do. “Jones,” he eventually whispered.

“What?”

“That's my name. Ianto Jones.”

“Well, nice to meet you, Ianto Jones. You didn't remember, right?” Ianto shook his head and Jack smiled. “I'm sad you forgot a night like this one, I sure didn't. But you were pretty high, I hadn't much hope. I thought you had stolen me first, but it was the only thing missing and your t-shirt was under the bed so I assumed you just took what you found.” Ianto nodded, still not really knowing what he should do or say. “Don't make this face, it was great! And I really don't mind.”

Ianto let out a breath he hadn't realised he was holding, somehow relieved by the fact that Jack didn't mind.

“I should probably go,” he still said, not feeling really at ease. Jack looked at the hour and sighed.

“Yeah, me too. Don't you want to take a shower first?”

“I'm not sure that's a good idea...”

“No, I didn't mean... Oh Ianto,” Jack laughed. “I mean, you kind of smell like sex.”

“... Oh. If you don't mind...”

Jack nodded and Ianto quickly got up, taking the clean t-shirt and his stuff with him. He came back to the bedroom to ask for a towel then quickly showered, dried as fast as possible, ignoring his damp hair, and dressed. When he went back to the bedroom, Jack had already made the bed an opened his window. He was wearing joggers, and smiled at Ianto.

“You want to eat anything?”

“No, I'm fine... Thanks,” Ianto said, wanting to get out of this place as soon as possible.

“Right. I should shower, I'll be late otherwise.”

“I'll just go then.”

Jack nodded and accompanied Ianto back at the door. When he took his keys and got out with him, Ianto frowned.

“You can't go out without the keys,” Jack explained as he started to walk down the stairs, Ianto following him, stupidly holding just a dirty t-shirt.

“That's weird.”

“They want to feel safe here. It's mostly old people, without a lot of family or friends.”

“Then what are you doing here?”

“The neighbourhood can be great! And mostly quiet.”

“I can understand that,” Ianto nodded. “But still, you're bare feet. And chest.”

“It wouldn't be the first time,” Jack winked as he opened the door. “Voilà! You're free to go.”

“Thanks,” Ianto said. He stared at the wall behind Jack for a while, wondering if he should add something, but chose not to, and left with a last forced smile. This was awkward.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Title from the song Take Me For A Ride by PV Nova & Clara Doxal [Holy Oysters cover]) Oh yes, you're going to know what I listen to with this fic, this is my main goal!
> 
> Things are getting fast here! Maybe too fast, but I hope it's okay. I've started the 8th chapter today, and I'm still trying to figure out some ideas I don't know how to include yet. I'm just warning again but this is really different from the Torchwood canon we have with the show, and I have taken the liberty to take some of the episodes ideas, but not in the same order as Torchwood did. Oh and if anyone wonders, I have no idea how many chapters I'll write, I'm just going as I write! If I ever get tired, I'll just cut the story short and write the end sooner! (And yes, I'm here saying that I promise I won't let this fic unfinished, I hate when it happens for me as a reader!)
> 
> Every comments are still highly appreciated, thank you for the comments on the previous chapters! And as always, if you have any suggestions/want to read something, I'd be glad to do my best! (Last thing: I will probably post tomorrow again, because I will not be home from the 6th to the 11th, and I don't know if I'll be able to post)
> 
> Also, a happy birthday to my kind beta who's currently without Internet, kudos on you Moranginette ;) (See, I even put PV Nova for your birthday, I hope you're happy!)


	5. Smiling on the outside and hurt beneath my skin

Ianto stirred, then grumbled because he knew he wouldn't be able to catch more sleep, even if he had only slept for three hours, then noticed he wasn't alone in his bed. He swore and shook the other person by the shoulder.

“Shit,” he mumbled under his breath. “Fuck... Erhm...” He couldn't even remember the name. Maybe he hadn't really asked... “You gotta go,” he said, loud enough so it would wake the girl up efficiently.

She eventually stood and dressed up, sending a hateful look at Ianto who wondered what had upset her. He put some pants on once she left the bedroom and followed her outside to lead the way to the door, not wanting to have her here more than necessary.

“You should talk to her,” the woman said as she was putting her jacket on.

“What?”

“Lisa. Don't fuck around because you fucked up with your girlfriend. If you want it so bad, just go talk to her,” she shrugged. “Or stop saying her name when you're with someone else.” And she left before Ianto could gather his thoughts.

He stared at the door that slowly closed by itself. He hadn't really heard her name on someone else's mouth since the quick examination he was given after the Battle, and he had still been in shock. It was like someone had punched him in the guts. Or stabbed his heart and played with the knife, except that he couldn't die. It ached, it hurt, it wasn't something he wanted to feel ever again.

“Shit,” he whispered as he put a hand against the wall to steady himself. “Shit,” he repeated as he slowly slid to the floor.

He had been fooling around for the past few weeks, taking someone home when he could, and he hadn't even thought about it. He didn't even know what he was trying to accomplish, but since Jack he felt like something had changed. He wanted to forget him because everything felt so wrong with him. Not the sex, this felt truly amazing. But this was what felt wrong. He didn't want to feel that way about casual sex. He had thought it was because he hadn't had a proper shag for a year – or not one that he could clearly remember, considering he had been high or drunk most of the times – but the last weeks had proven him wrong, not that he wanted to admit it. Jack was something else, different from the others. But he was Torchwood, it was so wrong. And he hadn't even thought of Lisa when he had been with him. It had been Ianto and Jack. And it was wrong as well. It was wrong because he wanted it. He wanted to feel that way again, he wanted to forget Lisa by shagging Jack.

When he was with others, he thought of Lisa, and he felt he was betraying her and was being disrespectful, but with Jack, he had only thought about that after leaving his flat. He felt dirty, he felt like a prick to Lisa and the other person he was spending one night with, but at least he was used to this feeling. He had only truly loved Lisa in his life but had felt deep sexual attractions for other people, and Jack was this.

And as much as Ianto wanted to feel alive, he didn't want to give in. He had never behaved badly with women, or even men, and now he had just turned into some arsehole banging who he could just to forget one good fuck he couldn't get over with. And he had always despised people doing this.

 

Ianto eventually wiped his tears, not that it was very efficient, and dragged himself to the bathroom to take a cold shower that didn't help him either. He needed to move on with his life, some day. But he didn't know how. There wasn't a manual for slaughter's survivors and how to go back to a normal life. He felt like he was blocked on the survivor status. He had survived Canary Wharf, and now he had to survive living with this. It was stupid and he would be so much better off, but that wasn't a possibility, was it?

* * *

“But why can't you go back to your local?” Gwen insisted as the Team was taking seats in the Barley Mow, a pub Owen had insisted they went to, instead of their usual one.

“Because he probably banged the barmaid,” Tosh answered with a forced smile and the man rolled his eyes.

“I didn't bang the barmaid,” he grumbled.

“I didn't know you were like this...” Gwen sighed.

“Like what? Someone who likes a good fuck but doesn't want commitment? Yeah, sorry to disappoint, the world isn't all couples and happiness, some just want a good time, and I'm here to help.”

“But who was it then?” Suzie smiled because she could guess the answer and wondered how their new colleague would react. They still hadn't seen her reacting to explicit mentions of not entirely straight sex.

“Okay, it was the barman. And his boyfriend. I didn't know he was... with someone,” Owen finally admitted with a sigh.

“A threesome? Where was I?” Jack joked.

“Certainly not with us and I'm glad you weren't!”

“Wait, you're gay?”

And there it was, Suzie thought.

“I'm not a dick sucker! Look, as long as there's a human body, and a hole to--”

“I think that's enough,” Tosh interrupted him just as Gwen was spitting the beer she had been drinking – bad idea, really. Suzie burst out laughing and Owen winked at her, not that the two other women noticed, the Asian kindly trying to help Gwen.

“Did I scare the rookie yet?” Owen exclaimed, apparently happy at the idea.

“That's not very gentleman,” Gwen simply replied.

“But am I even trying to be one?”

“He's just joking, it'll pass,” Tosh smiled.

They all looked up when there was a loud bang and a bar fight started. Gwen rose from her seat but Jack shook his head and she sat back.

“Aren't we going to...”

“Off-duty. And that's always fun!” Owen answered for Jack as he tried to have a better view of the fight.

* * *

Ianto felt miserable, and drinking wasn't helping, so he was just staring at his half-empty glass, wondering if something would happen in his life soon. Something that wasn't Jack, preferably. Just as he was thinking about heading back home and get high on his own, a bar fight started and he sighed.

“You want help with that?” he asked Kevin who was about to interrupt the quarrel. The barman nodded and Ianto emptied his glass in one gulp, jumping on his feet to grab the man trying to beat the life out of someone. “That's enough for tonight boys,” he said with a voice that made everyone shut up. Except for one person apparently.

“How about you mind your own fucking business?” the man he was holding back said.

“Look, don't cause any fuss, we're in a public place and...” Ianto stopped talking when the man hit him in the jaw. He wouldn't usually answer to violence with violence, but he hadn't really felt like himself lately, so he responded by punching the other in the chin. His head snapped to the side, hard enough for the man to black out. Ianto steadied himself because the strength put in his hit had thrown him off-balance, and he wiped his bleeding mouth with his left hand, the right painful. He looked at Kevin, who shook his head, and sent an apologetic look because he hadn't meant to knock the customer out. He then turned to the crowd that had gathered around but slowly parted because the fight was already over, and frowned when he recognized Jack at a table. The man was looking at him, although someone else was talking to him, and Ianto knew he had a part of the Torchwood team in front of him – he didn't know how many they were in the Cardiff branch – and he felt his breath catching up in his throat. What was Jack doing here? What was _Torchwood_ doing here?

Ianto looked away only when someone slapped him on the shoulder. He was almost dragged out by the person and didn't really resist, only sending a look to his back before he couldn't see Jack anymore. The Torchwood leader hadn't moved and was still looking at him, and he finally raised his glass with an impressed pout that for some reason made Ianto smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Title from the song "Wounded" by Good Charlotte)
> 
> Yoohoo!! I'm back. And with more ideas, but no real inspiration/motivation, which is problematic. I'll get over it, I just need some filler chapters... Thanks for your support, as always, I hope you like this story so far! :) Don't hesitate to leave a comment, it's still and will always be important.


	6. I love watching the crowd moving alone

When Ianto came back to the Barley Mow later, he was surprised to find Jack outside, even if he wanted him to be there. He was waiting, leaning against the wall, his hands in his pockets, and he barely flinched when Ianto stopped in front of him.

“Nice right hook,” he smiled.

“What are you doing here?”

“I was hoping to take the winner back home,” Jack shrugged, not even trying to hide his intentions or put nice words on it. He was here for a fuck, and he wanted to get to that part quickly.

Ianto seemed to consider the offer but he couldn't even fake it, and sighed. “How about the winner takes you home instead?” he said and Jack smiled widely. “It's closer from your work... I mean if you stay for the night.”

“You want me to stay?” Jack asked, surprised, and Ianto shrugged. “And how do you know where I work?”

Ianto knew the Tourist Office on the Quay was a fake one, for Torchwood, but he wasn't even supposed to know Torchwood's existence. “I don't,” he eventually said, not stopping in his walk towards his flat.

“I would probably have to kill you otherwise,” Jack laughed, and Ianto tried to but he suddenly wondered if Jack wasn't serious. His paranoia made him sigh and he shook his head with a smile, feeling stupid.

“It's half-an-hour walk from the Plass. If you work near it?

“I guess it's okay, then. Oh by the way, Kevin said you didn't need to pay for the broken glass.”

“I broke a glass?”

“Well, the other guy did, when he fell. But Kevin said you'd want to pay, and you don't have to.”

Ianto nodded to show he had heard, and took his keys from his pocket as they were outside his building. He guided Jack to his flat and left him to go to the bathroom. He discreetly went to his bedroom to hide some things he didn't want Jack to find, and got back with bandages, not comfortable enough to let Jack alone too long. He didn't want him to look through his stuff. But the man hadn't really moved, and was just staring around. Ianto purposely stood in front of a picture of Lisa so he wouldn't see it, and started to take care of his hand.

“What did you do?”

“The human skull is pretty tough, more than my hand...”

“Do you need help?”

“No, I'm fine,” Ianto shrugged, but after a third attempt, sighed, “okay maybe...”

Jack smiled and helped him wrap his right hand. “Looks like I'll have to do all the work myself.”

“I can manage with one hand,” Ianto winked at him and started undoing Jack's shirt to make his point.

“I still think you should see a doctor for this,” Jack said, pulling at his t-shirt until Ianto raised his arms so he could take the cloth away.

“Oh you're right. Let's go see a doctor right now,” Ianto smiled, and turned his back on Jack, leaving him standing in the living room.

“Wait! No! I didn't mean right now!” Jack called back, but then followed Ianto when he realised he was making fun of him again.

* * *

When Ianto woke up the next morning, he was alone. He rubbed his eyes but stayed in bed most of the day. It still smelt like sex, it still smelt like Jack, but he was too lazy to stand and ventilate the room. And he liked Jack's smell. He tried for a while to understand what it was, but except for the fact that it was almost enough to turn him on, he didn't manage to find anything. It was strange, and almost not human, or at least not from Earth. Which wasn't that impossible, Ianto knew.

The idea that Jack was an alien flashed through his mind and made him laugh. An hysterical, out of place and out of character laugh because the thought that the head of an organisation _fighting_ alien threats was an actual alien seemed ridiculously funny, and because he was tired, and because it explained his attraction. He could be from some strange species that made you feel sexually attracted to them, it wasn't Ianto's fault, he couldn't fight it. He laughed at his own stupidity, and only stopped when he couldn't breathe, tears running down his cheeks. He hadn't laughed like this in months and it felt good to let go of the pressure, to forget for a moment that he was broken, that he had nothing in his life worth laughing over...

After wiping his eyes and calming down, he rolled on his side and searched for a pack of cigarettes, feeling the tension return. He straightened up against the wall, scratching his left forearm, and let his mind wander. He knew he could fight his attraction to Jack, much like he did with drugs, but did he really want to push it back? It felt good and actually lasted more than the twenty minutes or so of trip cocaine gave him. But he didn't want to become dependent – not that he was addicted to drugs – to Jack. At least he knew the drugs couldn't let him down. If Clydwyn disappeared or refused to sell to him, he could still find someone else, or even another drug if cocaine stopped working, although he wasn't even sure it was possible.

He moved after a while, opened the windows, and went to the bathroom to take a shower, feeling like staying at home was the best solution. But then he bumped his right fist into the wall that surely shouldn't had been in his way, and he hissed at the pain that shot through his body. He had forgotten about that. He showered quickly, tried to avoid anything with his hand, and dressed to go out. No staying peacefully at home, then.

 

He mumbled as he got out of his appointment, feeling like he had just thrown money by the window. He had no broken knuckles, but would probably feel a bit of pain for a few days. That's what the doctor had said, and it was stupid. Not 'not the truth' stupid, but stupid because even a kid could have said this. Maybe he was upset for nothing, Ianto thought as he made his way to his flat again. But still, he stayed angry, and as he didn't want stay alone anymore, he went back to his local because that was what he did every day. Drink his anger out. Smoke his stress out. Drown his sorrow into drugs, and apparently sex now.

 

“Clyd' will be out of town for a while,” Kevin said as Ianto hadn't touched his drink.

“What?”

“Business in some city. He wouldn't tell me, and I didn't insist. The less I know, the better. So, how's thing with... What's his name?”

“Who?”

“Tall handsome guy looking for you? It's been like the third time he asks about you.”

“He asks about me?”

“Yeah he asked if you were here a lot, who your friends were...”

“You didn't say anything did you?”

“He gave a good tip.”

“Seriously, Kev'?”

“I just said some things, nothing that would harm you.”

Ianto shook his head and drank his beer, asking for a refill after he had finished it. “Personal stuff?”

“He wanted to know more about you. I'm telling you, keep that one, he seems kind.”

“He's just interested in one thing...” Ianto mumbled.

“Aren't we all? I mean you probably are too. Last time I checked you were at five girls in one week. And three guys. I hadn't thought you swinged both ways.”

“I don't... swing a way or not, I just... I don't know,” he sighed, and he really didn't.

“You just want to have sex, I can understand.”

“Something like this.”

“What happened to you?”

Ianto frowned. Kevin didn't ask questions, he filled glasses, talked about life, said jokes, ran the bar, but didn't ask questions. “What do you mean?”

“You've been here every day the past few months, and I've never seen you laugh, not honestly at least, and you clearly are trying to forget something. I don't even know how old you are, you looked like thirty when you first got here, but I've seen you clean, shaved and in a good mood, and you look twenty in those days. So what's your tragic story, Ianto?”

The young man stared at him for a few seconds, then shook his head, smiling sadly.

“You wouldn't believe it.”

“Oh, try me. I have very drunk costumers.”

“I'm one of them.”

“No you're not. You're drunk, but you never talk about you.”

“I've lost someone, there's nothing much to say.”

“We all lose people.”

“Not like I did. Look, I'm not trying to say you can't understand what I've been through because you didn't live it or something like this, but you really can't imagine it. And I'd rather not talk about it. Ever. You wouldn't be able to hear it anyway. And I don't think I'm allowed to tell you.”

“That sounds like serious problems... I've heard stories you wouldn't believe either, and I know they're true. I'm a barkeeper, I can make the truth out of a web of lies, I can see the difference between a drunken man trying to be interesting and a desesperate one. People talk when they don't think they got anything left to lose. I don't mean you should talk to me, or anyone, but try me with your story if you need to vent. It's never good to old back for eternity. It always backfires at some point,” Kevin shrugged, and left Ianto to serve someone else.

The young man nervously scratched his glass, as if the answer to his questions would appear if he did so long enough. Nothing appeared, and he eventually let out a deep breath. “I'm fine,” he said when Kevin was back in front of him. “Not fine, but I'll manage. And I'm twenty-four. Twenty-five, I don't know.”

“You don't remember your own age?”

“I don't remember the date.”

“We're the 29th.”

“Of what month?”

“Seriously? July.”

“That explains the kids everywhere...”

“Bloody hell Ianto, you're a mess...”

“I know. And I'm twenty-four, then.”

“When is your birthday?”

“I am so _not_ telling you.”

“Oh come on, we could celebrate it!”

“No need, I'll be out of town.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Ianto sighed, then realised Kevin didn't believe him. “To see my family. If I don't go, they'll come and I don't want them to be here.”

“I wonder why...” Ianto scoffed and shook his head. He then took a cigarette from his back pocket. “One day you're not going to be allowed to smoke in public spaces, you know?”

“I already can't in half of them...”

“The law's the law.”

“Well the law says drugs are illegal.”

“Maybe you shouldn't say that too loud.”

“Oh come on, everyone here have already taken something. You too,” Ianto smiled, and Kevin nodded.

“But seriously, Ianto. I'm here if you ever need someone.”

“Yeah. Thanks. And it's the 19th of August.”

“What?”

“My birthday. Don't do anything stupid with that in mind,” Ianto said, feeling he would regret this.

“I promise I will,” Kevin smiled and the man rolled his eyes.

He then let the barman do his job and smoked quietly, smiling slightly when someone walked in.

“I hoped you'd be here,” Jack said as he sat next to him. He shook his head before Kevin could ask him what he wanted. “Did you see someone for that hand?”

“Why are you asking Kevin things about me?”

“Hey, I didn't say anything!” the man tried to defend himself, but the two others ignored him. “Whatever...”

“You should try to Google my name, it'll be quicker,” he smiled, but then regretted because he knew what would come up if someone searched his name, and he really didn't want Jack to know about Canary Wharf.

“You don't find a lot when you do that. And that would be cheating. And I don't think it would tell me anything about you.”

“Right. But why not ask me?”

“I was bored and you weren't here, so I asked your friend.”

“He's not my... Well I guess he is, but still,” Ianto shrugged. He didn't quite like the idea of Jack trying to find informations on him. “Shall we go?” he said to change the subject, which worked as Jack was already on the way out. As Ianto put his cigarette in the ashtray, he felt Kevin's eyes on him. “Don't say it,” he warned him, and the man just smiled.

As the day before, they went back to Ianto's flat in silence and didn't really lose anytime before going to the bedroom. They hadn't agreed on anything, but maybe they both kind of hoped the other would be here. Ianto certainly did.

 

When Jack got up in the middle of the night, Ianto woke up and reacted instantly. He waited for the man to turn his back and found what he was searching for under his bed. When Jack was done fumbling through his coat, he looked at Ianto and froze.

“What the...” he started, but Ianto reaffirmed his hold on his weapon, and Jack swallowed hard.

“What were you trying to do?” Ianto snapped.

“Nothing. Listen, you...”

“What were you doing?”

“Do you even know how to you use this?”

“You want to find out?” Ianto smiled, and Jack actually looked like he was afraid of what would happen. Which reassured Ianto somehow because he hadn't showed any sign of fear and even if he was used to have guns pointed at him in Torchwood, it certainly never got easy, did it?

“You have a license for this?”

“Enough with the questions,” Ianto snapped again, starting to lose his patience which he knew showed in his way of holding the weapon. He could feel he was shaking, and he hoped Jack couldn't see it.

“I just wanted to give you something back. You forgot your pack of cigarettes the other day. Seems like you forget a lot of things. Should I take it as invitations?” the man joked, but Ianto clearly wasn't in the mood.

He finally let out his breath and decided he could trust Jack, putting his gun down. He had acted so paranoid lately that he wondered if he wasn't starting to become mad. But then he had all rights to think Jack would harm him in some way, right? Maybe not.

“I'm sorry,” he eventually said. “I just... I don't know.”

“I won't hurt you, Ianto.”

“I know. I mean I guess... It's not... I don't think it's a good idea,” the young man said, jumping on his feet and gathering his stuff. “I should go,” he nervously stuttered.

“It's your flat. I'll go.”

Jack stood and dressed quickly as Ianto looked at him, clenching his left fist.“I don't think we should do this again,” he whispered. Jack didn't give any sign he had heard him but when he left, he didn't say anything more. Ianto didn't find the courage to repeat himself and he just stood behind his now closed door, wondering what the hell had just happened. And if he wasn't in trouble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Title from the song "Garden Flat" by Mini Vague)
> 
> I don't have much to say, just that I'm currently writing the 14th chapter, that I wonder if this story isn't going too fast (well you'll just have to deal with it) and that I soon will not be writing as much as I have in the past couple of days, because, oh, what is this? University! Ugh. (bwahaha as if. I'll still write.)  
> Comments are still highly appreciated :) And I hope you're still enjoying this story!


	7. Don't you think that you need somebody?

“Someone's kidnapping our Weevils,” Jack said, his arms crossed on his chest. “We have to put a stop to that.”

“I could go undercover?”

“No you can't,” the leader shook his head at Gwen's proposition. “It's too dangerous and we don't know enough. Tosh and I noticed this a while back but it didn't seem important enough. It has gone out of proportions now. People are dying, others are barely conscious... The man we interrogated didn't want to talk.”

“And we almost were about to torture him,” Suzie shook her head. “It shouldn't be that hard. It's weird... I feel like we're missing something.”

“But they're starting to make mistakes,” Jack said, trying to lighten the pessimistic mood. “They're leaving dead bodies behind them, it has gone too far and maybe we're late, but we still can put a stop to it.”

“I think Gwen's idea wasn't that bad. But I should go.”

“Owen, we don't know what we're stepping in... It could be dangerous.”

“That was the description of the job, wasn't it?”

“We don't even know how to infiltrate you in...”

“We'll figure,” Gwen said, backing Owen's – her own, initially – plan up. “I can find something with Andy, we'll cross-reference our data. They must have done some other mistakes we missed. We just have to find a new identity to Owen, Tosh is a genius in this.” Tosh smiled to thank her.

Jack considered the idea, his arms still crossed, then turned to Suzie who was frowning. She looked up when she felt the silence that meant they were waiting for her opinion. “I don't know, Jack,” she sighed. “It could be a good idea, but we could lose Owen easily.”

“I can take care of myself.”

“Do we have any other idea?”

Before anyone could answer, Tosh, who had been on her computer already typing, straightened up suddenly. “Jack. There's someone in the office.”

“How the hell did someone get in, wasn't it locked? Who was supposed to do this?”

“The last one to enter I guess?” Suzie shrugged. “That would be Owen, probably.”

“Hey, nobody told me that rule.”

“Who is it, Tosh?” Gwen asked, more professional than the two others.

“I don't know, a man. Does someone know him?” the woman said, confused, as the CCTV footage appeared on the big screen.

“Fuck,” Jack whispered under his breath. Ianto was standing in the Office, looking calm. He walked around a bit, then got out, and Tosh followed him on the CCTV until he sat on the Plass, back on the camera.

“Who is it?”

“Someone,” Jack said, walking out of the room. He came back, just passing his head through the door. “I want the cover ready when I come back. Don't count on me unless the world is ending,” he added. “And good job!” And he was off.

The Team stared at the door for a while until Tosh coughed. “I guess we should get to work...”

“And he's going to... whatever, with a stranger? Who's this man anyway?” Owen grumbled, not moving.

“How should we know? Jack and his secrets,” Gwen rolled her eyes.

“We don't need him to work for now. We can trust him to be back if we're in trouble, which we won't because we can deal on our own.”

“And who--” Gwen started, but Owen moved to put his hand on her arm and shook his head with an exasperated look. Working with Suzie and Gwen in the same room was a nightmare Owen and Tosh were trying to control. The woman wanted to add something, but Tosh changed the subject and asked for ideas about who Owen might be for this case.

* * *

Jack walked to Ianto who didn't flinch when he arrived. They both knew what was about to happen.

“I wasn't sure you'd be here. Or that you'd come.”

“You lied to me,” Jack simply said. He hadn't asked Tosh or done research by himself on Ianto earlier because he hadn't thought he would find anything. He couldn't have been more wrong. After facing the barrel of a gun, he had typed the name Ianto Jones in the Torchwood database. No need to tell that he had felt betrayed by the young man, who could have said that he knew already who he was, what he was doing... He didn't really know what, but he could have said something, anything.

“I didn't.”

“You hid important truth, that's the same,” he snapped back. Ianto probably wasn't here for this, but it was a conversation they needed to have, as he had avoided Jack for the past two weeks or so, since their last confrontation.

“Like you care. You just wanted a fuck, and I wasn't asking questions. _You_ slept with me when _I_ was high.”

“Oh so now it's my fault? Why not say I raped you!” Jack replied even if he knew he was being unfair.

“You didn't!” Ianto stood up and started pacing. “I wanted this, I've always wanted it, every single time...”

“Then why didn't you say anything?”

Ianto stopped and looked at Jack. “Would you have stayed? Honestly? What was I supposed to say?”

“That you knew!”

“I didn't think it mattered.”

“It's my job, of course it matters! If I had known, I would never have...” Jack started but stopped, understanding too late that what he was about to answer what Ianto had just asked.

“Exactly. You wouldn't have slept with me if you had known. Do you think I say this to everyone? Do you think someone knows it in this city? Do you think I walk around yelling on the roofs that I'm one of _them_? That somehow I survived while hundreds other died? No, I don't, because it's not me. I'm not a survivor, I'm not a hero, I'm not brave, I fucking hid and I survived because I was a fucking coward. I didn't even know who you were the first time... I just... It doesn't matter anymore. I'm not here for this. I need your help.”

“Oh so now you need my help?”

“ _Now_?” Ianto repeated.

“If I recall correctly you refused my help a few times.” Again, he wasn't being fair, but he was angry that Ianto had hidden his identity. He was angry because he had thought he could trust the man, not with any Torchwood secrets, or personal ones, but he had liked their nights together, and it felt good to have something constant, even something like sex.

“... Don't. Fucking don't go there,” Ianto hissed between gritted teeth, pointing an accusing index at Jack.

“I offered to help you with your drug addiction and you refused,” he still said, ignoring the warning.

“I'm not an addict!”

“So you keep saying!”

“Maybe you should have thought about it sooner and helped those crawling out of Canary Wharf instead of coming just to retrieve alien techs!” Ianto yelled, lowering his voice only for the word 'alien', and panted. “Fuck,” he whispered and ran his hands on his face then his hair, trying to calm himself. “You know what? Forget about it. But if I ever die, it'll be on you, Jack Harkness,” he said calmly, close enough to intimidate Jack by stepping in his personal space. They stared at each other for a while and Ianto eventually turned with a scoff, walking away.

“Ianto,” Jack called back, but Ianto just raised his middle-finger to the man who rolled his eyes and eventually started to follow him. “What do you need help with?”

“Getting rid of someone,” Ianto grunted.

“Alien? Who?”

“You,” the young man snapped, and Jack stopped briefly, surprised, then caught up with him again.

“You're Torchwood, you have to tell me. I'm your direct superior now that London no longer exists.”

“Are you serious? Torchwood One's gone, and I'm not Torchwood anymore. Seriously, go fuck yourself, I'm done with this shit, I'm done with the aliens, I'm done with you.”

“Ianto, wait,” Jack sighed, but Ianto ignored him. He eventually grabbed him by the wrist and Ianto seemed to consider freeing himself, but chose not to. “I said wait,” he insisted.

“Don't fucking give me orders, I'm not your pet.”

“I know, I know. Look, I'm sorry about what happened. Back in London, and me not asking about you... But you wouldn't have asked if you were me, right? And you wouldn't have asked me if you hadn't already known who I was. You can't blame me for this. And you seemed serious about needing help, so I want to hear you out, okay? Just say what it is. I won't help if you don't want me to but I can't let you go if you're in danger.”

Ianto considered it, then sighed, giving up. Jack carefully let go of his arm, but Ianto didn't try to run away. “It's about the aliens living in the sewers, I don't know how you call them.”

“Weevils.”

“Weevils?”

“Yeah. What about them?”

“They're being kidnapped.”

“I know,” Jack nodded, as he had just had a meeting with his team about that very same subject.

“Will you let me finish?!” Ianto rolled his eyes.

“Right, sorry, go on.”

“I know who's doing this, but they're much more than I would have thought and I don't have the authority nor the weapons to survive if I try to take them down.”

“We know that already, we just don't know how to find them, they're good.”

“They're organised. I know how to find them, but do you really understand what they do with the aliens?”

“I have my guess...”

“They put you in a cage with one and the longer you survive, the funnier it gets for them. You're supposed to provoke the Weevil and see how long you can hold. Some just wants to be the best so they don't tell when to stop and can get killed easily.”

“That's... What... That's stupid,” Jack said. They had guessed it was something like this, but had had little faith in humanity. Apparently they shouldn't have. It was so inhuman that Jack sometimes wondered if they were defending themselves against the right species. Weren't humans just way more frightening than half of the aliens they met? “And how do you know this?” Ianto quirked an eyebrow and Jack frowned, afraid to understand. “No. You didn't... Ianto, did you go in there?”

“Only twice.”

“Did you fight a Weevil?” Ianto looked away and Jack took his arm again to pull at his collar with the other hand. There was nothing on the left side but he saw bandages on his right shoulder and suddenly worried. “Did you see a doctor?”

“Yes.”

“Is that why you can't take them down? Because you're injured?”

“No it's not. One guy with a gun isn't much. But if you guys could come, it would put an end to it. It's a good feeling, but lives are at stake, including the aliens' ones, and my fucking conscience can't live with it.”

“What do you mean it's a good feeling? Being in that cage? Facing death?”

“Yeah, that.”

“What, now you want to die? What is wrong with you Ianto?”

“Yes.”

“What?”

“Yes I want to die!” Ianto said, freeing himself from Jack's grip as he hadn't let him go. Jack didn't react because the sentence felt like a punch to the guts. “Isn't it obvious? Everything's wrong with me and...” Ianto took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “It's not important. How many are you?”

“That's classified,” Jack said, filing away Ianto's will to die for a later conversation.

“Fuck, Jack, how many?”

“Enough.”

“Jack.”

“Fine, we're five.”

“... I'm sorry, what?”

“I knew you would react like this. We're a small team, but we're efficient. Way more than London was.”

“I worked there, stop talking about it like this or I'm going.”

“Okay. Where's the next one?”

“I can't tell you.”

“Are you serious?”

“I will know in a couple of hours. Don't you have a phone number I can reach you to?”

“All of this to get my number, isn't it?” Jack smiled but nodded anyway. Ianto rolled his eyes but couldn't quite hide his amusement and took his phone out to give it to Jack who entered his number. “That's my personal one, use it wisely,” he said with a wink.

“It's purely professional.”

“Sure.”

“I should go now,” Ianto said, but didn't move.

“Right.”

“I'll just be at my flat, waiting...”

“Yeah.”

“Oh fuck it, you coming?”

“You bet I am,” Jack grinned and followed Ianto back at his flat. On the way, Jack texted everyone the same thing, saying he had a plan of action and that they could give up the idea of Owen going undercover. He simply told them to wait for his signal, but be ready to move. He then turned his phone off and walked in silence to Ianto's place. He still blamed the man for lying to him, but he had known for a while that even if Ianto was an evil son of a bitch, he'd never refuse to be in his bed, because it felt amazing. And they needed to busy themselves while waiting. It wasn't as if Ianto could be a danger for him, he couldn't even die, and Ianto probably would have killed him a long time ago if that was what he wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Title from the song "November Rain" by Guns N' Roses)
> 
> I'm supposed to read Robinson Crusoe or The Tempest, but I thought it was a much better idea to update instead... ;) No? Oops.
> 
> Anyway! About the previous chapters, and particularly the man dragging Ianto out of the pub, I wanted to say somewhere that it was how he got in contact for the Weevil fight clubs, or whatever it was, but I kept a Jack's POV on the thing and it didn't fit anywhere so I didn't mention it, but just know that the man who dragged him out told him about the combats, much like what happened with Owen in the episode about this. I didn't lose a lot of time with what is related to the episode because, well, first I was lazy and didn't want to re-watch the episode to think about what to keep and what to throw away, and it didn't seem interesting to repeat the episode but with a few changes, as it wouldn't have bring much to the story.  
> I put only some references to some episodes, and they are not taking place in the same order. This is basically an AU, don't forget it :) I'm trying to write a bit about the team together, but it's way harder than to write about Jack and Ianto, so I apologize, I'm doing my best! ;)
> 
> Mmh... That's all, I think. If you have any questions, suggestions, blablah, don't hesitate to ask. And comments are always welcomed! Thank you for reading.


	8. We might fall

“But when he said 'you better be ready when I call' did he imply he'd call today?” Owen sighed as he sank into the sofa. “Because I'm not rotting my ass here while he... What is he even doing?”

“He said he had an idea, he's probably working on the details,” Gwen said.

“Yeah he's working on something, that's sure. More like someone, walking on two legs, with a black t-shirt and dark jeans... Well nope, they must have taken the clothes away by now,” the doctor mumbled. It wasn't that he didn't like his job, or his boss, or the fact that his boss was shagging as much as he was. But he didn't like sitting around in the Hub while Jack was clearly getting laid and had ordered them to stay in. It was awful enough to be stuck in the Hub without anything to do.

“Did you get anything on the man?” Suzie asked at Tosh's workstation, ignoring Owen and Gwen complaining.

“Not really. I don't know who he is, but he's good.”

“Better than you?” Suzie smiled and patted her back.

“Of course not,” she scoffed, and tried harder, if possible. “Ah! There. He didn't exactly know where the camera was in the Office, we have one clear footage,” she exclaimed, and the whole team gathered around her.

“Are we supposed to recognize him or something?” Owen asked after a while, because nobody had said anything and silences weren't Owen's speciality – and they looked pretty stupid, all staring at a screen.

“Someone does?” Suzie asked, but everyone shook their head. “Well, just...”

“Run a facial recognition. On it,” Tosh answered, and pressed a button. A result appeared within a few seconds. “Wow that was quick. Oh... shit,” she frowned, and everyone read the screen at the same time.

“I wasn't expecting that,” Owen breathed out, once he was finished.

“What is Jack not telling us?” Suzie whispered.

“Okay, someone cares to explain here?” Gwen sighed, because she had read the screen but hadn't understood half of the words.

“He's Torchwood.”

“Yeah, I read that. There are other Torchwood?”

“I know someone who didn't do her homework...” Owen smiled, and went back to the sofa. “Still, Jack could have warned us. Are we helping them now?”

“There are multiple branches. This... Ianto,” Suzie explained, looking back at the screen to check the name, “was working for the one in London. Do you remember London, about a year ago? Something happened in Canary Wharf, aliens in the sky and the streets, all of this.”

“Yeah, Rhys said it was a conspiracy and wasn't real.”

“Well you know it was real now. Torchwood One – London – was destroyed that day. This is one of its survivor.”

“Were you close?”

Owen laughed as Suzie shook her head.

“We can't exactly say this, no,” Tosh answered. “We didn't have the same approach. That, and they tried to take over our branch. And to send spies. Three times. We were playing with them, mostly. But that day... I stayed at the Hub with Suzie, only Owen went with Jack.”

“Went where?”

“To retrieve alien tech.”

“Did you help the survivors?”

Gwen turned to Owen who shuddered, clearly trying to forget the memories by shaking his head, which wasn't working. He had gone blank, and the newest recruit had never seen him like this, as livid as the corpses he dissected.

“No, nobody did,” Tosh sighed, and there was regret in her voice. “We couldn't really do anything...”

“What does 'converted' mean then?” Gwen asked, because it was written on Ianto's file, but she had no idea what it meant. Owen got up at that word and left the main room, going to the conference room so he wouldn't have to hear this, and Suzie followed after a quick glance at Tosh who nodded. “Is he okay?”

“Not really. He's a doctor and even if he's seen his deal of dead bodies, slaughters aren't his thing. He was pretty shaken for a while when they got back,” the computer genius said, her mind wandering in not very happy memories. “But don't tell him I said this!” she added with a small smile. Gwen nodded, and put a hand on hers, raising her eyebrows in a silent question. “Right. Converted. Those,” Tosh explained as she opened a file and clicked on a photo of a metal man, “are called the Cybermen. There were two species that day, at Canary Wharf, and they chose to battle on Earth. How kind of them, isn't it? The Cybermen basically need humans to build an army.”

“How come?”

“Someone 'converted' is someone who has been taken by the Cybermen to be turned into another Cyberman. They're us, but like... upgraded, they have no emotions left, they're nothing like humans, just a threat to the Earth. Apparently Ianto knew someone who got converted.”

“That's awful,” Gwen whispered, shocked. “It says it was his girlfriend...”

“I know...”

“At least he survived, that's a good thing.” Tosh didn't answer, and tried to avoid the next question, knowing Gwen wouldn't take it in a good way. “Isn't it?”

“Not really. Sometimes surviving something like this isn't the best thing... You remember the 'sex alien' we met a while back?”

“Yes?”

“It had fled away. It was trying to survive. Survivors don't usually end up good. Either they go mad, or end their life, or turn evil. Some don't, of course, we hear beautiful stories about that, but it's the real world. Survivors are broken, shattered, especially in Torchwood. They can't talk about it, because it didn't happen, for the government. They're not supposed to mention aliens and everything. Survivors can be pretty dangerous.”

“So this Ianto...”

“He's pretty young, maybe he'll make it,” Tosh said hopefully, glad the conversation was going away from what she didn't want to answer.

“Or he'll turn even crazier? And what about the others?” Tosh sighed. Maybe she just couldn't avoid it. “There are other survivors, right? I mean, how many people worked there?”

“A lot. There were twenty-seven survivors. Some probably died since last year... We don't keep track.”

“Twenty-sev... Tosh, how many?”

“I don't know, a thousand maybe.”

“How is that even possible?! What happened back there? Why weren't you there?”

Tosh rubbed her nose and took her glasses off. She didn't want to be Gwen's questioning bag – it was how Owen had called her once – this time, especially not about something like this. It had been hard for all of them, to know that something as big as Torchwood One had fallen, from very high.

“We were in Cardiff. Dealing with our own daily shit,” Suzie answered as she was walking down the stairs. “We are nothing like Torchwood London, and we can't deal with every survivors on this planet. We didn't help them for the same reason we never helped with famine or children dying in the world. Because we can't. We're five, four last year, and we're sitting on a very unstable Rift we can't either predict or close. We sometimes have trouble only managing the Rift on our own...”

“You could have checked on them!”

“We can't babysit survivors and check on them every day.”

“I don't know, help them, somehow! With money, for example.”

“As much as we may sound like it, we're not rich. We depend on the Queen, we're not here to rob her Majesty. And they are already receiving compensations.”

“You could have hired them!”

“We can't hire every broken soul we meet,” Suzie sighed.

“They're Torchwood! Is that what happen? We just... get thrown out like this?”

“I'm not Jack, Gwen! Torchwood One was different from us, much like UNIT is, even worse. You know what UNIT is, or do you need Teacher Tosh to help you with this?! If you want to complain, go annoy Jack, and do it when we're not around to hear it,” Suzie exclaimed, not wanting to deal with Gwen's shit for once.

She still didn't truly appreciate the woman, unlike her two colleagues who showed way more sympathy towards her, and she always grew rapidly sick of her tantrums and hundreds of questions they just couldn't answer to, sometimes. They didn't know everything and they had all learned on the field, by experimenting. Suzie had seen quiet Tosh learning all by herself, still too traumatized by her time in UNIT prisons to ask too many questions, she had just been glad to be alive at that time, and with a job. She had seen broken Owen sober and drunk and he had never asked a lot of questions. When he had turned into some heart-breaker twat, that hadn't much changed. But Gwen hadn't been broken, or in need of a job, or held prisoner somewhere... She had been living a peaceful life, and she couldn't _just_ accept things, sometimes. If Tosh answered most of her questions as precisely as possible, glad to help, and Owen was jokingly making fun of her, Suzie just ignored her. She would have, usually, but she had also been shaken by what they had seen from the Battle, even by staying at the Hub, and Gwen with her questions had been the last straw.

“Jack will be here in ten minutes,” she eventually breathed out, turning to Tosh. “It was a year ago, Gwen. If you can't deal with it, go retcon yourself,” she snapped at Gwen who didn't answer but looked hurt.

Tosh smiled to Gwen and shook her head. “We tried, we really did, but we couldn't do much. And most of the survivors probably don't want to hear about Torchwood, ever again. We can sometimes save Cardiff, or more, but we can't save the whole world, and everyone along with it. That's why it's hard to be in Torchwood, that's why Jack only chooses the best. This job is fucked up, but don't let it fuck you up, okay?” she said calmly, and Gwen nodded, but was still looking at Suzie.

Tosh inwardly rolled her eyes because those two would never get along if they kept behaving like this.

“Are we telling him?” Owen said, joining them all again.

“No,” Suzie sighed. “It's none of our business. As long as he's harmless... And Jack probably knows who he is. If it's important, he'll tell us by himself. And Owen, don't joke with it.”

“Yeah, no thanks. I'm not mentioning Torchwood One. Ever.”

“Gwen? Don't question Jack about it. Seriously, don't.”

“Why? You won't even explain to me why--”

“Gwen,” Tosh said dryly, which surprised everyone. “Don't mention London to Jack, please.”

“I'll see...”

“You won't 'see',” Suzie snapped. “For fuck's sake, Gwen, that's an order. I'm second in command, I decide what happens when Jack isn't here. Don't ask questions to Jack, at least not until he mentions the man by himself. If you do it, I swear some retcon will end up in your drink at some point and we'll drop your arse in the middle of France so you won't be a pain in the arse anymore!”

“Okay that's enough,” Owen said and took Suzie by the arm as Tosh stepped between the two so Gwen wouldn't be tempted to slap her. “You two need to cheer up a bit. Let's just... forget about this, okay? We won't retcon you, Gwen. But seriously though, try not to ask Jack questions for once.”

She nodded, but probably killed Suzie in her mind at the same time. They could get pretty scary, Owen thought, and even if a girl fight would usually turn him on, he knew that if those two fought, it'd end up in blood, and they both knew how to fight. But he didn't want Gwen to find out Suzie knew some really good moves, not like this. They should probably find a way to bring the women closer before it was already too late.

 

Before a lot more could happen, Jack was in the Hub, and frowned at the visible tension.

“I go out for a few minutes and it's World War Three here?”

“More like a few hours, Jack,” Suzie informed him, and Jack shrugged.

“Where were you?” Gwen asked, and the second in command scoffed. It started, again.

“Trying to come up with a plan of action.”

“With that man?”

“Yes. Is that a problem for anyone?” Jack asked, daring one to challenge him.

“Who is he?”

“Someone I know. Can't I have my own contacts?”

“No, not if it's Torchwood,” Gwen said, and Jack's eyebrows shot up. So one wanted to challenge him. Tosh gasped and Owen swore under his breath.

“What do you mean?”

“If it helps for a case, we deserve to know,” Gwen replied, and Tosh sighed, relieved. For a moment she had thought she would mention Ianto being Torchwood One.

“No you don't. I have a plan, you follow it. Do you need to know how I get names and addresses for a case? No. Do you deserve to know? Not really. If you have reliable sources that you trust but don't want to tell me which ones, I won't feel like I deserve to know. Are we good?” Jack said.

“I guess,” Gwen sighed, seeing this would get her nowhere, especially not with the whole team watching. She could always ask later.

 

They followed Jack in the conference room so he would explain that he knew where they would strike next, and when – a thirty minutes drive in approximately one hour, thanks for the warning. He said what he was aware of – the ring, the fights, the bets – and quickly described how he wanted them to proceed. They listened, all very professionally, because they still knew how to work and be efficient, and quickly moved once he was done with the boring part – again, Owen's words.

The mission was nothing they had never done, even if it wasn't their usual types of missions. It didn't involve that many human beings, only once in a while. They still worked fast and managed to contain the crowd. They took care of the few injured and distributed retcons so nobody would start the same thing again.

Jack had expected Ianto to be there, because the man had said he would, but he couldn't find him. Which maybe was a good thing, because he didn't want to have to explain who he was to the team, but he still needed to talk with him about a few things.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Title from the song We Might Fall by Ryan Star)
> 
> Hi there! I don't have much to say for this one, just that not a lot happens, and I do realise that this fic may not be very Gwen-friendly but I'm sorry that's just the way I see her and I can't fight it that much. I'm trying not to be too harsh on her ;)  
> Comments are still highly appreciated, please let a writer know what you think of their work(s), even just a few words.


	9. Would you find me somewhere in the shadow? Would you stay and wait for tomorrow?

When Ianto stepped into his flat three days later, his first thought was to go to his local. He was tired, he was even more miserable than usually, and he needed to forget the past few days that he had just spent with his mother. He had also seen his sister and the kids, which he hadn't really seen since... well, Christmas. He really just avoided his family the more he could, not that he didn't love them, but especially _because_ he loved them. He didn't want them to see him like this – broken – and as much as he refused to call himself an addict, he knew he had trouble to stay clean for a while. And he clearly didn't want his sister, let's not talk about his mother, to know that he was taking any drug. He had managed to hide the fact he was smoking to his mother, even if he knew she had guessed because she wasn't dumb and had lived with her father a long time, witnessing every time he had said he had quitted smoking, but hadn't. Until he had died from lung cancer, and that was why Ianto didn't want to talk about it with her. He hadn't been able to hide it from Rhiannon, his sister, as she had come just when he had fled the house to smoke outside. She hadn't been much surprised and had even stayed with him every time he would go out to smoke, but she clearly didn't approve.

He was relieved she hadn't said anything, much like he was glad nobody had mentioned Lisa or Alexander or James or any name related to Torchwood One his family knew of or even Canary Wharf. They had done the mistake at Christmas – not really their fault, Mica had innocently asked the question that shouldn't have been asked – and Ianto had been afraid to face another awkward silence on the exact same subject. They were good at pretending things were okay, in the Jones family, it had felt oddly natural that nobody mentioned anything, not even the kids.

 

Ianto sighed, pushing his thoughts away, and stopped before crossing the street, looking at the Barley Mow, or rather the person standing in front of it. Jack, which shouldn't have surprised him but somehow did. The man still hadn't spotted him so he took a while to stare at him. He looked tired, his shoulders were tensed, and he was clearly waiting for something. For someone, for Ianto. Which brought the question of why him, again.

Against all odds, the leader of Torchwood Three hadn't pushed him away. They hadn't talked since he had left Ianto's flat to apprehend the humans doing wrong to the Weevils, but they hadn't left in bad terms. Probably because Ianto had said they'd see each other at the warehouse but then had gone to his mother's house. But being away from Cardiff, from Torchwood, from Jack, and from drugs had allowed him to notice that he did miss him. Well, he missed being with him, he missed sex with him, and he didn't want to let this go. But he still refused to hold onto it. But casual sex couldn't do any harm to anyone, right? They were just two consenting adults trying to seek comfort in each other... and it worked. At least it felt like it worked.

When Ianto crossed the street, Jack finally noticed him and his face softened. He smiled more genuinely and he visibly relaxed. He waved at Ianto, who ran so he wouldn't end up crushed by some impatient driver and smiled despite himself.

“It's starting to be your local too,” Ianto said when he arrived in front of him.

“I like the landscape...”

“Looking for me?”

“Certainly looking _at_ you.” Ianto rolled his eyes and Jack grinned. “You were gone.”

“Yeah, I had to be out of town.”

“I know.”

“You know? What do you mean?”

Jack winked at him then sighed when Ianto seemed too serious. “I asked Kevin, he shrugged the answer as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.”

“Bloody him...”

“Can you repeat that?”

“Bl... why?”

“Welsh accent. That's... nice. Especially with some words.”

“Oh. Okay. Doesn't answer what you're doing here,” Ianto shrugged, trying not to take the compliment.

“Well, I was looking for you. I thought we could use a talk. Oh and they're waiting to throw a surprise party inside so I wanted to talk to you before.”

“I know,” Ianto sighed.

“Ugh?”

“For the party. It was supposed to be a surprise, I already knew, but it's not nice to warn someone, in case they don't know already.”

“Ianto.” Jack raised his hand to stop him. “Okay, I get it. But can we talk?”

“They're waiting for me,” Ianto shrugged and walked towards the door but Jack grabbed his wrist before he could open it.

“I was waiting too. I--”

“Do you want more?” Ianto cut him off. No need to speak for hours or avoid the subject.

“More?” Jack repeated, confused.

“Than sex.”

“... Is this a trick question?”

“Just be honest.”

“No, I don't.”

“So you're just looking for casual sex. With me?”

“... I guess?”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Me too. Great talk!”

“Ianto...” Jack started, still holding his wrist, and the young man let him when he could have easily freed himself.

“I know. I don't want to talk about it. Not with you.” Ianto stopped talking, but then saw the hurt in Jack's eyes and added, “Not with anyone. If you don't want it, just stop coming. I won't go near Torchwood again, don't worry.”

“I don't mind you being here,” Jack whispered. Ianto shook his head with a weak smile.

“I do. And I don't want to be the main subject of Torchwood Three's gossips.”

Jack nodded, understanding Ianto's desire to stay away from Torchwood. Ianto eventually sighed when none of them added anything. “Can I have my arm back?” he eventually said, and Jack smiled.

“Can I kiss you?”

Jack tilted his head, but Ianto took a step back before he could come any closer. “I live here.”

“So?”

“People.”

“Yeah, so?”

“We're not together, Jack.”

“Again, so?”

“We're fuck... not even buddies, we're just fucking, I'm not going to kiss you in the street.”

“You already did,” Jack shrugged.

“Well, I won't kiss you _again_ in the street then,” Ianto sighed and stepped away, not meeting any resistance when he freed himself.

“When will I see you?”

“I still have your number,” Ianto winked at him and stepped a little more away. “And your shirt,” he added and walked in the pub.

 

Pretending was easy. Smiling was even easier. He faked surprise, glad to see that Kevin seemed genuinely happy about having surprised him, and smiled throughout the evening. After spending three days with his family, he realised that he felt good with this. His local, maybe his only friend – Kevin definitely was a friend – and some regulars he knew enough to spend a good moment with. It was his life now, and even if it wasn't much and didn't mean anything, it felt normal to go back to it. Which wasn't a good thing, he knew, but it was something, at least. He knew what to expect from this, and he didn't want more, for now. Especially not with the idea of Jack available for a fuck once in a while. He wasn't happy, but he was as close as he could get from being okay with his life.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Stay and Play - Rock Macabre)
> 
> Yooo! (what time is it? Showtime! Oh no. I had managed not to put too many Hamilton references so far... Oops.) I have some good and bad news. Bad news being that I'm not that inspired for what's coming (I mean, where I am) and do not have a lot of ideas before moving onto a new thing. I haven't finished one chapter and already started the one after because I didn't manage to write the end, so basically I decided to post to find some motivation ;) Comments are appreciated for this ;) (if you wonder, I'm at chapter 18, I haven't written at all in the past week)  
> The good news on the other hand is that I got bored of not having dictionaries with OpenOffice (actually for writing it's not the worse, but for taking courses, ugh.) so I did everything I could and managed to have them back. Hooray! (You probably don't care, but that's way less work for me.) Also, I'll probably do the Torchwood Fest so I have to think about this, which may slow down this fic, but you probably won't even notice. Though, if some of you are interested, check Tumblr for this ;)


	10. I'd shoot the sunshine into my veins

Sometimes, Ianto liked what he had. Sometimes, he hated it. He hated the desire he felt when Jack kissed him, he hated the warmth spreading in his chest when Jack whimpered his name, he hated his dependence to sex with Jack, he hated the moment of bliss when he smoked after sex with Jack, he hated how easy it was to sleep when Jack was around, he hated everything about himself when Jack was involved. Especially the fact that he deeply loved it.

It was good, it was great, but when alone, Ianto felt like the worst human being. He knew he wasn't supposed to feel like this, that he was stuck on the past... Yes, he was, because he couldn't see any future, and the past seemed like the only thing that mattered now. The only thing that was real, that had at least once been real. His job, his colleagues, his friends, Lisa. It felt like a betrayal, to feel good with Jack, to need his presence, and sometimes it was too much to bear. Sometimes it was too much, and he drank. Other times he took a big dose of cocaine in the hope that maybe he'd never come out of his trip, that maybe he'd die. He always woke up feeling even worse, only to drink or smoke or inject some drug as soon as he was on his feet – even before sometimes. It happened more and more, especially after a month or so of seeing Jack as much as possible.

This time, he had taken a small amount. But he was also drinking. Thus smoking, because he rarely ever drank without smoking at the same time or right after. Which probably wasn't great for a depressed mind, especially not a depressed mind supposed to keep his whole life secret. Every single thing happening to him, or that had happened, as not a lot happened since the Battle, he couldn't tell.

“They think they're so discreet,” he chuckled dryly. Of course, he wasn't supposed to talk about it, so he did. Especially because he had argued with Jack about Torchwood One and Three earlier. “Like half of Cardiff doesn't know they're here... But we know, don't we?”

“What are you even talking about?” The trouble was that he was talking in a crowded pub.

“Torchwood,” he almost spat the name. “You know the non-secret secret organisation...”

“Oh, that. You know we're not supposed to _talk_ about it. We all know it's here but we all know they'll take it badly if they were to understand everyone knows about them.”

“I hate them.”

“You do?” Kevin asked, trying to keep the conversation with Ianto because he had never seen him like this and he was pretty sure he shouldn't be left alone or talking to anyone.

“They think they're better than us,” Ianto scoffed, finishing his drink and asking for a refill that Kevin gave after a moment of hesitation. “We were in a fucking skyscraper in the face of everyone and nobody fucking noticed us. They're not even trying in Cardiff. 'Oh who are those people getting out of a strange black SUV?' learn to fucking read, Torchwood is written everywhere...”

“What do you mean by 'us'?” the barman asked curiously.

“Shhht... I can't tell you,” Ianto chuckled. “It's seeeecret...”

“Can I borrow your phone for a moment, Ianto?”

The young man nodded and handed him his phone. Kevin went through the few contacts quickly.

“What are you trying to do?”

“Someone needs to pick you up, you're going to get yourself killed,” Kevin sighed. “Listen, who can I call? 'Rhi'?”

“Oooh! Naah, not Rhiii'...” Ianto said, looking outraged.

“Okay... I'm sorry, Ianto.”

“Why?”

“I'm calling Jack,” Kevin shrugged as he put the phone against his ear. While he talked, Ianto made signs with his hands, then tried to climb over the counter to take his phone back. He eventually managed to snap it from his friend's grip.

“Heyyyyy...”

“Ianto?” Jack's voice said in the phone, and Ianto actually growled. “I'm coming, don't move.”

“I like it when you come...” Ianto said in a low voice, and he was almost sure Kevin face palmed in front of him, but he was too concentrated on his glass and the ongoing conversation.

“I've figured,” Jack laughed, and Ianto groaned. “What was that?”

“I want you,” Ianto whispered, suddenly needy.

“I won't be long. Do you want to keep talking?”

“Hell no, I just want to see you. Feel you. I want to feel your body clenching around mine.”

“I'll be here in a minute,” Jack said, breathless. Ianto didn't know if he was running or if it was because of what he was saying, but he decided it was the latter. “I have to hang up but wait for me please,” Jack added in a breath and hung up.

Ianto swore at his phone and put it in his pocket, frustrated. He straightened up in his seat, wishing for Jack to be here as quickly as possible, but at the same time hating the man for hanging up on him.

“Sorry,” Kevin sighed as he saw that Ianto was swinging between an okay and bad/angry mood.

“Doesn't matter,” Ianto shrugged and lit up another cigarette. Kevin didn't refill his drink this time, and before he could protest, Jack was here. “My knight in armour! The discreet branch! At least he's good in bed. Hey, Kev'! Wanna know what they did for people like me? You want to know what Torchwood do for other people, broken, helpless, jobless people? They pay them. That's right, they give them money. A lot of money. For service given to the country, and compensation for everything we've lost. Friendships and love and memories... They want you to forget so they pay you astronomically. I'm fucking paid to shut up...”

“Okay that's enough,” Jack cut in, grabbing Ianto's arm in one hand and taking the cigarette away from his mouth with the other. It worked as Ianto protested and tried to follow the cigarette. “Thank you Kevin, you're a good man,” Jack said and forced Ianto out of the pub. He gave him his cigarette back but dragged him quickly to his flat, taking the keys from the man's pockets, not that he minded as he made an innuendo as Jack was fumbling through his pockets.

 

“What was this about?”

“Nothing,” Ianto grumbled as he opened his wardrobe and took something from a place Jack couldn't see from the door he was leaning on. “Here for sex?”

“I'm here because you're not feeling well.”

“What if sex doesn't make me feel better?” Ianto asked, taking place on the bed, cross-legged. He put his equipment in front of him as Jack frowned.

“What are you...”

“Isn't it fucking obvious?” Ianto retorted. Before he could go very far, Jack was in front of him and took the needle away from his hand.

“You're not taking drugs in front me!”

“Oh, like you care... Gimme that back, it's not yours,” Ianto said, stretching his hand out, but Jack didn't give in.

“I won't watch you hurt yourself.”

“And yet you keep coming here. Jack, give that back,” he insisted, and stood up because Jack stepped away, holding the equipment behind his back.

“It's not the same thing, you're not hurting yourself. I can do with cigarettes, but I refuse to watch you drown into drugs.”

“Fuck you, Jack. I need this more than you do.”

“I don't want to steal it from you. And really, you need it? So you're an addict,” Jack raised his eyebrows, and Ianto groaned.

“It makes me feel better. And yes, it hurts when I'm with you, so fucking give me everything back.”

“What do you mean? Am I too rough?”

“No you're not. Well, you can be, but I can be way worse and you're not complaining...”

“What's hurting you then?” Jack asked, now worried. He didn't want to hurt in any way someone he was sleeping with.

“Fuck you,” Ianto repeated.

“Ianto.”

“The idea that I'm fucking the leader of something I want to forget about!” Ianto said between gritted teeth, his fists clenched in anger. Jack looked at him sharply.

“We're not Torchwood One.”

“So you keep saying. Still Torchwood.”

“I'm not here because I'm Torchwood.”

“Then why the fuck are you here?!” Ianto asked, throwing his hands in the air. He was tired, so tired... When Jack didn't come up with a response, Ianto sighed and slumped into his bed, taking his head between his hands. “Why do you keep coming...?” he whispered.

Jack looked at him and finally moved, putting the equipment on the night table. He then knelt in front of him and put a hand on his knee. “Because it's nice,” he simply answered, and Ianto scoffed. “I mean it, this place, you... It's nice. And maybe I'm trying to help you even if you refuse to see you need help...”

“I know I do. But I don't want help. Don't you think that people are just beyond repairing, sometimes?” Jack sighed and tightened his grip on Ianto's knee. “Be honest...”

“Honestly? I don't know,” Jack shrugged. He finally sat on the bed next to Ianto and put his hand on his thigh instead of his knee. “I think it depends on people.”

“So some can't be helped?”

“Everyone can get help.”

“You got my point.”

“Some stay broken all their life and never get over something? Yes. You have to want it, Ianto. Believe me when I say I know what you're going through.”

“Do you?” Ianto scoffed, staring at his hands.

“I can imagine. I've lost people, too. I've seen my deal of dead bodies... Dead friends, dead lovers. I know what it feels like to be left alone in the middle of corpses. I know the smell of blood and other things. But I knew what I was signing for. I knew I'd meet death sooner rather than later, either by seeing it, or living it. You didn't, did you?”

Ianto stared at him for a while then shook his head. “No,” he said sadly. “I really didn't. It was... I was not supposed to be in the middle of anything. Certainly not this...”

“I'm sorry you had to go through this. But life doesn't stop here, Ianto.”

“How?”

“What?”

“How do you deal with this? With the memories, with the names. How do you deal with all the names? How do you not forget them? How do you stop feeling guilty for surviving?”

“Everyone deserves to live, Ianto, including you. An old friend would say everyone is important in the Universe.”

“Even paedophiles?”

“Ugh... Well...” Jack stuttered, trying to come up with some answer, but Ianto chuckled.

“So, not everyone.”

“Okay, but you aren't a paedophile. Are you?”

“No I'm not,” he smiled, and Jack laughed.

He then kissed him on the temple and Ianto relaxed against him. They were silent for a while, and Ianto almost drifted off to sleep, but he could feel Jack tensing and could almost hear him think. He didn't say anything and stayed with his head against his shoulder, even when his back started to protest and ache. Eventually, Jack took a deep breath.

“Do you really want to die?”

Ianto closed his eyes, inwardly cursing. He should have expected that, as Jack had tried to talk about it in the past month, ever since Ianto had asked for help in this Weevil case. Ianto always avoided answering.

“What if I do?” he replied, and Jack tightened his grip on his waist until Ianto agreed on straightening up so they could look at each other in the eye.

“Don't,” Jack whispered, and it felt too honest for Ianto who looked away.

“It's not that I want it. Not really... I don't know. Well I do, but it's hard to explain...”

“Try me,” the Torchwood leader said, cupping his face so he would stop avoiding eye contact. Ianto looked at deep blue eyes. Sad eyes. Maybe it wasn't that hard to explain, especially if Jack felt the same.

“I want to die. But I know I can't. It's not fair, and... There's no point in surviving if I just die after, is there? I don't know, maybe I want to live, but I don't want to _have_ a life.”

“Then live. You'll eventually find meaning again. And to answer you, sometimes I don't manage. But I don't really have the choice, I'm not done here. So I keep going. I make friends every time, I keep caring, I keep loving, I keep helping the people I can, no matter what I lose.”

“Then you're much braver and optimistic than I am,” Ianto smiled kindly.

“Nah, I'm just old and experienced. When I was younger, people gave me second chances. I don't want to let these people down, even if they're not here anymore.”

Ianto nodded and looked down. Torchwood had been his second chance, but it was gone. He wished he could think as Jack did, but he was just lost and broken, and he didn't have any friends left, not ones from his past. Loneliness didn't help.

They stayed silent for a while, until Jack kissed him lightly. He responded, letting desire take over him, washing away sorrow and sadness.

“Are you still drunk?” Jack asked as the young man was pushing him against the sheets and trying to kiss every inch of skin he could find.

“Nope,” Ianto replied, straightening up to look at Jack, dark eyes meeting dark eyes.

“You're sure you want this now?” the man insisted, and Ianto didn't look away, trying to make him understand something he wasn't going to voice. He needed this. He needed _him_. Jack nodded his answer and they kissed again, less kindly, less carefully, with more teeth and tongues and lips, more desperately than before.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Title from 27 by Fall Out Boy)
> 
> As usual, don't hesitate to leave a comment, it's what motivate and inspire me :) I don't have much to say, just that I managed to write, but I have an unfinished chapter in the middle of everything.  
> When I said that I'll probably do the Torchwood Fest (in October, for the ten years) in the previous chapter, it actually means I'll totally do it and as I write a lot I wanna write like three or four fic per day, can someone stop me? So I'll write this one less! (I still have like 8 chapters in advance, dont worry)


	11. I was the one who was washing blood off your hands

“But will you go?”

“I don't know, it's in a long time,” Ianto sighed at Rhiannon. She had called, to ask him about Christmas. She was planning on spending it with her husband and the kids only, but didn't want it to annoy Ianto. He wasn't annoyed at all, as he hated family gathering like this. What annoyed him was that it was the end of September and he had no idea where he would be for Christmas, or if he could be there for his mother or not. He didn't even know what he'd do the day after.

“Please?”

“If you don't want her to be alone, why don't you go?”

“Ianto!”

“Sorry, I know. But still, Christmas, Rhi'. It's once in a year...”

“What? I'm sorry Ianto I can't hear you over the sound of the train you took without warning to leave everything behind and go off to London.”

“... Point taken. Still, why me?” He dramatically asked, knowing they both were rolling their eyes.

“I don't know maybe the fact that one woman only had two children in her life and it happens to be us, and the woman is our mother, so we could at least be here for her. Much like she was here for you when you were younger,” Rhiannon grumbled, but Ianto knew she was smiling.

“I'll see what I can do,” he smiled.

“Great!” Ianto looked away from the wall he was staring at and got up when someone knocked weakly at the door. “How are you anyway? Long time no see.”

“It's been like a month or so, that's not long.”

“Still, how are you holding twenty-five?”

“It strangely looks a lot like twenty-four, I'm a bit disappointed. Much like twenty-four looked like twenty-three. Really, years don't make a lot of difference, that's a shame,” he said as he opened the door. He saw Jack through the small space the chain lock allowed, and closed the door only to unlock it and opened it again.

“You'll regret saying this when you'll be past thirty,” he heard Rhiannon chuckle as Jack didn't even wait for an invitation and stormed in his flat.

“Make yourself at home,” Ianto mumbled as he closed the door behind him.

“What?” his sister asked, not understanding.

“Oh, sorry. I gotta go, we'll talk another day. Kiss the kids for me.”

“Oh... Okay. Will do. Bye, Ianto.”

“Love you,” Ianto said and hung up with a sigh. He joined Jack in the kitchen, watching him search through his drawers. “Need help?”

“Do you have something strong?”

“I have some chili pepper somewhere,” Ianto smiled as he left the room and went to the living room, Jack following him.

“I meant alcohol.”

“I know, but not in the kitchen,” Ianto answered as he knelt in front of his dresser and opened one cupboard, taking some rum he knew he would never drink, for the good reason that he didn't like it and always felt awful after drinking some. He handed it to Jack with a glass. When he sank down the sofa, Ianto stood still, watching him. He looked like he had just cried, which was unusual, and Ianto was pretty sure he could see the burden of the world on his shoulders. He looked wan and exhausted, with downcast eyes, and Ianto wondered for a second what had happened to him. They hadn't talked much more after Ianto's breakdown, a few days earlier. They had seen each other, of course, but they hadn't talked, because they just weren't seeing each other for that purpose.

He let Jack drink until he raised sad eyes on him. “Want some?” He said, sounding like he was about to cry again. Ianto shook his head and stayed still, his hands in his pockets.

“Is there anything I can do?” Ianto asked, not knowing what to do.

“Not really.”

“Work?”

“You can say this. Complicated.”

“It's me.”

“Yeah. Right. Sorry. You know about Torchwood and everything... Actually I might need you for something.”

“What do you want?” Ianto tried to sound as kind as he could, but Jack didn't seem to notice it.

“You,” he replied, his eyes darkening. If it was from desire or something else, Ianto didn't know. Not that he wouldn't find out soon, but still.

“How?” he simply asked, knowing Jack wouldn't say anything without sex before. If he ever said anything, because he didn't share a lot. But then again, he had never looked so miserable.

“You like sex between us?”

Ianto frowned, but shrugged. “Of course I do. Why?”

“Show me,” Jack said, looking away, and it almost felt like he was begging. Ianto stared at him, waiting for a sign he had just misheard him, but Jack purposely avoided eye contact.

He waited for a couple more minutes, then stretched out his hand. Jack flinched away, then looked up with more hope in his eyes than Ianto had ever seen in someone's eyes. And maybe gratitude. It felt weird, seeing Jack so vulnerable. When he finally took his hand, he realised that Jack was shaking. He slowly dragged him to his bedroom, surprised by how much trust Jack placed in him when he closed his eyes and let him undress him slowly.

He was cautious in undressing Jack. He had already noticed he didn't have his coat on – which made him look even more vulnerable – and he slowly put the braces away, he carefully unbuttoned his shirt, caressed his arms as he kindly took the cloth away, taking his time to fold it and put it on the chair he had in front of his little desk. He then kissed Jack, who didn't really answer, and ran his hand through the few wild strands of hair that sadly fell on his forehead. He helped him out of his under-shirt and took his own t-shirt off as well, putting them both down on the chair. He kissed Jack again, longer. This time Jack responded, in a needy way that left both men breathless when they parted.

They looked at each other for a moment, then Jack nodded and looked down. Ianto kissed him on the cheek and gently took his arms to push him on the bed. He quirked an eyebrow when Jack closed his eyes and seemed to be sleeping, even if Ianto knew he wasn't. He was still too tense, and Ianto wondered again what had happened to him. He shook his head. Showing he liked sex with Jack? That, he could do. He could show he liked Jack, he could show how amazing it felt to be with him. For once Jack could be the one forgetting something. Not that Ianto knew what he felt the other times, but he knew that Jack needed this the same way he had himself needed it before. To forget and feel good, and probably sleep.

Still carefully, still very slowly, he took his shoes and socks off then both their trousers and underwear, still folding everything. Jack still had his eyes closed and looked a bit more relaxed, but Ianto knew he still wasn't there. He took the phone from the trousers he had just folded and turned it off discreetly, not wanting anything to disturb them. He was afraid that Jack would never open up if something broke the quiet peace Ianto had managed to bring him to.

He smiled as kindly as he could and lied over Jack who gasped at the contact, as if he had already forgotten about Ianto being there. He opened his eyes and met Ianto's, but close them quickly. Leaning on his arms so he wouldn't crush Jack under him, Ianto started to kiss him on the chest and slowly made his way up. By the time he was kissing him on the mouth, long and hard, Jack was whimpering at every kiss and put his hands in his hair, holding onto him for dear life.

 

That night, Ianto was entirely in control. He did what Jack had asked him to do. He showed Jack he cared, as much as he could. He didn't say aloud that Jack was crying, but he saw it, despite his resignation to keep his eyes shut. He opened his eyes after a while and Ianto didn't look away, staring deep into his soul as Jack wasn't putting on any mask. When he finally closed his eyes again, Ianto was lost for a moment. He had felt as if travelling somewhere else for a moment, reading what he could in Jack's eyes – sorrow, sadness, some anger, self-despite, a lot of self-loathing and hatred, too much guilt and regrets, but also care, fondness and gratitude – and it had overwhelmed him for a moment, but he still had been able to concentrate back on the matter at hand: comforting Jack.

It had worked, or it seemed like it had. Jack was sleeping, cuddling close with Ianto. He knew he had been listening to his heartbeat – which obviously had increased at that moment because why not – before dozing off, and he had found it kind of cute. But now Jack was on him, and he couldn't move because he didn't want to wake him up, so he hadn't had time to clean up or anything, but he could do with it. Jack's hair didn't allow him to see his face, and he wondered if he still looked as broken as he had been when he had entered his flat. He hoped not, because he was starting to care a bit too much for Jack, ever since he had brought him home that night and listened to him and talked with him. Maybe even before. He felt closer to him, because Jack had seemed honest when he had talked. He sounded like he had been through Hell and back on Earth, which is how Ianto felt sometimes. Maybe Jack was even more broken than him. It oddly comforted him to think that, even if he didn't wish that on Jack.

As the night went on, Jack rolled on his back and Ianto was able to stand up to clean himself and bring a wet cloth if needed. He drank water and also brought a glass to Jack, with a couple of aspirin if he had headaches. He lied back down and stared up at the ceiling. That was when the nightmares came. Jack wasn't much of a sleeper, so Ianto hadn't really watched him sleep before. He didn't seem to make any nightmares, as he had never been awakened in the middle of the night because of him moving, but now he was and Ianto didn't really know what to do. Should he wake him up or not?

He tried to put a soothing hand on his arm, which didn't work at all, then calmly ran his fingers through his hair, humming a song he vaguely remembered hearing when he was younger. He kissed his shoulder when it still didn't work, then started to worry when Jack moved violently, almost hitting him on the face, and started muttering under his breath. Ianto shook him so he would wake up, and he finally did with a painful gasp.

“What happened this time?” he panted, checking for his vitals, which was a weird reflex. And what did 'this time' mean? Ianto didn't ask.

“Just a bad dream,” he said instead, stroking Jack's back. Jack eventually looked at him, his mouth opening dumbly.

“Oh. Okay,” he sighed, then sank back on the bed, rubbing his eyes. Ianto kept his soothing gestures on his hair and stopped when Jack clearly bit back a sob. He tried to hide it and turned his back on Ianto, but quickly turned again and hid his head on Ianto's chest.

“What really happened, Jack?” Ianto whispered, not knowing how to reach out to Jack who shook his head.

“I can't. I need... I don't want you to yell at me either.”

“I won't. I promise I won't. Tell me what happened to you so I can help.”

Jack sniffed and Ianto held him close in his arms as he felt tears on his chest. He had never been good with people crying in his arms, and apparently this time he wasn't going to be very helpful either.

“I fucked up,” Jack eventually mumbled, and Ianto took a moment to understand what he had just said. He let go a bit so Jack could pull back enough to talk. He did talk, but he didn't look at him.

He talked about people Ianto had no idea who they were – Suzie, Gwen, Owen, Tosh – but he managed to guess they were Torchwood. He knew how many they were, it helped. He understood who Estelle had been, even if at first Jack described her as an old acquaintance, he then quickly admitted she had been someone he had cared deeply about at some point. Someone he had loved, Ianto guessed. Apparently she was dead, killed by some evil fairies – that part was weird and Ianto ironically thought that fairies were a new weird one, even for Torchwood standards – and it had deeply affected Jack. Which Ianto understood perfectly. This explained Jack's sadness.

His guilt and self-hatred came from something else. The fairies had Chosen Ones, in this case one little girl randomly picked, and they wanted her in their world. Jack had already met them, and knew that fighting them was a lost cause. Ianto didn't understand a lot from Jack's rambling after that. He knew he had to give the little girl to the fairies and as the leader, he had made the decision. Alone. Without his team's approval or advice. Which obviously none of them had taken in a good way, as none had spoken to him afterwards. Jack had been brooding on his own then come to Ianto's flat, seeking for any form of support and comfort. He had lost his team's trust by sacrificing a child to aliens, or whatever they were, he knew couldn't be dealt with.

Ianto could understand the decisions a leader had to stumble upon. Yvonne Hartman had had the choice between building a portal that allowed ghost shift or leave it a mystery for her whole life, and she had made the wrong one, but Ianto had never blamed her for it. Well, maybe he had, but he had blamed the whole Earth at least once in his toughest nights, so it probably didn't mean a lot. He could also understand the team's point of view, on the other hand. They were probably persuaded that Jack was supposed to come up with the best of plans every time when really, sometimes you just had to keep your head down and let the storm pass because doing only the slightest move could cause a disaster. They'd eventually see this.

That was what Ianto told Jack. They stayed silent for a long time, and Ianto was starting to fall asleep, exhausted, when Jack abruptly kissed him, desperately. He barely responded, but Jack didn't mind and thanked him quietly, whispering in his ear the words. If Ianto wanted to answer, he fell asleep before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Title from the song "Don't Cry (Alternate Version)" by Guns N' Roses)
> 
> Hiya! I wanted to post sooner but kinda forgot and had things to do! I still haven't written more than until the 18th chapter, and I haven't done even half of the Torchwood Fest, which starts Tuesday.... Naah, I'm fine, haha! (oops.) As always, if you have any suggestions, for this fic or something else, don't hesitate to contact me by comment or on Tumblr ('trashmel', there's Torchwood everywhere you can't miss it) and as always comments are highly appreciated and helping me :)


	12. The pain could go just with one shot

Ianto quickly entered the pub and nodded at Kevin who waved to the back door. Ianto headed towards it and looked around before going out again. Clydwyn was there, trying to hide, probably to disappear in the wall, a thought that made Ianto smile a bit. But he wasn't here to have fun.

“Kev' called me?” Ianto asked instead, and he saw the tension leave Clydwyn's face a bit.

“Yeah.”

“You need any help?” Ianto continued, as Clydwyn nervously checked around.

“Yup,” he breathed out. “I fucked up, pissed off the wrong people. I... I'm sorry to ask you this Ianto, but you're one of the persons I trust...”

“What do you need?”

“Can I stay at yours for a while? Until things calm down.”

“Sure,” Ianto shrugged. He liked him enough to help. “Can I do anything to calm things down? I could pull some strings.”

“No it's okay, thank you,” Clydwyn said, relieved.

* * *

That was how Ianto found himself with an unexpected room-mate. He didn't mind, Clydwyn was discreet and knew how to cook, which was always a plus, and the only thing that could have bothered him was the fact that he wasn't alone at night so couldn't take Jack back home. Except that Jack hadn't come in a week and hadn't even answered to his texts after two days. Jack had said they were too busy with their work – which Ianto could understand – but then seemed to have disappeared from Planet Earth, which wouldn't have surprised Ianto that much. He had thought that maybe Jack was dead but had quickly pushed the thought aside. Maybe he was just busy outside Cardiff and hadn't warned him. The possibility that Jack had grown tired of him also crossed Ianto's mind but he ignored it. If he weren't deadly afraid of returning to Torchwood, even Torchwood Three, he would have checked there, but he didn't know if he had the right to come, and he frankly didn't want to put one foot in this place. He wasn't sure he could handle it.

Jack and Ianto had been closer since Jack had come after a hard day. They talked a bit more, saw each other even more, and spent more time being together than just having sex. Which felt great, because Ianto could talk about whatever he wanted, especially Torchwood-related stuff. Jack talked a lot but didn't confess much about himself, other than funny and unbelievable anecdotes that Ianto always believed were true. Even their silences were quite comfortable now.

Jack seemed to spend all his free time with him, and Ianto wasn't sure of how he felt about this. Somehow special, which wasn't the case but, still, it was Jack Harkness and he was interested in him, it wasn't nothing. It actually felt naturally good. Ianto didn't have to question his choice or be careful with his words as everything was pretty easy between them.

 

“Are you in love?” Clydwyn asked one night as they were on the couch and Ianto was thinking about his situation with Jack.

He shook his head with a smile. “Just thinking.”

“Is Jack fine? I would have expected him to show up at some point. I bought ear plugs in case he would be here,” Clydwyn playfully said, laughing when Ianto rolled his eyes. It was weird to hear and see his dealer smile and laugh that much.

“I haven't seen him in a while,” Ianto simply shrugged, and Clydwyn's smile faltered.

“Is everything okay between you two?”

“We're not a couple, just... Well.”

“Fucking? I got that part with Kevin.”

“Oh so Kevin sold me out? What is it with you and gossip? I can't have a peaceful life on my own now?”

“If you flirt with someone in front of us, then no, you can't,” Clydwyn winked at Ianto who grumbled.

“Well. Still.”

“What happened, then?”

“I don't know, he's not answering his phone,” Ianto shrugged.

“Did you two argue?”

“I don't think so? We don't really argue...”

“What happened the last time you saw him?”

“... Do you really want to know?”

“I mean the last thing?”

“He snogged the life out of me, that's what he did.” As Clydwyn looked at Ianto with wide opened eyes, Ianto smiled broadly. “I'm just kidding! Well, not really, but he seemed pretty pleased when he left. So was I.”

Clydwyn nodded, thinking, but came up with nothing and sighed. They watched some TV show for a while but Ianto eventually looked at the other man. He didn't really know a lot about him, now that he was thinking about it, and he was starting to get curious.

“It doesn't bother you?” Ianto eventually asked, trying to start a casual conversation again.

“What?”

“Me being with a man. Considering I'm a man myself.” It was a very poor choice of words and Ianto was almost stuttering, actually more stressed about Clydwyn's opinion that he would have thought.

“Nah,” Clydwyn simply shrugged.

“Are you... you know?”

“Gay? You can say the word, Ianto. And no, I'm not, but I don't see why two men should annoy me.”

“Oh,” Ianto was only able to say. He hadn't gotten very far with this...

“I'm aromantic,” Clydwyn finally said. At Ianto's confused looked, he smiled. “I don't feel any romantic attraction to anyone.”

“Never?” Ianto asked, surprised.

“Nope.”

“But... You've already been with someone?”

“Not really.”

“What about sex?”

“Well you of all people should understand that one doesn't need romantic attraction to feel any sexual attraction,” Clydwyn shrugged.

“Right. I didn't know it was... well that it existed? I shouldn't be surprised, but... Sorry I don't want to be rude or anything.”

“It's okay. But gay sex doesn't bother me.”

“I'm not gay,” Ianto replied almost automatically.

“I know. But this is still gay sex.”

“Oh. Yeah...” Ianto said, staring at the wall, his mind wandering on Jack. And Jack's hands on his skin, and Jack's lips on his nape... He shook his head to think of something else and turned to Clydwyn who was watching the TV again. Aromantic. That was a new info on him. “Is Clydwyn your real name?” Ianto asked, the question burning his lips for months.

Clydwyn laughed and looked at him. “Of course not. That would be pretty dumb with this job.”

“You got family to protect?”

He seemed to hesitate a moment but chose to trust Ianto apparently. “I've got a little brother. I'm trying to help him with his studies as much as I can. He's a genius, I want him to succeed where I failed.”

“Not brilliant studies?”

“I almost dropped out of high school. I never went further than this, I wasn't really good at school. What about you?”

“I did go to uni. Not that it was very productive. I was recruited during my second first year.”

“You failed the first year?”

“Yup. I really was lazy and didn't work. Well I did that all my time at school, but you can't get away that easily at uni. I learned it after a year. It was great, though.”

“Don't you regret leaving University?”

“I don't know,” Ianto sighed. “I wouldn't be here if I hadn't, but the things I've seen... Sometimes I tell myself it's worth it.”

“Even the heartbreak?”

“Especially that. I met people, extraordinary people, thanks to this decision. I may have lost them, but at some point, I was... well, I was happy. Really happy. I'm not sure I'd have ever been, staying at uni. I guess I'll never know.”

“I see,” Clydwyn smiled. They stayed silent for a while, until Ianto noticed Clydwyn had fallen asleep. He stood up and turned everything off before heading to his own bedroom, to sleep as much as he could. Which meant not a lot, as he had been used to Jack's body next to him while sleeping, and Ianto now felt the absence of it, of Jack.

* * *

Ianto mumbled sleepily as he made his way to the door. He grumbled when the person outside knocked even harder.

“It's like six in the morning for fuck's sake,” Ianto said as he unlocked the door and opened as much as the chain lock allowed it. “What?” he sighed as he saw two men he didn't know.

“Hi. We're friends of Clydwyn, is he here?”

Ianto froze for a second. Clydwyn had left a few days before, not wanting to put Ianto in too much danger and deciding to go away for a while. His boss was dealing with the situation, but apparently not very efficiently. Those guys clearly weren't his friends and Ianto swore. He slammed the door and tried to lock it but the men were already pushing it open again. He knew the chain lock wouldn't hold anything back, and started to run to his bedroom. He heard the door being smashed as he sank on the floor, fumbling under his bed. He cursed when he couldn't find his gun and looked to see where it was. He only caught a glimpse of it when a hand closed on his shirt and pulled him back. He was thrown against the wall and groaned of pain as his head hit the wall. The second man took the gun under the bed with a smile.

“Looking for this? We just wanted to talk.”

“Go fuck yourself,” Ianto said, realising that he maybe used this insult a lot. But then the man fired the gun and Ianto yelled as the bullet hit the wall behind him.

“Nice one,” the man continued, ignoring him and instead judging the gun. He tested the weight, aimed for Ianto, then moved a little on the right and fired again. Ianto jumped at the noise and winced as he felt his shoulder aching. The bullet had barely touched him, but it was enough to hurt.

“How about you tell us where he is, or we send him a message through you?”

Ianto would never sell a friend so he didn't answer their questions, other than with insults. Although he mentally cursed his choice of flat, as he knew there could be an explosion in this building and nobody would move the little finger, which could be great sometimes but was now life-threatening.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Title from the song "Angel Dust" by AaRON)
> 
> Hi! I'm back! Sorry for the absence of updates, but life is kicking back in and I've been participating to the Torchwood Fest so I didn't update nor write this one. Also sorry for that tiny cliffhanger ;)  
> If you want to know where I am in this story, I'm currently writing the 20th chapter, and completely changed an idea that involved Gwen but would have made her a bitch (as she's already not very likable in my story, I'll avoid adding anything to that). And I think I'll be done with my ideas soon so maybe the story will soon end.


	13. I hope there is a way to give me a sign you're okay

When they left, Ianto was still conscious. They had given up, because they had noticed Ianto genuinely didn't know anything – and he didn't, he had asked Clydwyn to not tell him where he was going – and left him with a last well-placed kick.

Ianto managed to drag himself to his phone, but almost lost consciousness there. He eventually unlocked it and went through the contacts, his eyes blurring. Maybe because he was on the edge of unconsciousness, maybe because he was crying, he didn't really know. But it was almost impossible to dial a number. He eventually called Jack and put the speakers on so he wouldn't have to hold the phone close to his ear. He lay on his back, waiting, begging Jack to answer his phone.

When it went on the voicemail, Ianto cursed. He mumbled as he was trying to hang up, and tried a number he had never called before. He had only kept it because Jack had asked him to. Ianto sighed when the person responded, but almost passed out doing so.

“Who's this?”

“Hi,” he said in a dry voice and tried to swallow but coughed.

“Is this a joke?”

“Please... It's Ianto...”

“Ianto?”

“Jones... I'm... with Jack...”

“With Jack? Where is he?!”

Ianto told his address and when the woman said she was on her way, he closed his eyes. He was about to thank her, but the darkness were tempting him and he let go.

* * *

Owen was having a good night, and being here was a pain in the arse. Well, by good night it meant that he was sleeping of course, which was always better than being awakened by a phone call from Tosh, telling him to come as fast as possible. Which he had done, along with some equipment as she had asked him to bring enough to help someone, but it was still painful to wake up so early. He didn't even know who he was supposed to help, and he grunted when he saw the name on the address Tosh had given him.

Owen forgot about what he wanted to say – complain about – when he saw the door knocked out. He took his gun and entered slowly, almost shooting when Tosh appeared, both yelling of surprise.

“Bloody hell, Tosh! Warn me! What happened here?”

“No time for this,” she said and disappeared in the living room. Owen put back his professional mask when he saw the unconscious body lying on the floor.

“Is that...?”

“Ianto, yeah.”

“Why are you here?” Owen asked as he knelt on the floor. He checked Ianto's vitals then asked Tosh to help carefully roll him on his back.

“I moved him to the side so he wouldn't gag on his own blood,” she explained as Owen concentrated on Ianto's injuries, relieved that he had no internal bleeding. “And he called me.”

“He called you? How does he know your fucking number?”

“I don't know, I guess Jack gave him?”

Owen stopped briefly and looked up at Tosh. “Is he here?”

She shook her head and Owen rolled his eyes and resumed his work. Jack had been gone for a month now. Without a word, without even looking back. They had figured, from the CCTV footage and Torchwood's past – especially Torchwood One's – that Jack must have gone off with The Doctor he sometimes mentioned. Not that they really knew who he was. Or if Jack would be back. It had been tough, the first few days, especially for Gwen and Tosh. Suzie had oddly taken it in a good way, almost as if she had been expected it, and Owen hadn't really cared. Well, he had cared because he didn't like to see two of his team mates questioning themselves, but he hadn't cared about Jack's decision. Maybe because he still hadn't forgiven him for Jasmine, the girl Jack had given to the fairies. Nobody sacrificed a child like this.

But Torchwood was still there, the Rift was still spitting alien artefacts or living forms, and they still had to deal with it. So they were managing without their leader. Suzie had naturally taken Jack's place. She was second in command, after all. Except that she didn't know how to lead. Not more than one week, at least. Owen and Tosh were helping her quietly, while Gwen was throwing everything at her face, and the two others wondered when it would break. And which side they would line up with. Gwen might be wrong in her way of challenging Suzie, but deeply she was right. Suzie wasn't doing it in the right way and they wouldn't last more than three months with her. But Gwen had no right to become leader instead of her, and Tosh and Owen wanted no leader at all, just a team working together. Which was too much to ask, Gwen had a natural will to lead and Suzie hated her so much that she wanted to lead, even if only to annoy her. It was hard to keep up with the two, and Owen had already convinced Suzie not to fire Gwen. Jack had never given her that power, even by naming her second in command.

“Owen, I need you here with me,” Tosh said, and Owen snapped back to reality.

“Why didn't he call an ambulance?” He sighed, pointing at Ianto.

“I guess he wanted to avoid questions...?”

“We're not here for this,” Owen scoffed.

“Also maybe this,” Tosh said, pointing at a needle on the floor.

“Did he take any drug?”

“I don't think so, it was in a drawer, I was just trying to find something to help him, not this.”

“And he keeps that in a drawer? That's very dumb.”

“There wasn't any drug with it, but why else would he have this equipment?”

Owen nodded and took Ianto's arms, examining the crook of his elbow. “At least he has a clean one, there isn't much trace. One is fresh, though. Probably yesterday... What is Jack doing with a drug addict?” he talked as he carefully put bandages around two of Ianto's fingers, feeling that one knuckle was broken.

“He seems nice, he's just... dealing with the pain as he can.”

“I've never taken drugs because I was feeling bad,” Owen shrugged. “But I get it. Still, I wonder what Jack finds in him.”

“Probably nothing important. He left him behind too.”

Owen sighed and shook his head, not wanting to go there. “Do you know what happened, though?”

“Not really, I arrived and things were like this.”

“Nobody called the fucking police?”

“I checked, but no.”

“That's one shitty neighbourhood.”

“Tell me about it, I counted at least four bullets.”

“Did you find the one from his leg?”

“Yeah it was in the kitchen, the other side of his bedroom's wall.”

“The _other side_? They must have made a contact shot... Shit, that's bad,” Owen mumbled. “How was he even able to call you?”

He fumbled in his kit and acted quickly, disinfecting the wound he had thought was minor but sounded worse – blood and exhaustion had misled his judgement. Tosh helped him, only standing up to call Suzie and tell her they'd come in late. She complained, but Tosh hung up.

* * *

When Ianto came to his senses, he was on his bed. He didn't remember getting on his bed. But it wasn't the first time that happened. At least he was alone. Well, maybe he was. He opened his eyes, failed at opening the left one correctly, and tried to straighten up but didn't manage to. His heart was pounding too loudly in his ears and the headache he had was about to kill him when someone entered the room.

“Oh you're awake!” A woman he didn't know said, and another stranger came in right after.

“He seems fine,” the man said after checking Ianto who mostly blinked in confusion. “Hey buddy, welcome back. You didn't die.”

“Who...”

“Torchwood, I'm Owen. This is Tosh, you called her.”

“Oh,” Ianto said, and tried to add something but his brain was off for now. He just closed his eyes again. “Jack?” he eventually asked.

“Uhm... He's... off,” Tosh hesitantly told him.

“Dead?”

“Oh God, no! He'll always be fine, don't worry about him. But he's not here.”

“Where?”

She threw a look at Owen who nodded, still checking Ianto, and sighed. “He's gone. We don't know where... or when. Or if he'll be back. We haven't told anyone yet, so please... Don't spread this info.”

“Who would I tell this to?” Ianto asked, closing his eyes again. He felt so tired... And Jack was gone. Wouldn't be back.

“You have one broken knuckle,” Owen's voice tore him away from his thoughts. “A pretty bad gunshot, you'll have a scar, but at least you're alive. You're lucky to be. You don't have any broken ribs but it'll hurt for a while. Don't push yourself for at least a month. And don't run, really. Try to avoid any drugs for a while, at least when you're on medicine. We also replaced your door, the keys are on the night table. Oh and don't look into a mirror.”

“Why?”

“Does orbital blowout fracture means something to you?”

“Ugh... I guess...”

“Well you're ugly and have trouble seeing and moving your left eye around, that's all you need to know. Give it two weeks and it'll be a bad memory. Now, do you have a license for this?” Owen asked, holding Ianto's gun with gloves.

“Not really...”

“So it's illegal.”

“... Yeah.”

“Torchwood One?”

“You know?”

“Of course we do.”

“Oh... Jack?”

“Nope, we're grown-ups working for Torchwood, we dig around, that's our jobs. Anyway, we didn't call the cops or anything, so don't worry. You should be okay, but in case painkillers aren't working and you feel like something's wrong, go see your doctor. Do you have one?”

“Yes and no.”

“What do you mean yes and no?”

Ianto took his time to answer, so he could do sentences that lasted more than a few words. “It's my psychiatrist.”

“You're mentally ill?”

“I don't have a choice, she's my doctor too, but I'm supposed to have a psychiatrist.”

“You don't look happy about it. Small tits or what? Oh, well, maybe you don't care as you're shagging our boss, you probably-- Ouch! Tosh!” Owen exclaimed at his colleague who had just hit him with her elbow. “Okay... We don't mind Jack well-fucked. If you see him around though, call us.”

“Owen...”

“Okay, I'm out, I'll be at the Hub. Don't shower for a while Ianto, or keep your leg away from the water. Tosh, you need a lift?”

“I have my car, thanks,” Tosh smiled, and Owen tossed medicines on the bed then got out. “He sounds like a prick but he's worried, deep down,” Tosh said at Ianto who had frowned.

“Thank you,” he finally sighed. “For coming. I didn't know who to call, I'm sorry...”

“No problem,” she smiled as she was taking his arm and taking a bandage off.

“What are you doing?”

“Owen asked me if I didn't mind doing this one again. He was a bit out of bandages so we brought new ones but then we waited for you to wake up first. How are you feeling?”

“Like shit,” Ianto whispered and tried not to flinch when she brushed the tip of her fingers on a sensitive spot.

“Well you look like a mummy, if that's comforting you.”

“Not really, but the mental image is fun, thanks,” Ianto smiled. He liked the woman.

“So... Are you going to talk about it?” She asked when she started wrapping his arm again.

“I helped a friend and it backfired quicker than I would have thought,” Ianto offered, and Tosh nodded. “Ask the question you want to ask, I don't mind,” he said after a while, seeing how Tosh was pursing her lips or biting them.

“Oh no I didn't mean... Well... I just wondered if you were close to Jack.”

“Are you?” Ianto asked, not answering.

“I don't know. Not really. He left without a word, what does that say?”

“He didn't warn me either...”

“I'm sorry. He's a good man, just... He has a complicated past and life. I hope you understand that,” Tosh smiled.

“Do you understand it? In the team?”

“Of course! I mean, I guess?”

“It's always when you think you know someone that you realise you've barely met the real them.”

“Deep, very deep,” Tosh chuckled and Ianto smiled.

“But I consider him as a close friend, if that answers your question.”

“Yes it does,” she said, then frowned. “Wait no, it doesn't. Friend?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Aren't you two... more?”

“Not really,” Ianto replied.

“I thought you... Well, what Owen said.”

“Am shagging your boss?”

“... That would be this, yes.”

“I wouldn't have put it like this and that's weird, but you could say that.”

“So you're together?”

“Nope.”

“... Oh God, you're sex friends, aren't you?”

“Again, not my words, but in a way, yes. We weren't friends at first.”

Tosh stared him for a moment and Ianto smiled because he could see her struggle with the idea. In the end, she sighed and shrugged. “That sounds like Jack. Anyway, I should get going. Will you be fine?”

“Sure. Thanks.”

“We bought food because your fridge was empty, and I'll be back in a few days, if I can. Or Owen, to check on you. If you need anything, call my phone.”

“Thanks... Huh... Tosh?” Ianto called back.

“Yeah?”

“I shouldn't put any weight on my leg, right?”

“Yeah?”

“How do I walk?”

“... Oh, right! Sorry! We left clutches... in the living room, actually, that was pretty dumb! I'll bring them to you, okay?”

Ianto nodded and thanked her again. She explained she had the keys of his flat so he wouldn't have to stand up, and asked him to be careful, then got out. Ianto sighed once he was alone, managed to open his left eye a bit more, even if he saw double as Owen had warned him, and took his phone on his night-stand.

“Ianto?” The familiar voice of Clydwyn said after a couple of seconds.

“Yeah,” Ianto said. “They were here.”

“Shit, are you okay?”

“I'm fine, they understood I didn't know where you were.”

“I'll be back soon.”

“It's okay, I shouldn't be taking drug anytime soon.”

“Are you stopping?”

“Ugh... Nope. I think I should just stay clean for a while.”

“Ianto, what happened? Are you okay?”

“Some people helped me, don't worry.”

“What do you have?”

“Just a swollen eye, don't worry.”

“Those bastards... I'm really sorry Ianto. What are you not telling?”

“Nothing, they just smashed my door, I liked it...”

Clydwyn laughed nervously, which made Ianto smile weakly. He didn't stay longer on the phone and hung up to sleep, feeling exhausted by the events of the day.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Title from the song "Memories" by Within Temptation)
> 
> I am sorry for any mistake, I am not an expert in injuries and all, I've tried my best.  
> Good news! (well should be) I've finished this story, so it will have 26 chapters. I apologize in advance, I precipitated the end because I was losing motivation but didn't want to let this fic hanging, incomplete. Things resolve quickly at the end and I didn't put some ideas I had but at least you'll have an end ;) Reviews are still highly appreciated, of course!


	14. She's a fire girl, fire, fire, fire girl

Tosh waited for the cog roll door to open before slipping in the Hub. She sighed as she was putting her handbag down. She had just visited Ianto, something she had taken the habit of doing in the past few weeks. He was doing better, the gunshot wound was the only injury still bothering him as he was still limping a bit when walking, but at least he could walk on his own, which was improvement.

Owen had come a few times as well, mainly to check on the wounds and Ianto's state of mind, whereas Tosh now came mainly because she liked Ianto's company. He was a good distraction from the problems in Torchwood Three at that moment, and she liked his young mind. Maybe she also felt she had to help him somehow, but she tried to ignore this feeling. She wasn't having pity on him, but she never forgot that he was a Torchwood One's survivor. She had tried to reach out but Ianto had only shut off for a few days, so she had let go. She saw him less and less, because he was slowly healing from his wounds and she didn't really come up with good excuses to see him, but somehow hoped he didn't mind that much.

She called Owen, to tell him that Ianto could walk alone now, which was good news in his healing process – neither Gwen nor Suzie knew about Ianto and what Owen and Tosh had done. As nobody answered, she called the two women, but there wasn't a sound in the Hub.

Until there was. A sudden loud noise that made her jump and take her gun in a swift move. She followed the source of the noise, and froze when she arrived in silence on the level of the cells. Owen was facing her, hands up in the air, his gun in his hand but clearly showing he wouldn't use it. Tosh recognized Suzie's back. Suzie had her own gun pointed at Gwen's head and probably her hand or arm on Gwen's mouth – because she was oddly silent – and seemed to be threatening to kill her if Owen moved. Owen looked briefly at Tosh but quickly stared back at Suzie so he wouldn't betray Tosh's presence.

“We can talk about this,” he said instead, trying to catch Suzie's attention. Tosh took a step forward but stopped when the room went silent, until Suzie laughed. A mad, creepy, out-of-character laugh.

“Oh come on, we've all wanted to see her dead at some point. Just take a step closer and I'll blow her brain out, wouldn't you like this? That goes for you too, Tosh,” she added and stepped to the side so she could see both Owen and Tosh. “Now put your gun down.”

She indeed had an arm around Gwen's mouth, preventing her from talking and moving too much. Tosh and Owen exchanged a quick glance, and Owen nodded. He slowly crouched to put his weapon down while Tosh stayed still.

“Why are you doing this?”

“I've seen the world, I've seen what humans are capable of and how powerful aliens are. I chose my side, let's say. And I really can't stand Gwen's rambling and incompetence any more. But we're not here to discuss, are we? Your gun, sweet Tosh.”

She slowly crouched, as Owen had done, but reaffirmed her grip on her gun and shot instead of putting it down. It didn't reach anyone, but distracted Suzie long enough for Owen to throw himself on her. There was another gunshot, and Suzie's gun sliced on the ground. Gwen slid on the floor as well, and Tosh took the weapon away and pointed her own on the two people on the ground, fumbling through her pockets with one hand. She eventually found handcuffs – one bad encounter within the Hub had taught them that carrying a gun and a pair of handcuffs around was a good safety – and slowly approached. Suzie grunted and pushed Owen aside, who didn't put up any resistance except for a whimper. Before the thought of what might cause Owen to not react and hiss in pain could pass through Tosh's mind, she handcuffed Suzie, put her in a cell and changed the password.

“Gwen, go get Owen's first aid kit,” she shouted across the room, and Gwen finally moved, running out of the cells level. “Are you okay, Owen?” Tosh asked Owen, who was panting on the ground. He nodded weakly and pressed his hand on his shoulder, cursing.

“Fucking Torchwood, I hate this, okay?” he muttered.

When Gwen returned, Tosh helped Owen with his wound while Gwen stood in front of the glass-door. She crossed her arms, watching Suzie who was trying to get out of the handcuffs. When she hissed in pain, Gwen rolled her eyes.

“What happened to you?” She asked, trying to understand her behaviour.

“You,” Suzie scoffed.

“Did we retrieve some strange or unknown alien artefact that possessed her, Tosh?”

“She's just a fucking psycho,” Owen mumbled under his breath. “That's what Torchwood does to you. Turns you mad. You're a crazy bitch, Suzie.” Apparently, getting shot wasn't the answer to get Owen in a good mood. Which wasn't very surprising.

“Why did you do that then?” Gwen asked, ignoring Owen's last comment.

“I told you. I chose my side. And you're all gonna lose, soon.”

“Told you, fucking crazy,” Owen muttered, and Gwen threw him a warning look so he would stop. “Just saying.”

“Did you act on your own?” Tosh asked, looking at Suzie.

“There are authorities over the Queen,” Suzie smiled.

“What, president of the USA?” Owen rolled his eyes and Gwen sighed, exasperated.

“No. Prime Minister is enough.”

“... Okay, I know I'm repeating myself, but she's crazy.”

“Wait, which one? We're only going to vote in a month or so?” Gwen frowned. It didn't make any sense, as the former PM wasn't going to run again, and wasn't known for his efficiency right now. Suzie smiled enigmatically which drove Gwen crazy. “Oh come on, you've lost, just tell us!”

“You wouldn't understand.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Or maybe I'll tell you. There's so much more outside. Haven't you ever dreamed of seeing the stars, Gwen Cooper? You've been chasing alien shit for the past six months, don't you want to see wonders instead? That's it, you dream of this, you dream of Jack taking you to the stars. Well, he went off without you. Someone warned me he would leave, I didn't believe him... But here I am. I've seen the stars, I've seen the end of the world, I've seen wonders you could never possibly imagine in the restricted space that is the Hub. What did Jack do? He left us. He left us behind. But _he_ wouldn't. _He_ knows what _he_ 's doing and _he_ can travel anywhere... Anytime.”

“Who's he?”

Suzie smiled. “The Master.”

As soon as she said the word, a loud band resonated through the room.

“What the FUCK WAS THIS?” Gwen yelled, her hands against her ears. “No, no, no!” she said, opening the door quickly with Tosh's help because Suzie was gone. Dead. With only bits of her left. She threw up when Tosh suddenly dragged her outside the cell.

Somehow, the name had triggered something and Suzie hadn't probably known it, hadn't chosen to die. She had seemed to put so much trust in the name, as if the man had somehow saved her.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Title from the song "Symphonie Pour Horloge Cassée" by Dionysos) (oh yes I'm frenching there, hello to the french readers!)
> 
> For your frustrated mind, at least Jack or Ianto will come back in the next chapter. Oouh maybe both! Comments are always and more than ever highly appreciated.


	15. I won't kill myself trying to stay in your life

Jack had assumed that going back to the team would be easy. That they would be glad to see him, to know that he had chosen to go back to them. They hadn't. Gwen had pushed him away, Owen had shaken his head disapprovingly, and Tosh, kind and sweet Tosh, had thrown him a disappointed look. She had reached out, had accepted him, but for a second she had showed just how disappointed she truly was, and it was the worst.

And then there was Suzie. Jack already knew. He'd had a year to hear the news and digest it. The Master had taken great pleasure at showing him CCTV footages of discussions with Suzie Costello. He had heard and seen the Time Lord talk Suzie out of Torchwood, had heard his propositions, his promises of a new, different world. He had taken her to see the stars, and she had believed him as soon as Jack had left. It was Jack's fault, he hadn't known how to keep her with the Team, he hadn't been able to see that what they were doing was killing her slowly, getting to her soul and hurting her. The broken lives the Rift threw at them had been too much.

And he didn't blame Suzie. He even felt guilty, because she had died believing in a man that hadn't hesitated to get rid of her when she had tried to explain The Master's plans – what little she knew of it – or who he was. He felt guilty because the three others had had to put up with him leaving, and Suzie betraying them, and her dying. And the rift.

But still, he hadn't expected to have Gwen turn his back on him when he came back. Owen's reaction was something he had expected, Owen could turn his back on him because he was wearing the same shirt as him – not as much as now, right, but still – and Jack knew Tosh would disapprove. But Gwen had always been there, by his side. Challenging him, getting noticed by her lack of experience, her too-human vision – sometimes it was good but it was mainly a flaw in Torchwood because she got easily hurt after an emotional case. Everything that had been her, everything that had made him take her in. She wasn't like this any more. She was way more experienced, she had taken the lead, had asked Owen for firing lessons, had spent hours reading old reports to learn more about Torchwood... She was doing great, and Jack had seen it quickly. She was doing great, without him. And she knew it too. It would take him more time to get back in Gwen's good favours, much more than Tosh's.

 

The second thing he hadn't expected was Ianto. Or rather, Tosh talking to him about Ianto. She was concerned, he could read it easily on her face. She hadn't said a lot, just that Ianto was doing bad. She had left him with this, wondering what the hell she was talking about, when she had met him, how she knew what was happening to him... The best way to know was to see by himself, of course, and maybe Ianto had been part of why Jack had returned – a minor factor, sitting at the back of his mind, but still something – so checking on Ianto had been part of his plan. Even if he would have rather reconnected with his team first.

When Jack looked at his personal phone, that he had purposely ignored since his return, he sighed at the messages. Not a lot of people had this number, only the team, who had tried to reach him without leaving a message, and some other people. Jack's heart clenched when he read Suzie's name on his screen, but he then dialled the voicemail number, and froze. He had three messages, which was unusual – he usually picked up his phone – and all coming from the same man. Ianto.

The first one worried him by its silence. There was some ruffling, then Ianto swearing, and the message ended quickly. Maybe Ianto had called him with the phone in his pocket and realised it only after leaving a message. The second one was the Welshman begging Jack to come back. He didn't sound like himself and Jack guessed he had probably taken drugs before calling. The third message clearly was Ianto drunk, but mostly pissed off. It was from a week before and Jack listened to it twice.

“ _It's me again. I don't know if you ever will hear that, but... Oh fuck off, I've hoped and waited and I don't even know why, and I've tried to forget you, but I can't, because you're like this. You're good at what you're doing, and I can't find any better. I bet you know it already. I don't even know why I'm calling you._ ” There was a long pause. “ _Actually I do. I miss you. That's it. Fuck you, Jack Harkness. Fuck you for making me want you. Fuck you for making me care about you..._ ”

The message stopped there, but Jack wondered if there was more to it. It also shattered his heart to hear Ianto so broken. So needy. He hadn't meant for Ianto to care about him. He hadn't wanted to hurt him by trying to help him. But if he were truly honest with himself, he hadn't really been helpful. Sure he had listened to Ianto, but all he had ever offered was sex. People didn't feel better with casual, meaningless sex, at least not for long.

Jack needed to set things up. He had meant to do it when he got back, he'd had a year to think about it, and he'd realised that maybe, just maybe, he was willing to let someone in his life again. Someone like Ianto. Maybe he hadn't thought only about Ianto, but Ianto was Torchwood, and he knew enough for Jack to feel relieved that he wasn't pushing him away. Except that Jack had left him.

But even if he weren't going to end up with him, he at least owed Ianto an apology. And Ianto needed him. Not _him_ , but he needed help, and Jack was willing to give it. And maybe Jack needed this as well. Someone that depended on him. It wasn't necessarily a good sign, but Gwen had been that, in the beginning. Someone looking up at him as a hero, and it had felt good.

Jack stood up abruptly and grabbed his coat. He needed to see Ianto.

* * *

It was weird to feel like this. It was weird, but when Jack knocked at the door, he felt nervous. That Ianto wouldn't be here, that he would turn his back on Jack too. He was afraid that Ianto wouldn't even listen to him, which frankly he would understand. The door opened at last, which was a good sign, right?

“Oh fuck,” Ianto sighed.

That was less of a good sign, but still. Ianto opened a bit more and leaned against the door frame, rubbing his eyes. He looked exhausted, like he hadn't slept in a while, which he probably hadn't, Jack thought. He was thinner than Jack remembered – but then a year was a long time – and maybe he had longer hair? Jack didn't really remember.

“Should I come back later?” Jack offered, because Ianto clearly was either in the middle of his sleep, or about to go to bed.

“No,” Ianto replied, tired blue eyes staring at the wall past Jack's shoulder.

“Can I come in then?” Jack asked because he didn't feel like talking outside.

“No, I meant don't come back. Ever.” And Ianto slammed the door.

Jack stared at the wood for a moment, then knocked again. “Please can we talk?” He could hear his own voice breaking at the same time his heart was falling into pieces. It wasn't love – yet – but he still cared about Ianto, and the words were never good to hear. He paused for a moment then talked again, “I want to make things right. Ianto, please.”

The door opened, and Jack looked up with hope. Ianto just tossed him a shirt. “You always forgot to take it back,” he offered as an explanation.

“Please, can I at least explain?” Jack said, ignoring the shirt he was holding.

The shirt Ianto had stolen from him the first time they had spent the night together. Not that he remembered what shirt he had been wearing, but that could only be this one, as he indeed had never taken it back.

“I don't need explanation, I got the message.”

“No you didn't. It's not what you think...”

“What? That you left without a word and came back here with no real idea of what you were gonna say but hoping I'd let you in?”

“... Well, actually, it's maybe what you think. It didn't sound that bad in my head... But please, can't we just talk?” He was begging, he knew he was, but he couldn't leave the Welshman without an explanation. He couldn't leave Ianto. Not now.

“What does that make me?”

“What?”

“If I let you in, if I let you come back into my life just like this, as if nothing had happened, what does that make me?”

“A man with good taste?” Jack smiled, hoping it would lighten the mood. It didn't, and Ianto rolled his eyes and closed the door “No, wait!” Jack put his hand to prevent the door from closing entirely and, to his surprise, Ianto stumbled backwards. Jack hadn't even put that much strength... “Are you drunk?”

“No. Just... leave it, okay?” Ianto whispered, and he sounded so exhausted that Jack considered letting him be for the moment. But he needed to talk. He needed to explain, he couldn't let Ianto think he had just... left him behind.

“Not okay,” he said.

“Why are you doing this?” Ianto asked, almost desperately. This conversation seemed to be painful for him, and Jack felt sorry to force him into having it.

“I was gone for a year,” Jack whispered, deciding to cut the conversation short and go straight to the point.

That got Ianto's attention. He looked at Jack, probably trying to see if he was honest or not, and Jack let him see. He was tired of pretending everything was fine, that he had come back unscathed from his time away, and he let the pain show on his face. He knew his eyes already betrayed him a bit, but it was nothing compared to what he was holding back.

Ianto took a step to the side. “Come in.” And Jack smiled genuinely. “Just because we shouldn't talk about it outside. This means nothing.” Jack still smiled as Ianto locked the door behind him.

He took his coat off, not needing it. He wanted to be honest and the coat was a shield he didn't want to carry in front of Ianto's face. Not tonight.

They sat awkwardly in the living room, Jack on the couch while Ianto took a chair, putting as much distance as he could between the two of them.

“I time-travelled,” Jack eventually offered as an explanation to his previous statement.

“I figured. The Doctor?”

“You know him?” Jack asked, surprised.

“Lucky guess. He's the only time-traveller I've ever heard of, while working for Torchwood One...”

“He's an old friend. I ran off with him, and I'm not sorry about this.” Ianto stiffened, but Jack didn't even pause to catch his breath. “But I'm sorry I didn't say anything. But it was my only chance, I had been waiting for a long time for him to show up and I needed answers.”

“About what?” Ianto was now politely listening, his face blank. Tired, but not showing any other emotion.

“About me.”

“What does that even mean?” he sighed, and Jack chewed his lip, thinking. He couldn't say too much about himself but he wanted to be honest, or else Ianto would never trust him.

“Something's wrong with me. I wanted to know what exactly, and if it was curable.”

“Is it?”

“What?”

“Can you heal whatever you have?”

“No.”

“I'm sorry.”

“Don't be, it's not that bad. Well, it is, but I'll live.” _Forever, sadly_ , Jack mentally added but said nothing. “It's nothing that important, but I needed to know.”

“So The Doctor didn't fix you? Wonder where he got his name from...”

Jack laughed. A genuine, relieved laugh that made Ianto smile slightly. It felt good, going back to normal. As normal as it got between them. It was a good sign, Jack hoped.

“I went in the very far future, and back in the past,” Jack said, staring into space. “Back on the Valiant, not so long ago. That's where I stayed a year.”

“Wait, what?” Ianto asked, having mentally calculated something, and obviously confused by the results.

“It's... complicated. I spent a year on it, but it never happened for everyone else, except those on board.” Ianto scoffed, and Jack frowned. “What?”

“It sounds crazy.”

“It felt crazy, to be honest,” Jack sighed. He ran a hand through his hair, tried not to think too much about torture and death, failed, and closed his eyes briefly to have a moment for himself, except that the images were stronger and he tried to push them away but it was too recent...

“Jack?” Ianto's voice allowed him to think about something else and he gasped back to reality, much like he did when he revived. At least for the calmest deaths. It was the first time Ianto had used his name since the beginning of the conversation and it comforted Jack. Ianto's hand was on Jack's back, and it was the first thing he felt. Warmth spreading through his shirt and under-shirt, and it felt good. Like a balm Ianto had put on his heart. God, he had missed touching him, touching someone, being touched so gently.

Ianto was now next to him, and if he put his hand away when Jack opened his eyes, he didn't go back to his chair, and Jack was glad because he could almost feel Ianto's leg against him, and he realised once more how much he had missed human contact.

“I'm fine,” he said to answer Ianto quiet question. “I'll be fine. Look Ianto, I'm sorry I left without a word.”

“Why did you come back?” Ianto asked, more carefully than before, almost afraid Jack would panic again, but still curious.

“I... I don't know. Really. A long time ago, it felt so good travelling with the Doctor and Rose. But Rose isn't here any more, and the Doctor himself isn't much like the one I met... It didn't feel right. I'll probably meet him again. And I think I've lived here for too long now to leave it behind just like this. I have unfinished business here, with my team, with Torchwood... With you, I hope,” he said, looking sideways at Ianto who was playing with his hands.

Ianto eventually sighed, knowing he would have to answer to Jack at some point. “I don't know, Jack,” he said. “Honestly, I'm just... lost. You're sending mixed signals and I don't know how to interpret them.”

“What do you mean?”

“You left, and I can understand that. I already forgave you, if there ever was something to forgive. But you knew you would leave one day, didn't you?” Jack looked away and nodded slightly, stupidly hoping that Ianto wouldn't see. “And still, you didn't say anything, and you kept coming back, for sex. Then it felt like more, because of that night.” Jack frowned, because he wasn't sure what night Ianto was referring to, but he explained, “the team had turned their back on you, and you came to me. And I was glad, because I liked you, I liked talking to you, and I liked what we had. But then you disappeared, and it was hard. It was hard because I allowed myself to fall, and I fell hard. I'm not okay, Jack. I'm not how you left me. No, let me finish,” he said as Jack opened his mouth to talk. He nodded and shut his mouth. “I'm a drug addict, Jack. I knew it then, but I didn't want to actually see it. Now I can't even fool myself. I need it, and as much as I know it's not good for me, I keep coming back to it. Especially since you left. The problem is that I feel the same way about you. My body is screaming me to let you in easily, I want you and I want what we had, but my mind is wiser, at least I hope, and it's telling me to back off and be careful. I don't want you to come back only because you feel guilty, I... I think I need you in my life but I'm fucking afraid of what it means,” Ianto finished in a whisper, and Jack stared at him for a while.

Their eyes finally met, and Jack moved closer to kiss him. It was short, because the sensation made Jack move away, but it was strong and meant something. “I really want to do things right.”

“It sounds lamely romantic,” Ianto smiled, trying to step out of seriousness. And maybe a bit of awkwardness.

“What about a date?” Jack said, because it felt right and he realised that it was what he wanted. How he wanted to do it.

A date to show Ianto that he didn't want to go back to what they had, to meaningless sex, but more. Not like soppy couple or anything, but he wanted more than just sex. He cared about Ianto, he really did, and he wanted to show him, he wanted Ianto to know that he could talk to him, that he was here to help if needed...

“I'm sorry?” Ianto blinked.

“You and me, in a restaurant?”

“I... Please, Jack, I just need a little time. Can you give me that?”

Jack stared at him. It wasn't a no. It wasn't a yes either, but it was better than a 'go fuck yourself'. He eventually nodded, understanding that Ianto needed time. And probably space. He reluctantly got up and nervously ran a hand on his neck. Wow, he was turning into some kind of shy sixteen years old on his first date. “Right. I should go, I guess.”

Ianto stood up too, with difficulty, and walked Jack to the door. Jack hesitated a moment but when he saw Ianto blink of tiredness, he kissed him on the cheek, letting the kiss linger maybe a little too long. Ianto frowned when he pulled back, and Jack winked at him with a small smile.

“Your shirt,” Ianto called back as he was about to open the door.

“Keep it, it suits you better.”

Ianto didn't answer, even not a smart reply to say that Jack had never seen him in it so he couldn't know, and instead bit as his own lip. “Jack?” he eventually said, looking up at him.

“Yeah?”

Ianto looked away again and sighed. “Can you stay?”

“What?”

“Can you... Don't make me repeat it...”

“I thought you wanted...”

“I just want to sleep. I told you, I've missed you, and I haven't been able to sleep in a long time. Please, you seem to need it as much as I do...”

And Jack did, he truly did. He didn't want to be alone, but he was going to find some roof and go think there, it had been a long time. Staying home with Ianto was a way better solution, though. He nodded and followed Ianto in his bedroom, noticing that he was walking with a slight limp on the left leg. Jack had first put it on exhaustion, but it didn't feel like it at all. He said nothing nevertheless and took his braces and shirt off as Ianto was slowly undressing as well. If he had doubts before, Jack clearly saw the scar on his leg as he was taking his trousers off.

“What's this?” he asked despite himself, and Ianto turned abruptly, then put on some pyjamas bottoms as quickly as he could.

“Nothing,” he said, then sighed after taking his shirt off. Jack looked at his chest, arms and stomach. He really was thinner than before he had left. “I got shot,” Ianto eventually admitted, probably because he knew Jack would find out sooner rather than later.

“You what?” Jack asked, eyes wide opened. “Tell me the team didn't get you involved in some Torchwood business?!”

“No they didn't... I did call Tosh, afterwards. Owen helped me, and it doesn't hurt that much any more, it's just... I'm tired so I feel it, that's all. I can walk or run normally again.”

“But what happened, then?” Jack asked, and lay on the bed because Ianto had just done so.

“I helped a friend, everything's settled now.”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Plus, I get free dru--” Ianto stopped, then closed his eyes briefly. “Whatever.”

“You helped your dealer out, didn't you?”

“Yes, but he's nice.”

Jack tried to come up with something to say, but didn't find anything, and his eyes were starting to close by themselves. Before sleep could claim him, he turned and put his head on Ianto's shoulder, smiling when he heard by Ianto's calm breathing that he was already asleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Title from the song "No Distance Left to Run" by Blur)
> 
> I told you they'd come back :D  
> Comments are always welcome, thanks for following this story! :)


	16. I just wanna feel alive and get to see your face again

The next few days were calm. Jack didn't go to see Ianto, waiting for him to make a move. Or waiting to know what to do. And he had to deal with the team, and the rift, which seemed to be very active lately, as if it didn't want to give him time for himself. It wasn't all that bad, as missions helped him reconnect with the team.

Tosh had come to talk to him once, saying it was okay but that they wished they had known some things. About the Doctor, about Jack's immortality, as he had accidentally died and revived in front of the whole team not long before leaving but none had had enough time to digest the news and talk about it... She didn't ask him about his past or things she knew he was hiding from them, and Jack was grateful for that, he knew Gwen would do all the questioning soon enough. Toshiko hadn't talked much, but she had smiled at him, showing him she didn't blame him and understood, and it was all Jack needed to relax a bit, realising he had been afraid that none of his employees would ever talk to him as anything else than the boss they had to report to.

That was why he had asked everyone to go home, except for Tosh who was down the messy archives, trying to find something. She came back with her hands empty – but it usually went like this when someone was up there – and looked around in puzzlement.

“Where's everyone?” she asked, and Jack smiled nervously. God, he hated that feeling.

“Home, but I wanted to see you,” he said hesitantly and Tosh nodded and sat on the couch. Much more comfortable than standing still or in the chairs in Jack's office.

“What for?” she asked, playing with a piece of paper she found on the table to busy her hands.

Jack sighed and sank down next to her. “I...” This was awkward, so awkward and unusual for him. “I need advice,” he eventually said, and Tosh looked at him, not getting what he meant at all. “I want to take someone somewhere but I don't know where or what to do or say and if they'll like it...”

“That's... what?”

“A date, Tosh. I want to take someone out on a date, but I don't know where. I haven't done this in ages and I'm not sure what to do.”

“Is Jack Harkness asking me advice on how to take someone out on a date?” she gently teased him and Jack rolled his eyes but was smiling anyway.

“Yes, he is. So...?”

“It depends on what kind of date this is.”

“... What?”

“Is it just because the person wants a date before you can get them into bed, or is it a work-related date to have information, or...”

“It's a date, Tosh. A classical date, I don't know what you're talking about.”

“What do you want from this date?”

“A fresh start? I don't know what I'm supposed to answer to this,” Jack frowned. Why did it sound so complicated?

“So, romantic one?”

“Not romantic... I mean, maybe, but we're not like this... At least I don't think...”

“Ask them.”

“What? No!”

“Then just take them out on some nice normal dinner, don't do too much, don't send a message you don't want to send, and act natural. Polite natural, don't flirt with the waiter, it's bad luck on a date. Not superstitious bad luck, but that's the kind of wrong message I was referring to. As well as doing too much so the other will think you're interested in... well, you know.”

“In...?”

“In a relationship, Jack. A monogamous, faithful relationship. It's the 21st century and I don't know from when or where you're from, but we noticed it was different from here. Don't forget where and when you are,” Tosh smiled as Jack nodded, thoughtful. “I'm not sure of what you're asking me and if that's helping, but I'm sure you'll do fine. Flash one of your smiles, it should work.”

“Right,” Jack said, grinning.

“That one can work,” she winked at him. “If that's all, I'll be at home, _sleeping_.” She patted her knee and got up, grabbing her stuff and going for the door. She turned while waiting for the door to open and frowned. Jack was lost in his thoughts. “Jack? Is it Ianto?” she eventually asked, and Jack's head shot up, surprised.

“Yeah...”

“Good. Be careful, please.”

“I swear we'll use protections!”

“... No you won't.”

“Well, maybe not, but I can't get any disease, what's the point in wearing anything, it just...”

“That's enough details for me, Jack.”

“Right.”

“Does he really accept this?”

“Well, I told him I was negative. He is too, so...”

“Oh. Okay. Nevermind. But I'm glad you're trying to make things right with him. He's a good man, just broken.”

“Torchwood does that... Tosh?”

“Yeah?”

“I'm sorry. About everything, leaving, and Suzie, and... everything.”

“I know,” she smiled and left him in the Hub.

Jack sighed and ran a hand through his hair, thinking. He eventually got up and went to Tosh's workstation, finding what she had been doing researches on. He took the file with him, up the archives, and tried to retrieve the alien tech she was looking for. He needed to busy his mind, because he knew what would happen if he didn't, and he wasn't quite ready.

He could easily take retcon and forget all about the year he had spent on the Valiant, but he didn't know if he wanted to. Now that he knew his condition was permanent, he knew he would have a long life ahead. In which he'd probably meet other people like the Master, calling him a freak and torturing him, over and over. Not that he would ever reveal his immortality to any one else any more. Not as long as it wasn't necessary. He had learned the lesson.

He didn't even think he would stay on Earth much longer. He liked what he had built so far, with Torchwood, and the team, and they already knew about his immortality, but he wasn't sure he would be able to keep going after they'd all die. He wasn't sure he wanted to start over and over. Not in Cardiff, not on Earth, at least. It was small, so small, and it had been enough for him while he waited for the Doctor, but he knew himself, he knew he'd grow tired of this, he had never lived more than a couple of years in the same place – except on Boeshane where he had spent his childhood until the Time Agency recruited him – and he had already been there for so long, just waiting.

Jack sighed as he saw that he was shaking, and nervously scratching his wrists. Sometimes it felt like he had never left the Valiant and was still tied up in this bloody room. He abruptly slammed the flat of his hands on the shelf next to him and swore in another language as a box fell on his head.

They needed to organise their archives, one day. Gwen had tried, a bit, but she didn't have much time, especially since they were only three – four, now – in the team, and had given up. But everyone was too lazy, and they weren't going to hire someone expressly for this.

His phone rang, cutting him in his thoughts, and Jack answered, tired.

“Harkness,” he coughed as he moved the box he had received on his head.

“Can I talk to you?”

“Owen?”

“Yeah. Can I?”

“Sure. Do you want to come or I'll meet you at your house?”

“I'm here already.”

Jack informed him he would come soon and hung up. He left everything in a mess, but then, it had already been a mess before he entered, and went back to the main room, putting the artefact he had managed to find for Tosh on her workstation.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Title from the song "Echo" by Jason Walker) (There's a very good Torchwood fanvid with this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4B-bDwUpfDk I'm sharing because it's one of my favourites!)
> 
> If you guys don't know, I'm doing the Xmasprompts thing on Tumblr (search on Tumblr, the blog's name is this (oh yes, I'm that lazy)) and it's that time of the year where I'm dying under work so I'm not here much, I'm sorry! It should soon be okay.
> 
> Don't hesitate to leave a comment, that's always helping and encouraging me :)


	17. All I want is nothing more, to hear you knocking at my door

Owen was waiting, playing at some video games because he didn't expect Jack to come back so soon, certainly not without his coat and clearly back from the archives. He finished his game, because Jack could wait for a while, couldn't he? After his three lives had been wasted – he couldn't properly concentrate with what he wanted to say – Owen finally looked away from the screen and frowned at Jack, who seemed to be elsewhere.

“Jack,” he said, as gently as he could, even if it was hard not to be pissed off. He didn't blame Jack for leaving this shithole, but he still had business to talk about.

Jack looked up and grinned a professional and emotionless smile. “You wanted to see me? Late at night, that's a new one, Dr. Harper,” he tried to joke, but Owen dismissed the attempt with an eye roll, and two words.

“Flat Holm,” he said, and saw the emotions quickly flashed in Jack's eyes before he put on a serious and neutral mask again.

“What's this?”

“Don't play this with me, Harkness. I know about it. Suzie knew, and even if she didn't leave any notes concerning this matter, we received calls. I was the one here when it happened, it could have been anyone else, and frankly I thought it was a joke first, but the woman knew too much. Anyway, I know about it, I haven't told the team because you clearly didn't want us to know, but why the hell? Don't you trust us, at all?”

Jack sighed, clearly giving up any form of resistance or denial he was about to put. He crossed his arms on his chest as a last way of protecting himself, and tried to keep his head up. Boss pose.

“I do.”

“What?”

“Trust you. I just... didn't think it would...”

“You didn't think, that's the problem. I actually see why you did it, but that's a lot to take in. First you left, then Suzie went crazy, and then I got this call...”

“I know, I'm sorry, I really am, about everything,” Jack almost begged, for forgiveness, for a break, and Owen lost his words and what he had initially planned on saying. He hadn't taken in the factor that Jack would come back wounded from his time away. “So... Are they okay?”

Owen sighed and shook his head, then talked quickly after because Jack looked panicked for a second, “Everything's fine! Some were worried you didn't come any more, I told them you were abroad for some secret mission, and they didn't ask more questions. I... tried to help as much as I could, but there's not much I can do. That, and I only know about it since, like, three weeks ago. Are you okay, Jack?” He asked directly after, as fast as he could, and Jack looked surprised.

They didn't really have serious discussions about how the other felt as they both weren't that much of talkers, so Owen didn't take badly that fact that concern coming from him would worry or surprise Jack.

“I'm not dead,” Jack smiled, trying to lighten the mood.

“Speaking of which, can I examine you?” Owen said and instantly regretted as Jack frowned and stepped back, suspicious and... He thought he saw fear in his eyes, but that wasn't something that happened a lot with Captain Jack Harkness. “I just want to know if you're okay,” he added because Jack looked like he was somewhere else. In a bad mental place.

“I'm fine,” Jack eventually shook his head and smiled again. A cold, forced smile that made Owen sigh. “I guess I should have told you for Flat Holm.”

“I think you made the right choice,” Owen shrugged and inwardly smiled when Jack relaxed. Apparently he needed someone to tell him he was doing good things sometimes. “I mean, I'm sure Tosh or Gwen would be glad to know you're helping, but both would kill themselves to find a way to help them. And from what I've seen, there isn't much hope. I hope I'm wrong, especially as a doctor, but some are just beyond repairs. The things they've seen...”

“Thank you,” Jack said. Owen genuinely smiled this time and nodded. “You should rest.”

“We should go to Flat Holm. They'll be glad to hear you're back.”

“I'll go, just... go home, enjoy your life.”

“I'm coming with you,” Owen insisted and saw the moment his leader lost the fight. It didn't even take long, for once.

Jack was really exhausted. He vainly tried to argue but then let Owen come with him, and they walked out together.

They hadn't been alone together for a long time, especially not in something as small as a boat, where they couldn't be far from each other. They didn't talk much, but Owen watched Jack closely.

He was surprised when they arrived and Jack didn't adopt his usual leader pose. He still looked miserable, if not even more, as if coming here was draining him. And maybe it was, and maybe it did the same to Owen, because he soon stopped wondering what had exactly happened to Jack, to concentrate on himself and how this place was sick. Owen still wanted to help, he had been since he had learned about Flat Holm, but he still didn't know how. And the nurses or people helping kept saying he was doing a lot, even just by the mere fact of not shutting the place down. He felt sorry for those poor souls, especially as a doctor. He wanted to help, he wanted to cure them, he wanted to find answers, and to prevent this from happening, but he was powerless. It was dumb to say, but he just was. For once in a long time, he really couldn't do anything. It wasn't some alien running off after a day or two, or an ill patient dying, or what he had ever encountered. They were broken souls, and Owen couldn't do anything about it, because he was one too.

 

 

When they got back to the Hub, early in the morning, Jack looked at Owen, the same way he knew Owen had stared at him a few hours earlier. He was sleeping on the boat as Jack was driving her. He had been surprised to hear that Owen knew about Flat Holm and, to be honest, Jack had completely forgotten about it. He would have thought about it, eventually, probably, but for now he hadn't. For the entire year he hadn't, and he felt guilty.

 

As he didn't have much to do while the ship slowly made her way across the sea, Jack checked his phone, frowning when he saw a text from Ianto. He smiled despite himself and opened the message.

“ _Does your offer still stand?_ ”

“ _Which one?_ ”

“ _I don't know, you tell me. Going out._ ”

“ _Interested?_ ” Jack couldn't help but grin as he answered, relieved that Ianto was the one to contact him, especially for this.

“ _Might be._ ”

“ _When are you free?_ ”

“ _Literally everyday at every hour?_ ”

“ _Right. How about Friday, at 7?_ ”

“ _Fine by me_ ”

“ _Then Friday it is. Be nicely dressed. I'll come to your place around 7 to pick you up. Still okay?_ ”

“ _I'll see you on Friday._ ”

“ _Sure. And good morning._ ”

“ _You too._ ”

“ _You should sleep at night._ ”

“ _It's 5 am, who tells you I didn't sleep and just got up for a run?_ ”

“ _... Instinct._ ”

“ _Well your instinct's right then. How about you?_ ”

“ _Work. Sort of._ ”

Jack wanted to keep texting, he even heard his phone ringing for another text, but they were edging the quay and he had to wake Owen up and carefully put the boat in the right emplacement.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Title from the song "All I want" by Kodaline)
> 
> Hi! I'll now post two time a week, if I don't forget, because everything's done and it's starting to be long. I don't want to finish posting this in two months! ;)  
> Don't hesitate to leave a comment, even if I'm done writing this, it's always good to read comments, I spend a lot of time writing this :)


	18. All these lines across my face tell you the story of who I am

Ianto straightened his tie nervously. He then took the cigarette from his lips and breathed out slowly, both the smoke, and the stress. If he inhaled deeply enough after, maybe it would stop. Or maybe he could exhale it? Why was he so stressed already? Oh, right, a date. With Jack. When was the last time he had been on a date? October 2007, more than a year before. It had been a blind date and he hadn't lasted more than ten minutes. The girl was nice, really nice, but maybe too nice. She was funny, too. She was too much like Lisa had been, maybe. It had been too much for Ianto. He had still been living in London at that time and it felt like aeons ago, almost in another life. He hadn't renewed the experience, because he had realised he didn't want a relationship. He didn't want to do this over again. Just like making friends, he was done with this. And Lisa was a too recent memory that he didn't want to betray.

Jack was different. He wasn't looking for a relationship – at least he hadn't until then – and Ianto wasn't either. He hadn't been, at first. He didn't really know what he was looking for, honestly. But more time had passed, and even if he still dreamed and woke up in the middle of the night with the burning image of Lisa in mind, her name haunting him, he was doing fine. Better than a year before, that was for sure.

He jumped when someone – Jack – knocked at his door and threw the cigarette away, without unintentionally burning his flat, and opened the door.

It was weird. Ianto took a step at the same time Jack did, but then they both stopped, and finally shook hands. Really awkward for Ianto who started to panic but tried to think of something else, like Jack. Like Jack's outfit. Was he wearing a regular suit instead of his undershirt-shirt-braces-long military coat? Apparently yes, as he was currently wearing a white shirt, a black jacket and black trousers, and a bow-tie. _Nice_ , came through Ianto's mind, but it was way more than just nice. He was gorgeous. Ianto unconsciously straightened up Jack's bow-tie and Jack looked at him with shame.

“Sorry,” Ianto said as he realised what he had been doing. “You look... great.”

“You too,” Jack smiled, confidence kicking back in with a genuine smile that instantly made Ianto smile. “Shall we go?”

Ianto nodded and locked his flat to follow Jack. He had opted for black jeans and a white shirt he rarely wore. The grey and white striped tie and the dark waistcoat he also was wearing were even rarer. He wasn't even sure he had worn them more than once. Jack seemed to like this, though.

 

They went to a nice restaurant in a small and quiet street, away from unwelcome and curious looks, and if it was awkward for a few minutes, Ianto forgot about it. Jack was a funny man to be with, and he had forgotten about it. Not that they had spent many moments just talking, but Jack had always been rather talkative, with amusing stories Ianto knew were true, as crazy as they may sound. It felt good, to think of something else than... his own life. With Jack's stories, he was travelling. Jack had clearly already been to the stars, and his life sounded incredibly long for his age, but then again, Ianto didn't even know his age.

While he was telling a story about how one mayor of Cardiff had herself been an alien at some point – something he had already told Ianto before Jack had left – Ianto didn't say anything but stared closely at him. He hadn't really taken the time to look at Jack, Jack's eyes and facial expressions, and half listening allowed Ianto to do so. The light of the place helped him, bringing a different sparkle in Jack's eyes. At the end of his story and as they changed the subject, Ianto realised it hadn't been the light, but a deep emotion he hadn't really seen in Jack's eyes so far. It had been happiness, true happiness, and regret. This memory was precious and dear to him, and Ianto briefly wondered what had happened to the people he had been with. He hadn't talked about the Torchwood team for this story, but Rose and The Doctor. And Mickey, but Ianto didn't know who that last one was. The Doctor clearly was time-travelling, but why wasn't Jack with him? Where was Rose? Had they left Jack behind?

He didn't ask, because Jack's smile was something wonderful, and he didn't want to put shadows onto it. And it wasn't a night for questions, but to think of something else than how shitty his own life was. And maybe to set things right with Jack, at least it was on the good way for it. He wanted it to be.

He realised that he had missed Jack way more than he would admit to himself, and knew that even when high he thought about Jack – judging by the unsent mail he had written two days before, after taking drugs. He knew he was too deep in to step back but strangely felt good about it. If Jack agreed, of course. But he was here with Ianto, after all.

And Jack stayed, they both did, and it felt almost normal. Ianto could even think he wasn't going to go back to his life the day after. He knew he was, but for a moment he believed that he had a normal, uneventful life and was just out on a date for the night.

Jack had planned on going to watch a film, but they had talked too much to catch a good one and abandoned the idea, instead walking back to Jack's car which was parked far from the restaurant. Way too far. Especially because Ianto had stupidly thought he wouldn't be cold when, really, it wasn't even February and he lived in Wales, so obviously it was bloody freezing. He swallowed his pride and walked, hands in his pockets, next to Jack, trying not to show what he felt. Or more like what he didn't feel any more.

Of course, Jack wasn't dumb and insisted on giving him his jacket because he had his coat in the car and wouldn't be cold in the meanwhile. Ianto would have refused if he didn't feel like his life would end in the next ten metres. So he walked, with Jack's too large suit jacket on him, warming him up maybe more than it should do, but totally ignoring that fact.

They didn't talk much, mainly because they were freezing, until they made it to Jack's car and just sat for a few minutes, the car warming up, Jack in his long coat now – Ianto hadn't even noticed it in the back seat before – and Ianto still in Jack's jacket. He kept it in the car, and kept it when he walked to his flat.

Ianto asked Jack to come up with him, which made Jack happy, and they both sighed when they finally entered. It was comfy, just the right temperature, and Ianto reluctantly let go of Jack's jacket, because he had no excuse now that he was warmed up. Jack had already put his coat aside and was looking at the flat, curious. As if rediscovering it. He had only come once since his return and Ianto doubted he had really looked around, so he let him. Not much had changed, and Jack was the one thing that had changed the most in this flat, in the end.

“Who is she?” Jack asked, pointing at a picture. Ianto smiled from the couch and got up to take the frame in his hand. He knew Jack had already noticed it a few times but had never asked.

“Lisa,” he said and realised the name still felt like someone was stabbing him in the heart.

“Was she your girlfriend in London?”

“Yup. You've read what happened.”

“She's beautiful,” Jack whispered carefully, almost afraid of the words.

“She was,” Ianto said, putting the frame back as if it would ease the pain clutching his stomach. It didn't.

“And who's that?” Jack asked, maybe because he felt Ianto tensing.

He pointed his finger at another frame – the only other one Ianto had in his living room – and Ianto chuckled.

“It's my sister and me.”

“And Santa Claus?”

“My mum,” Ianto corrected.

“Your mum?”

“Yup. My father refused to dress up as this, but I still was pretty young, so my mum insisted upon dressing up herself. I already knew that Santa wasn't real, but it was too funny for me to say anything,” Ianto smiled at the memory and Jack looked at the picture closely.

Ianto was sitting on his mother's laps, except that he was laughing, and his mother had an arm around him so he wouldn't fall – he was about to – and his sister was on the other side, smiling at the camera. It was one of the rare pictures Ianto liked from his childhood, partially because he didn't have a lot, but also because he hadn't had the best childhood ever. He had never been really close to his father.

When Jack looked up, Ianto realised he hadn't stopped smiling, but couldn't bring himself to stop when Jack grinned and stepped away from the frames.

“So... How was your evening?”

“Quite nice,” Ianto answered, still smiling.

“Just nice?”

“It was good, Jack, don't worry.”

“You look good.”

“So you keep saying,” Ianto smiled, because Jack had already said it multiple times. Not that Ianto minded, it wasn't something people said everyday to him and it always felt great to hear it.

“You know, I've been dying to do this the whole time,” Jack said as he brought his hands up and started to undo Ianto's waistcoat, slowly.

“Do what?” Ianto innocently asked, stepping in Jack's game.

“This,” Jack said after a while. He finished unbuttoning the cloth and took the tie stuck behind to gently pull at it. Ianto let him do and looked at his lips as their face were inches apart.

“Still waiting,” Ianto whispered, looking up at his eyes, and, as if he had been waiting for a signal, Jack pressed their lips together in a sweet kiss.

“Worth the waiting,” Jack smiled as they parted.

“Mmh-mh.”

“Ianto?”

“Yup?”

“Thank you.”

Ianto stared at him a moment, then nodded when he saw the deep honesty in his eyes. He smiled gently and took Jack's wrist in his hand, dragging Jack behind him.

“Hey! What are you doing?”

“Being a bad boy,” Ianto chuckled.

“What?”

“I'm doing what I shouldn't do on a first date.”

“Oh you should totally do this,” Jack replied when he understood what Ianto meant. He laughed as Ianto almost threw him on the bed. “Definitely a good idea.”

Ianto rolled his eyes and shut him up by leaning over and kissing him. Jack smiled and responded, his fingers ghosting over Ianto's arms and finally closing on his hair. He shivered and gasped as Ianto started to unbutton his shirt. Ianto hesitated for a second, but didn't stop, kissing Jack's neck as Jack tilted his head to the side to allow him a better access, griping Ianto's hair almost painfully, but Ianto could understand. If he hadn't been touched in a year – and he seemed pretty shaken by what had happened so Ianto didn't think he had been – it could be overwhelming to suddenly be in human contact again. At least intimate human contact. So he took his time, he kissed him over and over, he discovered new weak spots, maybe left a bruise or two, and didn't comment at how awkwardly fast Jack came. It still felt amazing to be with him.

* * *

They tried to sleep, but Ianto couldn't. He left Jack alone to take a shower after a while, to busy his mind, and smiled when Jack joined him. So he wasn't the only one having sleep trouble. They washed the other's back, then tried not to take too long, but failed, and eventually managed to make it back to the bed, Jack cuddling close. Ianto smiled and put his arm around him as Jack was clearly listening to his heart beating.

“Jack, are you okay?” Ianto eventually asked quietly, wondering if Jack was sleeping.

He wasn't and nodded against his chest.

“Am now,” he answered, taking a deep breath.

“Are you smelling me?” As Jack didn't answer, Ianto pushed him away, laughing. “We just showered, I can't stink!”

“No but you smell so good,” Jack pouted. Ianto ignored him and rolled on the side, yawning.

“Just sleep, and stop sniffing me, it's creepy,” he smiled, and closed his eyes. Jack put his head on his shoulder.

“Okay,” he said after a while, Ianto not answering his pleas or kisses.

Jack moved away from his shoulder and put his arm around Ianto and his head against his back.

“I said stop being creepy,” Ianto smiled, trying to hide the fact that Jack was actually tickling him with his nose.

“I'm just enjoying,” Jack said, kissing his back, and Ianto let him, almost falling asleep.

Except that Jack wasn't sleeping, but drawing weird patterns with his fingers on Ianto's back now. Ianto tensed when he brushed his fingers on a ticklish spot, and almost threw his elbow behind, but it wasn't fair. Jack stopped.

“Sorry. What happened?” Jack asked, running his hand on his lower back, on the right.

Ianto frowned, trying to understand what he was referring to then understood Jack was following a scar and smiled. He turned and looked at Jack, thinking.

“Mmh... I think that's from the time I fell from my bike. Hurt like a bitch. I was pretty young and thought I could do it alone. Spoiler alert: I couldn't.”

“Okay,” Jack smiled “That one?” he grinned as he stroked his right knee, where a small scar could be seen.

“Fell from a tree when I was twelve. I kept playing until my mum noticed half my leg was covered in blood. It didn't hurt _that_ much.”

Jack nodded and laughed, then caressed Ianto's arm, until he arrived at his hand. He showed a scar at the back of Ianto's hand then looked at Ianto. “What about this one?”

“Ugh... I don't remember? I think I've always had it,” Ianto shrugged, looking at it. He had noticed it at some point in his life but didn't know from where he had gotten it.

“Okay okay, this one?” Jack asked, now happy to hear about Ianto's scars apparently. He was talking about the most recent one in Ianto's leg.

“I told you, I helped a friend out.”

“Doesn't say what happened...” Jack pouted.

“Contact shot.”

“... What? As in... gun, against your skin?”

“... Yeah that's what contact shots usually mean.”

“But that's awfully painful!”

“It's okay now... Jack, what is it with you and scars?”

“I don't know, I like them. They tell stories,” Jack said, running his hand down Ianto's arm. He stopped at his elbow. “Make you who you are,” he added, stroking the ones Ianto had from his needles, but not commenting on them. “Make you look like a bad boy. Okay, what about this one?”

“Whatever,” Ianto chuckled, then sighed. Jack had pointed at his left leg that Ianto had left out of the sheets. Ianto knew he was talking about the long one on his ankle. He took a deep breath. “I got it by falling on a metal thing on the ground. Those three as well,” Ianto explained, showing one on his left thigh and two on his left side. He then turned on his stomach and showed one as much as he could with his hand on his own back. “And this one was the same day, I was in a confine space half an hour and only when I got out did I realise the thing scratching my back was a knife. This one too,” he sighed, rolled again on his back and showed his shoulder. “Someone shot at me, thinking I was something else. He died before knowing he had hit a human being.”

“I'm sorry...” Jack breathed out, kissing the scar on his shoulder. “Does it still hurt?” He asked after kissing Ianto on the lips.

“What about you?” Ianto said, avoiding the answer. It wasn't that it still hurt, more that the memories associated with them were painful. And maybe sometimes it scratched him for no reason or felt like it would burn his skin, but he wasn't going to say this. It was part of his life, part of him. Even the ones from the Battle of Canary Wharf. Particularly those... “You don't have any scar...” He added, hoping Jack would take the lead and not ask more.

And also genuinely wondering why Jack had no scar at all. It was weird, for a Torchwood Leader going on the field everyday not to have even a scratch. But then, maybe they had some strange alien tech to heal him. Although he hoped not, because that meant that Owen had taken the long way with his injuries and he would have been great without a scar like the one he had on his leg.

“Well, I'm cautious!” Jack laughed in response. “And maybe you just haven't discovered them yet...”

“Oh yeah?” Ianto asked, quirking one eyebrow.

“You want to check, maybe?” Jack winked at him and Ianto rolled his eyes.

Then Jack pouted and Ianto laughed and rolled on him, taking his hands and kissing him. He entwined their fingers then smiled down at him and settled comfortably, half on his chest.

“Good night,” he whispered, and silently laughed when Jack protested.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Title from the song "The Story" by Brandi Carlile)
> 
> I don't have much to say this time except thank you for still reading and supporting me & this story :)


	19. I've been thinking 'bout my life and how much time I've wasted

Jack woke up to coffee. Well, coffee's smell, to be exact. It was the first time in a long time. And it felt so good. It smelt amazing, as well. Soon enough, Ianto entered in the bedroom, and smiled when he saw that Jack was awake.

“I thought you'd never wake up,” he said, offering Jack a mug as he sat next to him with a coffee in his other hand.

Jack grinned and sipped carefully at the burning coffee, moaning at the divine taste. Ianto rolled his eyes.

They had gone on their first date a fortnight before, and on a second one the night before. Of course, they had seen each other in the mean time, they had spent most of their nights together, but going out always felt different. And Jack liked what they had.

“You're overthinking again,” Ianto whispered in Jack's neck, biting the skin there, then kissing it.

Jack shivered. “How do you expect me to drink your coffee if you do this?” he grinned, and Ianto chuckled in his neck.

“I'll be quick,” he smiled and kissed his jaw and finally his lips. Jack responded, still holding the mug, but had to put it on the night-stand when Ianto kissed his way down Jack's chest.

 

 

The coffee was cold by the time Jack took the mug again, and he pouted, which made Ianto laugh. When he was back from a quick shower, Ianto set a new mug in front of Jack with a wink that made Jack's heart melt. It sometimes happened, when Ianto was doing something particularly sexy, or just looking really beautiful, and Jack would just feel his heart dropping. He was falling for the man, slowly but surely, and for once he didn't want to prevent it from happening. He didn't mind if his already broken heart fell for Ianto, because he felt like his heart wasn't into pieces when he was with him. Ianto was nice, handsome, funny, and seemed to care enough about Jack. Well, that, and the sex was amazing, which wasn't a turn off.

Jack's phone ringing cut his thoughts, and he looked briefly at Ianto who was staring at him with a sweet smile, then quickly answered the phone.

“Harkness,” he smiled and winked at Ianto when he rolled his eyes.

“Where are you?” Tosh's voice said.

“What time is it?” Jack frowned, more asking to Ianto than Tosh.

“Eleven!” Tosh almost yelled in his ear, and Jack winced. “Where the hell are you?”

“I'm at Ianto's,” Jack shrugged, even if nobody could see him. Ianto disappeared to let him alone. “Is the world already ending?”

“Sort of,” Tosh sighed, calmer than before. “Look, I'm happy you're with Ianto, but you should come.”

“What's happening?” Jack asked, concern in his voice now.

He stood up, and smiled at Ianto who helped him in his coat, then handed him his weapon.

“Gwen's gone.”

Jack froze. The peck Ianto gave on his lips allowed him to snap back to reality and he waved at Ianto before leaving the flat.

“What do you mean gone?” He asked as he ran down the stairs.

“Not gone, _gone_ but...”

“Jack, it's Owen,” a new voice said in the phone. “Rhys left. Gwen tried to call you, you didn't pick up. She's still in the Hub but... well, the place is fucking huge.”

Jack sighed, told them he was on his way, and hung up. He ignored safety on the road and got to Torchwood quickly, rolling his eyes when Owen and Tosh looked happy by his presence.

“She's in the archives,” Tosh said. “We don't know what to do.”

“What exactly happened?”

“We don't really know,” Owen grunted. “She just came in, casually said she was single, then started to cry and asked for you. You weren't here, so she yelled across the Hub and broke a thing or two.”

Jack shook his head and sighed. He nodded when they asked him to go see her, and put his gun down, then left for the archives. He found Gwen sitting against a wall and just sat next to her in silence. She eventually slowly slid to half lay on his laps, and he let her, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder.

Gwen and Rhys had been dating since they were in high school, and seemed happy. Apparently not that much, as they had somehow just broken up. Gwen was the only one with a life apart from Torchwood that included a loving significant other. But Rhys didn't know about Torchwood, and Jack knew oh too well that Torchwood being a secret didn't add up with happy private life outside of the job. Maybe he could let Gwen tell her boyfriend what was happening with her job. But if they had broken up, Gwen working for Torchwood sure wasn't the only problem in their relationship and maybe they just needed to work out the other things before throwing at Rhys' face that she was working for a secret organisation fighting alien in the middle of Cardiff.

Jack sighed when Gwen stopped crying and straightened to lean on his shoulder. He had also told her to hold on tight to what she had, to this normal life they all had given up in the team. He really didn't want her to be alone in this, he didn't want her to end up like them, like himself.

“He was going to propose,” Gwen eventually said.

Jack frowned and patted her back in support. “He'll see reason,” he said.

“I screamed at his face when he was trying to propose... So he left without a word,” Gwen insisted, ignoring Jack's comment.

Jack sighed and tried to talk her out of self-loathing, which he brilliantly managed to do. But then it turned out into Jack-loathing so he regretted it. Even if he'd rather see her yelling and kicking at his face than self-pitying over her break-up. Gwen left Jack with a broken nose after a while and went back to the main room. Jack stayed behind for a minute, waiting for his nose to heal itself, then followed Gwen.

He waved Owen off when the doctor tried to help him with the blood, and wiped the blood himself then walked directly towards Gwen who was typing angrily at her workstation. He tried to remain calm, but failed, and they started screaming at each other. They stopped only when Tosh screamed louder than them.

Gwen didn't want to listen to anyone, especially not to Tosh, even though she was being fair when telling her to calm down and separate her work and personal life. She eventually walked out of the Hub, pissed off.

Jack kicked his desk, hurting his own foot, when he was alone in his desk, then managed to put back on a professional mask when the Rift went crazy. It was a simple alien case, but perfect to get his head off Gwen. She didn't come back for the day, and nobody called her. They held the fort, together. Until it was late at night, and Jack was alone, sitting at his desk.

He sighed and rubbed his forehead. He was useless and couldn't get one thing done without thinking about Gwen. He didn't know what to do, and didn't even know if he wanted to do something. Just as he was contemplating the idea of going to Ianto's flat, his phone rang. He answered quickly.

“Captain Harkness,” he smiled, knowing Ianto rolled his eyes on the other end.

“Are you coming tonight?”

“Miss me already?”

“Nah, I wanted to throw a threesome in my flat but you being here would disturb my plans.”

“A threesome without me?” Jack asked, disappointed.

“... I was joking, Jack. I'm not having a threesome... Jack, _we_ are not having a threesome. Clear?”

Jack smiled and waited a few seconds before answering, “Ah, a shame. But I'll do without. Anyway, did you ask because you wanted to see me or wanted to be alone?”

“I've got something to tell you. I wanted to wait and be sure but now I have to tell you...”

“You're scaring me,” Jack frowned. “Are you pregnant?” he tried to joke but could himself hear that he wasn't really in the mood.

“I'm fine, more than fine, it's just... Well, will you come by? It's good news.”

“If you insist like this, I'm coming.”

“You might as well-- Nevermind that's not a very good pun,” Ianto nervously chuckled and Jack laughed.

“It's okay, I almost said it.”

“See you tonight, then?”

“You mean in forty minutes?”

“Well I sure wouldn't mind if you came sooner than at one in the morning.”

“I'll be there soon,” Jack smiled and hung up.

He quickly finished his work, then got up, locked up the place for the night and chose to walk to Ianto's flat to give him time to think.

Jack wondered if he should give Gwen a few days off until she was feeling better or set things down with Rhys, but he needed her on the team. They couldn't just all take days off when life kicked back in. He would react accordingly to what she would say the next time she'd come in the Hub. And Jack hope it would be the day after, because he really didn't think they could handle the Hub and the Rift one member short for too long. But she really needed to work things out with Rhys, Jack couldn't let her drift and lose herself in the job as they had all done...

When Ianto opened the door with a broad, happy smile, Jack forgot everything that wasn't related to Ianto as his heart missed a beat and a grin automatically appeared on his face.

 

“So what is it that you wanted to tell me?” Jack asked once he had eaten something with Ianto.

Ianto was cleaning the dishes, and he stopped the water to turn, his hands still wet and his sleeves rolled up. Jack looked at him as Ianto leaned against the sink.

“I... I've been looking for a job,” Ianto said.

“What?” Jack stupidly asked. He hadn't been expected this at all. Ianto, looking for a job? Why?

“I'm just tired of being home everyday and... ugh... Well, I think it can help me if I find something.”

“You could always work for me,” Jack said.

He had meant it to be a joke, but as he told it to Ianto, he realised he wanted Ianto to work with him. Or maybe he just didn't want Ianto to work for someone else. It meant he started to move on, more seriously than before, and Jack was afraid to be one of the things Ianto wanted to move on from. He didn't want to lose the Welshman and maybe Gwen's break-up was turning him into some paranoid, possessive, and annoying boyfriend.

Not boyfriend. They weren't boyfriends. Yet. Just dating, and making love, and spending their free time together... Okay, maybe boyfriends, but Jack didn't like the word.

Jack shook his head at the same time Ianto did.

“I can't,” Ianto smiled.

“Why?”

“I don't want to work for Torchwood, Jack. I'm done with it. I mean, working for them. I mean, if you need help I don't mind, and I certainly don't want you out of my life, but I don't think I can work full-time for Torchwood again.”

“Oh,” Jack said, clearly disappointed. Then he remembered that Ianto had sounded happy on the phone, and he didn't want to break Ianto's happiness with stupid ideas. “So how has it been going for you so far?”

“Hard,” Ianto sighed. He rubbed his neck, his hands still wet. “But I found something, I'm starting tomorrow so I thought I should tell you.”

Before he could add anything else, Jack hugged him. Ianto awkwardly patted his back, not expecting this, but eventually brought his arms around Jack as well. Jack ignored his heavy heart, feeling something was wrong, but knowing he shouldn't feel that way. He knew what it meant: less time with Ianto. He still genuinely felt happy for Ianto, though, and was glad to see that Ianto had decided to change things.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Title from the song "Cry" by Jason Walker)
> 
> That's the beginning of the "I have to finish this story before I orphan it" so the next chapters will be quick and some things quite useless or dealt with rapidly. I apologize in advance but again, I didn't want to put this fic on hiatus :)


	20. Will you wait for me there until someone comes

“Can I come in?”

Jack looked up, surprised to see Gwen waiting for his permission before entering. He nodded, but wondered why she bothered asking. She would usually burst into her office or just come in like everyone else when the door was wide opened. He frowned when she closed the door behind her. Maybe she just was stressed about the whole situation with Rhys.

She had come back to work after a day, not once mentioning her (former?) boyfriend, and everyone had kept their mouths shut. They knew she still wasn't back with him, or she would have mentioned it, and she seemed to be doing better after a few days. Of course, she wasn't happy with the situation, and she clearly still wanted to get Rhys back, but she still hadn't had a proper talk with him.

And she hadn't talked much to anyone, to be honest. Which was why Jack didn't quite understand why she was in his office for what seemed to be a private matter.

“Something's wrong?” Jack asked after a while because Gwen hadn't talked.

“You tell me,” she replied, straightening on the chair.

Jack looked at her agape. He wasn't sure he understood her, sometimes. What was this even supposed to mean?

“How are you holding?” He asked instead of trying to answer something.

She smiled, which was a good sign. Maybe Rhys was back. Jack stood and sat against the desk, not far from where she was sitting.

“I take it things are good?” he grinned.

Gwen shrugged. “As good as they can be.”

“So you're back together?”

Gwen smiled, tried to repress it, failed, but shrugged anyway. “Who knows.”

“Any silence from you will be taken as a yes,” Jack joked.

When Gwen didn't answer, he chuckled.

“And you don't start with this? You scared me for a while!”

Gwen eventually burst of laughing and almost jumped in Jack's arms. He laughed with her as they hugged, Jack happy that she was back with Rhys. Not that it was a surprise, they both seemed too in love and comfy to move on from each other.

“So, why all the suspense?” He asked when they parted.

Gwen simply shrugged and smiled, “I thought it would be fun. Your face was priceless! Now I gotta go! Things to celebrate,” she added with a wink.

She left before Jack could say a word. He stared at the door and crossed his arms on his chest with a puff. Gwen was special, sometimes, but that's why she often surprised them. And maybe also exasperated them, but that was probably more due to the fact they were constantly together. They just all wanted to kill each other sometimes – even without any alien influence. Jack was really glad, though. She deserved to have someone outside of Torchwood, and Rhys was the perfect match. He loved her more than anyone would probably ever love her, and he was kind and sweet. Everything she needed. He also seemed to have his temper, as they seemed to argue quite a lot, and had even broken up – well only for a week, but still.

Jack jumped when the door opened abruptly.

“By the way, how's your Ianto?” Gwen said with a grin, as she was putting on her jacket.

“He's fine. And he's not my property,” Jack frowned.

“Of course not, but he's yours anyway!”

“What are you even talking about?”

“Well sounds to me like you love him. You spend your whole time with him, you don't even hang out with us any more, we're not stupid,” Gwen winked at him. “Don't keep him waiting now that we're all gone,” she added and disappeared again.

Jack shook his head with a smile. It always sounded so easy with her. Love Ianto. If only he would allow himself to. But he couldn't.

He put any thought like this aside and left the Hub quickly.

 

Jack opened the door and sighed of happiness when he smelt food. He loved going home – well, to Ianto's flat – and smelling food right away. He realised he was starving.

“Hi,” Ianto said, coming to meet him. “How was your day?”

“Quite fine,” Jack smiled. “You?”

Ianto smiled and kissed him, then took Jack's coat off to hang it.

“Tough. Working's harder than I'd have thought. It's not labelling alien stuff any more. It's more manual. But it's good.”

Jack smiled and followed Ianto as he talked. They sat down to eat and both talked and laughed together during the dinner. They had become – for a while now – quite domestic, but for once Jack really didn't mind. Maybe it was domestic, but it was always good and Ianto didn't seem to mind either, so they kept being like this without ever talking about it. Gwen's words were in Jack's mind, but he kept pushing the idea away. He didn't need love. Not any more.

When Ianto's mother called, Ianto put the cigarette he was smoking in the ash tray and picked up his phone, as if she would know he was smoking. Jack grinned and kissed him silently on the cheek, going to the bathroom to give Ianto some privacy. He took a long shower, enjoying the feeling of hot water on his skin, cleaning the last remnants of the day, and got out with a towel around his waist because, of course, he hadn't anticipated and had forgotten his clothes in their – in Ianto's – bedroom. He stopped when he saw Ianto, one hand against the window, and the other against his temple, breathing heavily – even with a cigarette between his lips – and his head against his chest.

“What's going on?” Jack asked, concerned. He walked to Ianto and put his hand on his shoulder.

“Nothing,” Ianto shook his head.

He took his cigarette from his mouth and a deep breath. He smiled, but tears were prickling his eyes.

“Ianto...”

“I'm fine, Jack,” Ianto insisted. His tone didn't ask for a retort and Jack frowned.

He nodded but still hugged Ianto in silence. Ianto smiled in his neck and they stayed for a long moment like that, Jack wondering why Ianto was crying – he could feel the tears against his bare skin – but not saying anything. If he wanted to talk, Jack was there. Even if Ianto probably wouldn't talk.

When Ianto pulled back, he was smiling and there was no trace he had just cried. He put his cigarette down and walked back to Jack, putting his hands on his chest.

“I was thinking,” Ianto started, letting silence fill the space between them.

“Yeah?” Jack eventually asked, looking away, down at Ianto's lips.

Jack wetted his own lips and pursed them to hide a smile.

“You're wearing way too many clothes.”

“Oh yeah?” Jack laughed, looking down at himself and raising a sceptical eyebrow at the only thing he was wearing: a towel, that he didn't know by which miracle still hanged around his waist.

It soon fell down on the floor and Jack shivered as Ianto pulled him close.

“Now, who's wearing too many clothes?” Jack grinned.

Ianto shook his head with a small smile and pushed Jack down on the bed.

Jack still didn't know what was happening, but Ianto made him forget as soon as he took charge and ordered him to focus.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Title from the song "Follow You Down the Red Oak Tree" by James Vincent McMorrow) (That's from the movie Third Star, if you haven't watched that movie, it's beautiful and great and with Benedict Cumberbatch, and it will make you weep.)
> 
> Okay now you can really see that I tried to write but didn't manage much. The thing with Gwen and Rhys breaking up was supposed to be more important, but also I was risking something because it involved writing a mean/annoying Gwen, and I didn't want to push too far with this character. I'm already not that nice with her, I try not to make the readers hate her. So I gave up the idea, but breaking Rhys & Gwen up allowed Jack to reflect upon his relationship with Ianto, so I couldn't entirely suppress that part so... I kept it but it seems to be over rather quickly, so I'm sorry. Some things will be resolved as quickly for the end, I hope you'll still enjoy :)


	21. Be strong and hold my hand

Jack turned the key in the hole, humming some old song – unless it was one from the future – and smiling at the idea of seeing Ianto. He had grown attached to the man in a short amount of time, and everyday just confirmed his doubts: he was slowly falling for him, but he was happy. There was still so much Ianto didn't know, and Jack wanted to tell him. He wanted to admit he couldn't die, that he was a fixed point in time, that he was in love. But he didn't say anything, because he didn't want to scare Ianto off. Too many before had tortured him, killed him, abandoned him, insulted him...

Of course, if most of them had been like The Master (calling him a freak, killing him over and over), some had stayed. But they never had accepted it. He didn't want to take the risk but at the same time he wanted to see Ianto's reaction. He didn't want him to find out one day by seeing him die. Jack didn't want to die in front of Ianto.

He figured that as long as they were happy like this, things could keep going his way. And they were happy. Even if Ianto seemed a bit off lately. He had mostly been for the past month but maybe it was his job. It was taking most of his time, and he was way over-qualified for the job. Not that Ianto cared. He was doing some manual work at a big warehouse, and Jack had learnt that Ianto hadn't found a better job just because each time he had set a foot in a building with more than two flights, he had felt sick. And that was only when he had actually managed to get in. So he had taken the first job he could. And he seemed okay with it. He was doing something with his life, at least. And he sometimes joked about how it allowed him to make sports at the same time – which Jack usually replied to with an innuendo about how _they_ were doing sports. The conversation usually ended there but Jack could tell there was something else, even if he couldn't tell what. And it wasn't him being paranoid. At least, Jack hoped so.

“Ianto?” Jack called from the corridor when he entered. “I'm home,” he added when nobody answered. “You there?”

He sighed and checked the bedroom, in case Ianto was resting. He wasn't and Jack pouted. He had hoped to see the man, and Ianto was supposed to be there as he had finished work more than two hours earlier. Maybe he was just out for some groceries. Or at his local.

Jack contemplated the idea of sending him a text, but he didn't and decided that sinking in the couch and watching TV was a good alternative while waiting for Ianto.

He didn't make it to the couch.

Ianto was lying on the ground, not moving.

Jack felt his heart breaking and sank on his knees near Ianto, checking with a shaking hand his pulse. The amount of relief he felt when he found a low and irregular pulse worried him but he didn't have time for this. Ianto was barely breathing and his skin was cold and dry.

Jack panicked again when he saw the broken needle inside Ianto's arm. He didn't need a bloody needle to guess what had happened, but it allowed him to focus and be really sure that Ianto was doing an overdose.

“What have you done?” He whispered even though Ianto couldn't hear him.

Talking made him realise that he needed to do something. Something else that looking shocked. He dialled Owen's number quickly.

“What's the emergency?” Owen asked instantly, knowing that Jack could only call him for something urgent.

“The Hub, ASAP,” Jack said without a moment of hesitation. “Coke overdose,” he added to give Owen an idea of what he would have to deal with.

Jack hung up before Owen could answer and stared at Ianto, suddenly at loss. He wiped his tears away and focused on Ianto, on saving Ianto. He knew moving him wasn't the best of ideas, but he also knew the Hub with Dr. Owen Harper was the best place in the world to help someone. He carried Ianto carefully, the man a dead weight in his arms, and put him in the SUV, driving like a mad man. He arrived in 15 minutes instead of 30.

 

Owen was already there, waiting, and took Ianto without complaining or saying anything, which Jack was thankful for. He didn't want to explain to Owen what had happened, especially because he had no bloody idea of what had happened for Ianto to take too much cocaine.

He had a job, he had a steady life, he hadn't even touched drugs that much for a long time. He still smoked, but he had far less time to shoot drugs into his veins. Jack knew he hadn't stopped, but he also knew he didn't consume as much as before. Apparently he had been wrong. And it felt like a treason.

People worried about being cheating on, but Jack truly didn't care and took that as the highest treason possible. Ianto didn't trust him enough to come and talk and would rather kill himself taking drugs than face the problem with Jack.

Of course, it could have been an accident. But, as much as Jack hated to admit it, Ianto knew oh too well what he was doing when taking drugs, and it couldn't be an accident. He hadn't taken drugs to get high. He had taken them to kill himself. And that broke Jack's heart even more.

Sitting with Ianto once he was stabilised was tough. Jack was bad at waiting, he always ended up self-pitying or overthinking... or pacing impatiently. He had done everything possible during the night. He had sat next to Ianto, then on the few stairs, then had stood at his feet, then had put his forehead against Ianto's to cry, then had paced around the improvised bed, then had sat against the wall...

He wanted Ianto to wake up, to explain what had happened, he wanted to understand why. But he knew it would hurt.

* * *

 

When Tosh brought him a cup of hot coffee in the morning, he knew he had to get to work but he didn't move. He took a sip of coffee and winced because it wasn't Ianto's coffee. He didn't touch the cup any more and left it on a table, even if he appreciated Tosh's gesture. He had asked Owen to tell Gwen to stay at home – no need for an endless list of questions that would make Jack feel guilty – and had allowed the man to sleep a bit more, telling him to come when he was rested. Owen had waved him off by saying he had a patient to take care of, and in the end it was a miracle he even had gone home for the night. Jack was thankful for his time alone with Ianto, though. Even if he was unconscious.

Tosh didn't say anything, didn't ask and didn't complain. She worked alone, and she didn't even expect Jack to be working. She really was an asset for Torchwood. They all were, of course, but Tosh was different. She understood him better than the others did and even when she defied Jack's decisions, she has a different way of telling him. And she was a genius, truly. Even Jack's trained 51st century mind couldn't keep up with her babbling.

Owen coming in cut his thoughts and Jack looked up with tired eyes, hoping for good news. It was stupid, because Jack had been the one sitting with Ianto the whole night, not Owen, but still...

Owen smiled to him and got to work, checking Ianto, his blood pressure, his pulse, his state. Jack followed his every movement, biting his hands in stress.

“You should shower,” Owen said when he was done.

Jack frowned. “How is he?” He asked, ignoring Owen's advice.

“Fine, he should wake up soon.”

“Then I'm staying.”

“Jack,” Owen rolled his eyes. Too much like Ianto did. “He won't wake up that early, just go take a shower and a nap.”

“I'm fine,” Jack shrugged.

“Oh for fuck's sake Jack you stink, just go shower, he won't die in the meantime!”

Jack looked at him, his mouth opened in a comeback he still was looking for. Owen grunted and walked away, thanking loudly Tosh who gave him a coffee.

Jack sighed and looked down to stare at Ianto's peaceful face for a while. He had never seen the man that quite and relaxed. He hadn't really watched him sleep, to be honest. Not that he didn't care, or thought it was creepy. No, he actually quite like it usually, but with Ianto he slept more than necessary, and when he didn't sleep, well, he was busying himself in other ways. Not that Ianto was complaining.

The thought made Jack smile, then laugh, and he quickly nervously sobbed. He ran his hand in Ianto's hair and kissed his forehead, whispering a prayer that almost got lost because of his voice breaking.

He quickly straightened and wiped his tears away. He hadn't lost Ianto, he wouldn't lose him, so why on Earth and other planets was he crying?

When Jack stepped out of the medical bay to listen to Owen and shower, Tosh smiled at him and Owen nodded.

“Don't leave him alone,” Jack ordered before retreating to his office.

When he came back, Owen was gone, and Tosh was working on her laptop in the medical bay.

“Owen's buying lunch,” she said, not looking away from her screen. “Come a sec.”

Jack looked at Ianto briefly then back at Tosh and nodded, coming behind her to look.

“What is it?”

“Local newspaper. Well, local from Newport.”

“Why Newport?”

“He grew up there,” she said, pointing at Ianto. Jack frowned.

“What did you find?”

“His mother. She died yesterday,” she said. “He probably learnt it.”

“So he took too much...?”

“I don't know, was he close to his mother?”

“I... he... I have no idea,” Jack whispered, letting his head fall to his chest. Did he really know Ianto that well? “I guess.”

“She probably embodied something. Like his last connection to childhood.”

“He's got his sister,” Jack shook his head.

“That's not the same.”

“I guess it's not... but why do this? I mean... he seemed okay,” Jack whispered, knowing his voice would give too much away if he spoke any louder.

“It doesn't mean anything, Jack. And what do you think? He survived Canary Wharf and he survived... being a survivor, do you think he shows what he really feels? You of all people should know that no matter how fine you look, you can be the most broken man on Earth.”

Jack sighed, knowing Tosh was talking about Ianto but also himself. And it was true, Jack was the perfect example when it came to hiding feelings. But thinking that Ianto had felt bad to the point of doing an overdose without Jack noticing anything hurt a bit. He wondered if he had ever been attentive to Ianto.

“It's not your fault,” Tosh smiled. “And you saved him.”

“Yeah but what if I hadn't come?” Jack asked absently.

He knew it was stupid to think of what might have happened, he knew he shouldn't, but thinking that he could have come later and found Ianto, dead, broke his heart. He had been lucky to find him on time, but Jack couldn't shake off the idea of Ianto dying. He knew it would happen, but he now knew for sure it would hurt. He had grown attached to Ianto and it was too late to step back. He wanted the man to live a long life, he wanted to enjoy as much as he could a life by his side. Jack was in too deep.

“But you were there. Don't blame yourself, Jack. Ianto's fine.”

Tosh smiled to Jack, who nodded. He moved to sat next to Ianto again.

Owen came back with food quickly and Tosh joined him to eat but Jack shook his head, saying he wasn't hungry. He just stayed by Ianto's side, waiting for him to open his eyes.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Title from the song "The Light Behind Your Eyes" by My Chemical Romance)
> 
> Oops. So... Yes, I did that.  
> Thank you for following, as always, and I hope you still like this fic! :)


	22. Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit

The first thing Ianto was aware of when he woke up was his aching back. It hurt like hell, and he wondered in what position he had slept in for his back to hurt that much. Then he realised he was cold, and the place didn't feel or smell like home at all. And someone was holding his hand.

His hand wasn't cold. It was warm and sweaty and Ianto wondered for how long the person had been holding his hand. He squeezed back because he could almost feel the guilt coming from the hand itself.

“Ianto?” He heard a voice said, and it took him a while to understand it was Jack's.

Which shouldn't surprise him, but it did, because Jack hadn't been here, had he? Then the facts hit Ianto: the last time he had been conscious, he remembered taking drugs. Taking drugs to kill himself. Fuck, he hadn't meant to do that... That also explained Jack's presence.

He blinked a few times, the light clouding his sight, and took a moment to focus on Jack's face. He seemed worried, if not panicked.

“Owen!” Jack called, looking away for a second.

Ianto looked around, and it didn't take him long to guess where he was. He was in Torchwood. Actually in Torchwood. Torchwood One, Torchwood Three, his brain didn't make the difference and Ianto's breath caught up in his throat. He was in Torchwood and suddenly he was back at Canary Wharf, trying to run away, trying to survive.

“Owen!” he heard Jack's voice yell again, more distant.

He wanted to throw up, he wanted to leave, he wanted to run and never turn back, then a thought hit him hard and he stopped struggling.

He had just made an overdose. He had just lost his mother.

The darkness won once more as Ianto closed his eyes.

 

When Ianto opened his eyes a second time, he didn't panic as much as he had the first time. Someone had probably given him something, though.

“Hey,” Jack's voice said above him, not letting him think in peace.

He could feel a hand in his, again, and fingers running through his hair. It felt almost nice, and he was tempted to fall asleep. But something was wrong, he had to do something, he couldn't just sleep all day. But what?

He closed his eyes again, trying to remember, then someone ruined everything by lighting a flash-light in his eyes and he groaned, trying to close them again.

“He seems fine.”

Ianto looked around, saw Owen on his side, and Jack on the other. He seemed worried, again. When Ianto turned his head again, Owen was gone after a quick check-up. His back still hurt... He tried to straighten, but Jack put a strong hand on his shoulder.

“I want to sit,” Ianto said and his voice didn't sound like it even belonged to him.

“You should rest,” Jack shook his head.

“No, I have to...”

Ianto didn't finish his sentence and Jack gave up, helping him to sit slowly, but not letting him go. Then everything came back to Ianto once more. What he was doing here, where he was, what had happened.

“You scared me,” he heard Jack say but didn't listen.

His heartbeat picked up and his breath caught up in his throat. He remembered Rhiannon calling him, crying, and telling him that Mum had passed away. It had been too quick, it had happened so fast. They had barely discovered her cancer, and she already was gone. Ianto already regretted not visiting her more often, he already regretted things he had said, or hadn't said.

“Ianto, breathe, calm down,” Jack said.

He didn't know why, but he obeyed. He closed his eyes and breathed, then realised his head was buried in Jack's neck – without blocking the air's passage – and it actually helped breathing. He knew his smell, he knew those pheromones, it was familiar and reassuring. Ianto loved smelling Jack.

“It's okay,” Jack whispered in his ear. “You'll be okay.”

Ianto's mind slowly became clearer, and he pulled away, knowing he couldn't be here, that it was wrong, that he didn't belong, that he had to be somewhere else, he had to call Rhiannon, he had to plan everything, he had to...

“Ianto!” Jack called, louder than before, and with more authority.

Ianto looked at him then closed his eyes as Jack cupped his face.

“Please, talk to me,” Jack whispered.

“Sorry,” Ianto simply said.

He truly was. He hadn't meant to hurt Jack, but he hadn't even thought about Jack. He had just felt pain, and rejection, as if the world was telling him he didn't deserve to be happy, and had taken drugs in the sole goal to end all of this. It hurt and burned and killed him within, so he had wanted to forget about it. He knew how selfish it was, but he hadn't cared at that time.

“Look, Ianto you...” Jack started, taking a deep breath. “You need to get help.”

“I'm fine,” Ianto said, shaking his head.

“No, you're not.”

“I'm telling you I'm fine,” Ianto insisted, pushing Jack away.

“You tried to kill yourself, Ianto!” Jack said a bit louder, letting his anger and desperation out for a second. “I don't call that fine,” he added more calmly.

“I just need to...”

Ianto didn't finish his sentence again, jumping on the ground. He leaned against his bed – more like a table – until the world stopped spinning around him and walked away, pushing Jack back again.

“Ianto, you can't leave,” Jack warned him.

“Watch me,” Ianto muttered.

He stumbled and put his hand on a table not to fall to the ground. Jack stepped closer.

“You're hurt.”

“I'm fine...”

Jack looked up, and Ianto followed his stare, swearing inwardly when he saw Toshiko looking at them. He closed his eyes briefly and walked a few more steps, but stumbled upon his feet once more. Jack caught him before he could fall, holding Ianto tight so he couldn't push Jack away any more.

Ianto didn't react at first. His eyes filled with tears and he caught the glimpse of something that clearly was alien in what he could see of the main part of the Hub – or whatever place he could catch a glimpse of from where he stood.

And there he was again, back in Canary Wharf, back in the middle of the battle. His breath stopped. They couldn't hear him. If they heard him, he would die. There seemed to be no exit, he couldn't possibly survive this. Something was at the back of his mind. He needed to do something, he had to do something, but what?

“Ianto!” Jack's voice once more made it to Ianto's mind.

Jack. Jack had nothing to do with London. Jack was Cardiff.

Ianto gasped for air, because he was pretty sure he would die otherwise. It didn't mater any more if they heard him. He needed to breathe.

“... when she told me I was fine, I didn't believe her. I was young, a bit stupid, and I definitely didn't feel better, but...”

“Jack.”

Jack smiled, stopping whatever he was saying. Ianto had no idea what he had been talking about, but that had helped. His voice had helped.

“Welcome back,” Jack grinned above him.

Ianto stared at him, lost. Ianto was crying, and noticed than even if Jack was smiling, he also had tears in his eyes and cheeks. Ianto closed his eyes to calm himself completely.

“I need to call Rhi',” he whispered, more to himself than Jack.

He needed to call, to apologize. They needed to get everything ready for a funeral...

Jack didn't answer, running his hands in Ianto's hair. They stayed like this for a moment, not moving a lot, Ianto slowly cooling down and Jack simply staying with him.

When they eventually moved, Ianto realised he had been lying on the ground – and half on Jack – and Jack sitting against the wall. He got up with Jack's help, and Jack pulled him into a tight hug again.

“I forgive you,” he whispered, and kissed his hair.

Ianto froze. A heavy weight disappeared from his heart, Ianto not even knowing it had been there. He needed Jack to forgive him, to understand why he had done it, and he'd thought it would be complicated, that he would have to explain and justify himself, but Jack just gave him absolution that easily. It was almost too easy, but Ianto wasn't going to complain. He had things to do, and he wasn't alone.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Title from the song "Hurt" by Christina Aguilera)
> 
> I'm sorry I'm late in updating, but I have exams and time flies quickly! I should post the next chapter when I finish (Wednesday) so I should have a "two chapters a week" rhythm again ;) I hope you still like this story, don't hesitate to leave a comment, it's helping a lot! :)


	23. Where was I when you lost all your dreams?

Jack checked the coffee machine, even though he hadn't touched it, then opened a few cupboards, and looked at his watch, wondering when Ianto would be home. He didn't want to put any pressure on him, but he was sick worried. He looked at the calendar Ianto had on his kitchen counter, the ones you had to turn the page everyday, and noticed it was still on the 27th of March. He turned four pages and started pacing in the living room again.

He reflected upon the past few days with a deep sigh, and eventually sank into the couch to take his face in his hands.

He hadn't known Ianto was subject to panic attacks, but it made sense. He just hadn't thought he would witness one. Ianto always seemed so strong and in control... Apparently not so much, considering his overdose not a week ago.

Ianto had panicked but eventually calmed down in the Hub, even if he hadn't relaxed as long as he was in the Hub. Jack knew it had been hard for him to be back in a place that Torchwood owned, especially with Torchwood so discreetly written _everywhere_ around him. And he had to deal with his mother's death. And losing his job.

That, Jack had only learnt it the day after. He had stayed with Ianto for the night, going to Ianto's flat as soon as Owen had allowed his patient to go, and had asked him if he wanted Owen to write something proving he couldn't go back to work just yet. Ianto had admitted, staring at his hands, that he had been fired for drugs possession. Apparently, he had even been arrested, but he had this sort of get-out-of-jail card as long as he wasn't hurting someone – other than himself – and had been released. Jack found it stupid, and had asked Tosh to talk with whomever she could to suppress this advantage for the Canary Wharf's survivors. It wasn't helping them, it was just pushing them to commit suicide in some cases.

But Ianto still had lost his job because of this, and didn't seem to want to have another for now. But Jack could understand, he had lost his mother, he needed time. Jack had taken months before smiling again after his father's death, and he had never really forgiven himself for letting Gray's hand go. He still lived with the guilt, even if he pushed the memories away more and more quickly.

Ianto had spent the next few days with his sister, planning everything, calling everyone... Jack knew Ianto hadn't mentioned anything to his sister about drugs, and certainly not his overdose, but he had simply explained he had been too drunk and hungover to do anything the day after their mother's death.

Jack had stayed in Ianto's flat the night before, because Ianto had asked him to. He hadn't slept at all, none of them had slept, and after a long moment or rolling over and over, changing positions, hugging the other then turning on the other side, they had both sighed and talked, most of the night.

In the morning, Jack had helped Ianto to prepare, and had hugged him. Then he had gone to Torchwood, because he still had to take care of Cardiff – and Earth – and Ianto had driven to his sister's house to go to Newport, where they were burying their mother.

So Jack wasn't supposed to be in Ianto's flat, but the Rift was behaving, and he wanted to see Ianto. He needed to see him. He wanted to offer support, even just a shoulder to cry, and he wanted Ianto to know it. He wanted to help him, he didn't want to see him go down again.

Jack sighed, then jumped on his feet when he heard the door open. He briefly froze when he heard people talking.

“You really don't need to be there,” Ianto's voice said.

“I'm checking that you're living in a proper place. When is the last time I came here?” A second voice answered, and Jack didn't know who the woman talking was, but it didn't take a genius to guess it was Rhiannon.

“I don't know.”

“Well, never,” Rhiannon replied, and even Jack could hear the reproach from the living room.

He contemplated the idea of jumping by the window so Ianto wouldn't have to explain his presence here, but he didn't really want to die.

Ianto must have guessed he was there, because the footsteps stopped.

“You know what, why don't we grab something to eat?” Ianto said.

“I'm not hungry, and you told me you weren't. I'm sure you have something in your fridge, or else I'm coming here more regularly to check on you.”

Jack smiled at the answer, even if it meant that he would have to meet Rhiannon because there was no way he could avoid her.

Ianto sighed and walked to the living-room, looking almost instantly at Jack who smiled apologetically.

“It's quite neat, I have to say,” Rhiannon said, then stopped when she saw Jack.

He waved at her with a huge grin.

“Huh... Rhi', that's... huh...”

“Jack Harkness, I'm a friend of Ianto's,” Jack said, holding his hand out. “I was just checking on him, but I see he's in good hands.”

“Ianto's friend? From London?” Rhiannon asked, not letting go of Jack's hand.

“No,” Ianto replied, than realised he couldn't come up with something. “Just a friend I met.”

“Okay,” Rhiannon smiled. “Why don't you brew a coffee for everyone, I want to know more about your friend?”

Ianto opened his mouth to protest, but his sister was already sitting in the armchair, and didn't give much choice to Jack who sat on the couch.

Ianto quickly joined them with a tray of hot coffee and sank next to Jack, but put as much distance as he could between them. Jack took a mug to have something to do with his hands and his mouth. He sipped slowly as an awkward silence fell upon them.

“So is he a junkie you hang out with?” Rhiannon asked bluntly.

Jack choked on the coffee and had to turn away from the Joneses so they wouldn't see him spatting his coffee back in the mug. He put the cup down after.

“Rhi', I'm not a junkie,” Ianto said.

Jack wanted to reached out because he could see Ianto's hands shaking, but Ianto hid them under his thighs.

“I'm not blind Ianto,” Rhiannon shook her head. “Talk to me.”

She was almost begging. She wanted her brother to tell her what was wrong, to confide in her, to see her as the older sister she was supposed to be. Jack knew they weren't in the best terms. They didn't hate each other, but they didn't really talk either.

“I better go,” Jack said in a breath, standing up. He wanted to be so far away right now. Family drama wasn't for him.

“ _You_ , stay!” Rhiannon snapped, and Jack froze. “Sit.”

It wasn't an order, but it didn't call for any other answer than obedience. Jack sat back. It was going to be a long day.

“Let him go,” Ianto said, rubbing his face. “He has nothing to do with this.”

“I think he does. Is he your dealer?”

“Rhi'!”

“I don't have anything to do with drugs, Ma'am,” Jack said, trying to help Ianto.

He didn't really know what to do or say, he didn't know Rhiannon at all, and she seemed like a good person, and he had always thought Ianto should admit his problem to his family.

“Drop the formalities,” Rhiannon said dryly. “What did you do to my brother?”

“Oh God, Rhiannon please...” Ianto begged behind his hands.

“You didn't want me to see him, so he must have something to do with it. And you avoid his gaze as much as you can, but you look at him as if you needed him. I can understand Ianto, but why don't you talk any more? Ever?”

Jack looked closely at Ianto who let his head fall to his chest and played with his hands.

“I...” Ianto started. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “Jack lives here.”

“Do I?” Jack grinned, forgetting for a second where he was and with whom.

“What?” Rhiannon asked.

“He's... I...” Ianto stuttered, looking at Jack with a question in his eyes.

Jack froze, thinking quickly. Ianto was clearly asking him how he should call them. Was Jack ready to let Ianto in even more? To put a label on what they had, just because they were facing the problem right now?

He nodded. Of course he was.

“Jack's not only a friend,” Ianto said, nodding in reply. He finally looked at his sister who frowned. “We're together.”

“Together...?”

“Yes. As in a couple, as in boyfriends, as in... I don't know, we're just together Rhi', okay?” Ianto nervously said, clearly not at ease.

Jack put a hand on his back, unable to resist the urge to reach out, and smiled at the way Ianto relaxed instantly.

He really didn't want to call themselves a couple, he didn't particularly liked this idea, but if it meant being with Ianto, he was fine by it. He had done it before, he had even been married, and Ianto wasn't asking for this. Just a word to design them to his sister.

“So you're...” Rhiannon began, waving her hand at Ianto, then Jack, then back at Ianto.

“Together.”

“No, I mean... Have you gone... well, gay?” Rhiannon asked, not sure of the word.

“I... It's complicated,” Ianto sighed.

Jack smiled and patted Ianto's back, then jumped when his phone rang.

“I'm sorry, it's work,” he explained and stood with a look at Rhiannon, in case she would jump at his throat and order him to sit back again.

She didn't, so he picked up his phone.

“I'm sorry, Jack, it's an emergency. Huge rift activity near Bute Park!”

“Ugh, why always here,” Jack sighed. “I'll be on my way, Tosh. Call the others, I'll be here in half an hour I think.”

Jack mumbled as he hung up and turned to Ianto who had stood up and was waiting for more info.

“I gotta go, I'm sorry,” Jack explained, kissing him automatically.

He then remembered Rhiannon was here and pulled back, grabbing his coat.

“A pleasure,” Jack told her with a smile.

He then ran downstairs after a last look at Ianto who nodded.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Title from the song "Lost Highway" by AaRON)
> 
> Okay I'm finally done with my exams and going back to posting twice a week (not that there are a lot of chapters left actually...) Yay!
> 
> Jack seeing Rhiannon for the first time was supposed to be very different, and I thought about deleting it entirely, but I love Rhiannon too much to not put her in my fic ;) It's a canon divergence, the perfect opportunity to make Rhiannon meet Jack!!! I couldn't let go of that.   
> Anyway, again, I'm sorry if it goes quickly at the end; but thank you for still following and commenting, it's important for me :)


	24. Even if I say it'll be all right, still I hear you say you want to end your life

Ianto sighed as the door closed behind Jack, and turned to his sister, dreading the conversation that would follow.

“You were saying?” she asked.

“I... I don't know, what was I saying?” he nervously chuckled, sinking back in the couch.

He liked when Jack was here, even if it had been really awkward, and he almost had wanted to help him with whatever had come up with Torchwood. Anything to get away from Rhiannon's questions.

“Are you gay?”

“Oh,” Ianto said. “I don't know. I like both, I guess. I mean I don't mind...”

“Oh. Okay... Since when?”

“I... I have no idea. I started hav-- I don't know. I noticed during the year. I mean, it was confirmed during the last year.”

“Right. Has it been a long time with Jack?”

Ianto stared at her for a while. A long time since they had been dating or since they had first shagged? It wasn't the same thing...

“A few months,” he chose to answer. “I've been meaning to tell you but I... I wanted to be sure.”

“I understand,” Rhiannon nodded. “He's kinda handsome,” she smiled.

“Yeah,” Ianto agreed with, he knew, a silly smile on his face.

The fact that she took the information like this reassured Ianto. He had been afraid of his sister rejecting him but she seemed to not really care about it, which was a good thing.

They stayed silent for a while then Rhiannon coughed to get Ianto's attention. He looked up at her again and felt his heart slowing in his chest.

“I know about the drugs, Ianto,” she said.

Ianto's heart missed a beat and he winced. His arm seemed to react at the sentence and he unconsciously put his hand over the crook of his elbow, now scratching him.

“I,” Ianto started, but shook his head and sighed. “I'm not an addict...”

“That's what an addict would say,” Rhiannon said. She seemed sad. Hearing it was different from having guessed it...

“I'm not, really,” Ianto defended himself.

“Like you're not addict to cigarettes?”

“I am,” Ianto admitted.

“What?”

“Addicted. To cigarettes. And I was, to drugs. I know it's hard to believe, but I'm not any more...”

“So why do you keep scratching your arm? I noticed you had bandages around, your suit couldn't hide it. Ianto, I...”

“I did an OD,” Ianto suddenly said. He was sick of lying.

“What?” Rhiannon whispered, shocked.

“The other day, when I didn't answer, I wasn't drunk. I did an overdose.”

“I... Are you fine?”

“I am,” Ianto weakly smiled. “I had a job, but lost it, and Mum p... Mum happened. It was too much, and I don't know why I did this, but I did. Jack found me and he... He helps me, Rhi'. I wouldn't be here without him, and I... I was an addict, but I didn't want Jack to leave me for this, so I... I tried. I'm not one any more, I just fucked up once and I regret it, but I'm trying to be a better person, I'm trying to... I'm sorry.”

Rhiannon stared at Ianto and he looked away, trying to hold back tears. When they began to fall, Rhiannon was at his side and took him in his arms.

“Jack sounds like a good man,” she said, apparently not finding anything else to say.

Ianto nodded and wiped his tears, taking a deep, unsteady breath.

“Yeah, he is. Thanks, Rhiannon.”

“No prob',” she smiled. “I didn't know it was like this... Are you sure you shouldn't be seeing a professional?”

“It's okay,” Ianto said. “It's under control... Really.”

“Are you happy? With Jack, I mean.”

“I am,” he smiled, taking her hand in his. “I swear, Rhi', I'm doing fine now.”

Rhiannon nodded, and they sat there in silence for a while.

Ianto loved his sister, he truly did, but he wanted to be alone for a while. He just didn't know how to say it to her. She was being so kind, and he didn't want to brush her off, but they had been together for the past few days, and it was starting to be overwhelming for him.

Rhiannon must have felt it because she stood and ruffled Ianto's hair with a smile.

“Really, if you need anything, please call us? And bring Jack for dinner one day.”

Ianto nodded and stood up, pulling her in a tight hug.

“I'm glad you're doing better,” she smiled.

 

She didn't stay much longer and left to be with her own family again. Ianto closed the door and sighed, taking his head in his hands. He dragged himself to his bedroom to fall on the bed and put his head in the pillow.

He rolled on his back after a while to breathe properly, and closed his eyes as tears rolled from his eyes. He had just buried his mother, and he had refused to go to his father's funeral. It was the first funeral he had really been to, and it was hard. He had always refused to go to one and he knew why. It was even harder to walk behind the coffin, to watch it go down, to accept everyone's condolences... To stand and keep a straight face. He knew he was allowed to cry, he knew nobody fucking cared except him, but he didn't like crying in front of people. Not crowds anyway.

He fell asleep crying, and had a night full of nightmares, that his phone cut in the middle of the night. He opened his eyes, wondering what had happened and why he was sleeping fully dressed, in a _suit_ , on his bed.

Ianto remembered as he straightened, cracking his neck. He took his phone and squinted his eyes to read the text from Jack, asking him if he could come or if he was asleep.

“ _I'm sleeping but maybe I'll walk in my sleep and open to you_ ” he replied with a smile.

He started to get undressed and decided to take a quick shower to clean his face and his thoughts. The hot water helped him relaxed and he stayed a bit longer than planned. He dressed for the night when he was done and walked to the living-room, waiting for Jack to come.

His eyes idly wandered on the two frames he had, and on an impulse, he took Lisa's picture and put it away, with other pictures he didn't use. Then he looked at the second frame, the one with Rhiannon and their mother, and smiled, remembering how good his mother had been.

 

When two strong arms hugged him from behind, Ianto jumped of surprise, then swirled in a move, bringing his hand to Jack's jaw because he had just bumped violently into it with his shoulder.

“Shit, I'm sorry! Just... warn,” Ianto exclaimed, wincing when he saw that Jack's lip was split.

“It's nothing,” Jack smiled. “Are you okay?”

Ianto was about to protest, but Jack put his hand on his cheek to wipe new tears away. Ianto looked down and nodded.

“How about we go to bed? I'm exhausted,” Jack said, offering his hand to Ianto.

Ianto took it with a small smile, following Jack in his own bedroom.

Jack got rid of his extra clothes quickly and lied down, facing Ianto who was already on the bed. Jack kissed him lazily and smiled.

“So, how did she take it?” Jack asked.

Ianto sighed and rolled on his back. Jack took advantage of it and put his head on Ianto's shoulder.

“Great, actually,” Ianto said. “Do you... uhm... mind?”

“Nah,” Jack smiled. “She deserved to know.”

“She... huh... wants you to come over for dinner...”

“Sure, sounds nice,” Jack said against his skin.

“You're sure you don't mind?” Ianto asked.

He wanted to be sure that Jack didn't mind, because he didn't want to think something of their relationship while Jack felt something different.

Jack moved again so he could look at Ianto in the eyes.

“I'm sure,” Jack nodded.

Ianto smiled and ran his hand through Jack's hair just to pull him closer and kiss him. He then pulled back and frowned, feeling that something was wrong.

“Jack,” Ianto said. Jack waited for more. “You were hurt.”

“What?”

“You were bleeding,” Ianto said. “I fucking opened your lip, and now you're fine.”

“You didn't split my lip, I was just bleeding a bit,” Jack smiled.

Ianto didn't answer, knowing Jack was lying. He didn't want to argue with him so left the discussion hanging. He fell asleep again before they could discuss more.

* * *

When Ianto woke up, Jack was still sleeping, cuddling with the sheet and his pillow. Ianto smiled and got up in silence, dressing quickly then going to the kitchen to brew some coffee and prepare a breakfast.

Jack came in a few minutes later and kissed him before sitting. He yawned and drank his coffee in silence and Ianto smiled in his mug. He loved his morning ritual with Jack. He loved being with Jack. He loved Jack. And he wanted to say it.

The words were burning his lips when Jack got up and put his dirty mug and plate in the sink. They were burning his lips when Jack smiled at him and ruffled his hair, kissing his forehead. They burned his lips when Jack frowned then took Ianto in his arms. They burned his lips when Jack kissed him on his lips. They got out when Jack pulled back, as if following Jack's lips.

“I love you,” Ianto whispered.

Jack froze against him, and Ianto regretted it instantly.

“Don't...” Jack eventually said, taking a step back.

“Don't?” Ianto scoffed, closing his eyes briefly. He opened them again to look at Jack. “It's not something I can control, Jack. Tell me you don't love me, tell me you don't want this, but don't tell me not to love you... I wish I didn't, it'd be so much simpler, but I do,” he said, and felt tears in his eyes.

It hurt. It hurt way more than Ianto would admit, or even would have thought. He hadn't been expecting Jack to say the words back, but he certainly hadn't predicted a complete rejection. It always had been the worst thing that could happen to him, in his opinion. And it was happening to him right now. He had opened up to Jack, and Jack refused him.

“You don't know everything about me...” Jack said, looking away.

“So tell me!” Ianto almost yelled, losing control of his voice. “Just... just fucking tell me! I can't guess...” he finished in a whisper.

When Jack didn't answer, looking away, Ianto closed his eyes again and put his head in his hands briefly. If he could just take back what he had just said, he would. Anytime.

But he had said it, and Jack wasn't answering, wasn't even looking at him. Ianto jumped on his feet, waited a few more seconds, then shook his head and turned.

“Ianto...” Jack tried, but Ianto ignored him.

He simply took his keys from their place and slammed the door behind him. He called the lift, pressing like a madman on the button, then gave up and took the staircase. He walked down a few stairs, then changed his mind and walked back up, and further than his own floor.

When he heard the staircase's door open, he froze.

“Ianto!” Jack's voice called, and he heard Jack leaning over the trail to see if Ianto was still there.

Ianto pressed himself against the wall and stopped breathing. Jack swore and went back in. He probably hadn't locked Ianto's flat.

Ianto closed his eyes and pressed the palm of his hands against his eyes, containing his tears. He then walked up the few floors left and went out on the rooftop, breathing in the fresh air of early April.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Title from the song "Never Too Late" by Three Days Grace)
> 
> Apparently, life doesn't want me to post this fic and I'm sorry for being a bit late again, but this time my touchpad decided I didn't need it and stopped working... for the first hour of class of the semester, that was a great surprise when I turned my computer on to take notes. I'm gonna throw the computer against the wall some day, it'll be quicker ;)
> 
> Anyway! Only two chapters to go, you can see what I mean when I say I wrapped some things up rather quickly at the end, but those were the important things I needed to put ;) And yes, Ianto said it!


	25. I wanna love you but I don't know if I can

Ianto stayed a long time on the roof. He saw Jack leaving with the Torchwood SUV into the early morning, and even though he knew he could come back to his flat, he didn't. He sat near the edge of the roof and put his head in his hands, cursing inwardly, fighting the panic attack from the fact that he was on a roof, and maybe for what had happened.

Things had been fine with Jack. Really fine. But Ianto had felt that stupid urge of telling Jack he loved him. He didn't mind Jack ignoring his love or not giving as much as Ianto gave, but he hadn't meant it to ruin everything they had. He already wanted Jack to come back, but he knew Jack probably wouldn't.

What does that even mean, “you don't know everything about me”? What did Ianto not know? And it wasn't as if Jack knew everything about him either.

Jack clearly was older than he looked and suggested, Ianto was sure of it. But not knowing his age didn't mean Ianto didn't know him. He knew how to read his face, he knew how Jack took his coffee, he knew he didn't like talking about his life but sometimes needed to, he knew he had lived and witnessed awful things, far more than what the Battle of Canary Wharf had been – which was saying something – he knew Jack wasn't the hero he would have wanted to be... Jack was flawed, he wasn't perfect, he wasn't always kind... and Ianto loved this. He loved everything about him. He wanted Jack to understand he didn't only love sex and good moments. He liked other moments, dark moments, he loved that Jack was coming to him when he felt bad. Ianto somehow felt special with Jack, and he especially didn't feel like a Canary Wharf's survivor.

Jack treated him like his equal, and Ianto needed this.

And now it seemed like he was gone. Ianto wasn't going to give up that easily, he wanted to talk with Jack, to explain that he understood, to explain that they could just forget everything and pretend Ianto had never said those damn stupid words, if that was what Jack wanted.

 

He didn't move until it was too cold for him to be able to stand on the roof. He went back inside and walked slowly back to his flat, searching for a lighter in a drawer when he arrived. He found one that didn't work any more, and sighed. He picked up his cigarettes from the kitchen table, threw the lighter in the bin, and went to his bedroom with a cigarette between his lips. He found a lighter there and breathed the smoke in, feeling his muscles relaxing a bit.

He paced in his bedroom for a while, then grabbed a new pack of cigarettes, lighting his third one already, and took his pacing to the living-room. He stopped to search for the TV remote control, but didn't find it, so he turned the TV on directly with the screen. He left it on the channel it was on, just to have a sound with him, and went back to his bedroom. He opened his night table's drawer, tried to ignore the presence of lube and condoms, which only were a reminder that Jack was supposed to be here. Not that he used the latter a lot, with Jack. He shook his head to put the thoughts away, and emptied the contents on his bed. He then took the bottom of the drawer off, which hid a small space, where he always kept drugs.

There, he stopped. He looked at the small amount of cocaine he had, and looked at his wardrobe, where he knew his needle was. But could he really do this? He looked at the crook of his elbow, where he still had bandages around the spot where the needle had broken into his skin. Owen had pulled it out, but it still could be painful.

Ianto felt tears prickling his eyes. It was easy. It was always so easy. He just had to reach out, take the drug, take the needle, prepare everything, and inject a small amount in his veins. He would feel better, so much better. But for how long? It was easy, but it was too easy.

He stared for a long time at the bottom of the drawer, and jumped when his phone buzzed. He had left it on his night table the day before. He sighed and took it, seeing he had a text from his sister.

“ _We love you – RJDM (yes, even J)_ ”

He chuckled at the text, especially with the precision that even Johnny liked him, and didn't answer, locking the screen and throwing his phone on his bed. He ran his hands on his face and his hair, then let one on his neck, absently rubbing the skin.

Tears ran down his cheeks as he put the bottom of the drawer back to hide his drug and put everything back in it, then the drawer in its place. He breathed out and went back to the living-room, slamming the door behind him. He noticed he didn't have his phone with him, but he didn't want to go back to his bedroom, so he just went straight to his television to turn it off. He took another cigarette from a pack on the coffee table – he had a lot of packs just forgotten in some places and he sometimes took one cigarette from them – and turned on his stereo system.

He lay on his back on the sofa, eyes closed and his arm hiding half of his face. He let the music help him relax, as well as smoking, and soon dozed off on his couch, putting the cigarette he was currently smoking down so he could sleep a bit.

He felt like he slept a lot lately, but he was so tired of everything.

* * *

A bang on his door woke him up and he looked around, lost. He walked to the door and rubbed his eyes as the banging continued.

“Yeah, yeah, I'm here,” he mumbled, probably not loud enough for the person on the other side to hear him.

Ianto looked at his watch as he opened the door, noticing that he had slept almost all night and that it was already 5 am. Which meant that only one person could be standing outside, banging at his door.

Jack stopped when Ianto appeared, hair dishevelled and an exhausted expression on. He might had just slept, but he hadn't really rested.

“Can I come in?” Jack asked.

Ianto didn't hesitate and let him come. They really needed to talk, so why not now. And at least Jack was the one coming, not Ianto.

Ianto walked up to his living-room and took the last cigarette from a pack. He tapped the butt on the pack then sighed and lit it up.

“Wow, can you breathe in there?” Jack tried to said casually, but it felt forced.

Ianto shrugged and opened a window, then sat on his couch again, smoking in silence. He rubbed his forehead and moved his leg nervously, but didn't say anything. When he put the cigarette in the ash tray, Jack took a deep breath.

“I'm sorry for coming so early,” he said.

Ianto stood to shut his stereo system off, thinking it would be easier to talk, but regretted it instantly, the silence too heavy between them.

“I...” Jack said, then sighed in frustration.

“I understand, Jack,” Ianto shook his head and turned to face Jack. And probably the words that would hurt him.

Jack looked miserable. Tired, exhausted, and nervous.

“No you don't,” he said. “I'm sorry but no, you can't. I'm... fuck, Ianto, I want to but I don't know if I can allow myself this.”

His hands were shaking while he waved them between them and he had trouble breathing calmly. Ianto scoffed, however.

“Stop your riddles, for fuck's sake!” Ianto snapped.

Sure, he wanted to set things right with Jack, but he really was tired of having to read between the lines, because he couldn't always do it with Jack.

“I'm immortal!” Jack spat.

It was something he hated and Ianto could feel it in the way he said it. Ianto blinked a few times. What? He surely had just misheard this.

“What?” He echoed his thought.

“I can't die,” Jack repeated.

“Are you fucking serious? You didn't find better?” Ianto snorted. He didn't know if he really didn't believe Jack or just hoped it wasn't the truth.

“What, you just wanna hear me say it?” Jack asked, raising his voice. “Because I love you, Ianto Jones, but I don't think I fucking deserve you and I'm afraid of the day you'll die – and you will – because where does that leave me? What will I have left?! I'm fucking afraid of loving you because that means opening a wound and waiting for my immortality to throw salt at it.”

Jack ran a shaking hand through his hair, tears forming in his eyes, and looked away. He sniffed then snorted.

“I better go,” he said and turned to leave.

Ianto reached out instinctively and closed his hand on Jack's wrist.

“Stay,” he whispered.

Time froze like this. Jack didn't turn around, he simply let his head fall to his chest. And Ianto just stood there, not knowing what to do, not knowing what to say. Trying to understand what immortal meant. Well, of course, that Jack couldn't die. But at what extent? Did he grow old? Would he die one day?

Ianto stared, opened-mouth, at the back of Jack's head.

Jack eventually freed himself and slowly turned, looking right in his eyes, waiting for something.

“I die, but I come back,” Jack said to break the silence. “Do you want this? Someone who can't die? Someone who will see you grow old and die?”

Ianto's heart broke in his chest and he tried to come up with something to say.

“It must hurt,” he whispered thoughtfully.

Jack frowned, not expecting something like this. “Yeah,” he shrugged as if it weren't a big deal.

“Do you feel it? Dying, I mean,” Ianto asked.

He actually was curious about it, waiting for his brain to catch up with the information.

“Yeah,” Jack nodded. “Not what you expected, right?”

“I don't know what to say,” Ianto admitted as honestly as he could.

“I get it. Too much to take,” Jack laughed bitterly.

Jack's reaction was hurting Ianto who shook his head.

“Don't be like this,” Ianto said.

“Just...”

“It's not about you,” Ianto interrupted him. “I don't mean that... huh... I don't care, Jack. It's about what I feel, what I want. So what? You can't die? Do you think I care? I do, but not for what you think – you not dying while I will, you being older than me... I care because that means you'll be alone, no matter how much time I want to spend with you, you'll end up... without me. But that's in a long time. Did you think I wouldn't want you because you're like this? Because you have tons of secrets? Because you have dark sides? I tried to fucking kill myself, Jack! This is... It's...”

Ianto stopped, because he didn't really know where his ideas were going, and he didn't find anything else to say. Jack was immortal, and it was overwhelming and... weird.

Jack stared at him.

“What?” Ianto asked, looking away.

“What?” Jack echoed.

“Already said it,” Ianto smiled.

Jack shook his head.

“What do we do?” Jack asked, apparently lost.

“What do you want?” Ianto shrugged.

“You,” Jack said, without hesitation. He then looked away. “If you--”

Ianto interrupted him by kissing him. They weren't used to talking that much, at least not about personal feelings, certainly not about the two of them, and Ianto had just missed him.

They stumbled backwards and Ianto managed to steady them by putting his hands against the wall, right before Jack bumped his head into it. They smiled against the other's mouth but didn't stop kissing. Ianto put his hands under Jack's coat and Jack followed his initiative, letting the coat slid from his shoulders. He reversed their positions so the cloth wouldn't bother him by not falling entirely, and pulled Ianto's shirt up. As they parted so Jack could entirely free Ianto from his shirt, they stopped for a moment, catching their breaths.

“You don't know how much that means to me,” Jack said between their lips.

Ianto closed his eyes, his hands roaming Jack's body. He stopped at his chest and opened his eyes again, looking at Jack.

“We clearly are going to have a conversation about this,” Ianto said.

“I know,” Jack nodded.

He then tried to kiss Ianto again, but Ianto moved his head away.

“Really?” Ianto insisted, surprised he didn't have to convince Jack.

“Yeah,” Jack smiled.

Ianto nodded, and kissed Jack briefly.

“Back to business then,” Ianto chuckled.

Jack was about to reply, but Ianto kissed him again, gently biting his lower lip until he responded. Ianto unbuttoned Jack's shirt, pushing him against the opposite wall at the same time. They were now in the corridor. Jack rolled them over and they slowly made their way to Ianto's bedroom like this, bumping one or twice again a wall or a table, but laughing at it.

When Ianto opened his drawer to take the lube, he stopped briefly, knowing what was hidden beneath. Jack kissing his neck impatiently made him think of something else, and Ianto promised himself he would get rid of the drugs, some day. For now, he had more important things to do.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Title from the song "X and Y" by Coldplay)
> 
> Okay so just when I thought nothing would slow me in posting this fic anymore, I'm totally sick. Nice way to ruin my first week-end of the semester, ugh. But it's here! And only one chapter left, I don't think something will happen this time (God I hope nothing will happen!) so I should post by Wednesday or Thursday ;)
> 
> Jack's immortality (and especially Ianto's easy acceptance of it) was the one thing I absolutely wanted to mention but also really wished I had taken more time writing. I hope it's still good however; thanks a lot for your comments! The last chapter is more of an epilogue to conclude on some things.


	26. Sun is out while I'm walkin' home, but my head's up in the clouds

“And the Prodigal son returns!”

Ianto shook his head with a smile as Kevin opened his arms dramatically.

“Just kidding,” Kevin laughed. “It's been a long time.”

Ianto nodded his thanks when Kevin put a glass full of his usual drink.

“I know,” he then sighed. “I'm sorry.”

“It's okay. As long as you're fine. You are? Fine, I mean. I heard about your mother, last month. I'm sorry.”

“Did Clyd' tell you?”

“Yeah, I was beginning to worry a bit. I mean you could have... I don't know,” Kevin shrugged.

“I'm okay, Kev',” Ianto smiled. “I just wanted to come by and... you know, say thank you. If you need any help, just come and ask me. I live just around the corner, after all.”

Kevin frowned, as if trying to read between the lines, but eventually nodded.

“Glad I could help,” he shrugged.

Ianto sipped slowly his drink, talking to Kevin at the same time to tell him what had changed since he had last come.

It had been almost three months, so Ianto told him about the job he had kept for less than a month, he told him about his mother dying, but he didn't mention his overdose, then talked about Jack, how they had almost ended what they had, but had kept going. He didn't say Jack was immortal, obviously, he didn't even say what they had argued about, but he did explain they'd had more bad days than good in the past month. They were still together, of course, but it had been hard. They had gone back to something that involved more sex than talking for a while, then had sat to talk about the elephant in the room that Jack's immortality was. It had been hard for Ianto to genuinely believe in it, and to process it. It wasn't that it changed his feelings or what he thought about Jack, but it changed how he saw him. He was in awe.

He had already known that Jack was living a hard life, but he couldn't have imagined he had already lived dozens of others and would keep living thousands new. And every time, it broke his heart, but he still kept building new lives and loving people. And he had chosen to spend a part of his extremely long life with Ianto. Ianto admired him.

Ianto left the Barley Mow, promising he would try to come back a bit more often, and went home quickly.

All in all, his relationship with Jack hadn't changed much. They still occasionally went out on dates, they still spent nights talking, or just spending a good time, and of course they still had sex. But maybe it looked more like making love than just sex. And it was still great.

Ianto smiled at the thought and took the file he had set on his coffee table before going out. He opened it, read it again quickly, then closed it, taking a deep breath.

 

He hadn't looked for a new job, but he had made up his mind. He didn't want to end up behind a desk, he actually just couldn't – sitting around, doing what sounded like nothing, it wasn't for him – and he wanted to do something of his life. He wanted to be useful, but he didn't want to get bored with his job.

Ianto left his flat and took his car, parking a few-minute walk away from his destination, and walked nervously the distance. He opened the door without knocking, and waited for a moment in the office. When the secret door opened, he smiled at Toshiko Sato.

“Hey, is Jack in?” Ianto asked.

“Yeah,” she smiled, going directly to him for a brief hug.

“Can you give this to him?” Ianto said, handing the file he had been holding.

“What is it?”

Ianto tried to hide a new smile, but failed. Yes, he wanted to help people.

“My CV,” he said, “I want to work here.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> plot twist: Jack doesn't hire him! ;D
> 
> (Title from the song "Up All Night" by Alex Clare) (which is the opening song of Class, that I totally recommend to anyone!)
> 
> Lesson of this story: never say "nothing should happen" because something will and I'm once again sorry for the delay, but I've been coughing my lungs out all week. Good times.
> 
> But! This is the end! Yooh-ooh this story is complete! And I have a lot of new fics in my mind, probably a lot that won't be written (like a teacher AU with Ianto & Jack as teachers. I'd like that. But that means reading about how the heck the UK works and waw, I'm lazy!) but I'll be back if some of you want to read me :)
> 
> On another note, here's some things about this story: I'm sorry I couldn't bring Annie back some other way, because her presence is now a bit useless. Something I could have given to another character that has more than just one scene. I'm pretty sure everyone forgot I put her in this story ;) Also, that's a rather opened ending, you can think whatever you want, but at least they're both very well alive :)
> 
> Thank you for your support & comments, I'm glad some of you read this until this end, and I hope you liked it! It allowed me to improve my English and to see that I could write long fic in that language, now I just need to slowly rectify some of the flaws I already know are here.


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